Phone rings….5:31 am (CST)
I awaken with a start. Any time the phone rings at an add hour, it’s rarely good news. I strain my eyes to read the illuminated number on the receiver. I don’t recognize the number. The only thing I know for sure is that it isn’t my lost youth calling.
BO: Hey there, L to the K! What’s shakin’, Mama?
LK. Beg your pardon?
BO. It’s me….Barack Obama.
LK: Barack Obama? Why in the name of all that is holy are you calling me and at 5:30 in the morning, no less?
BO: Well, yeah…I know, it’s early, but believe it or not, you’re on a list of people that I need to talk to.
LK: I am?
BO: You are. Because I think that you in a very, very, very, very, very microscopically negligible way, helped me snag the Democratic presidential nod.
LK: Gee, I’m sorry…How?
BO: Because you kept ragging Hillary.
LK: You read my blog?
BO: Oh hell no, but if I’m going to lie about the fact that I was actually born in Kenya , why not lie about reading your blog, too.
LK: At least you’re partially honest. As for my reading my blog though, you better hurry. My life is changing. My career is taking a substantially different turn soon and blogging is going by the wayside. All this wonderful obnoxiousness will fade into the ether. I hardly have time to blog now and really, the thrill is gone. It’s been a good 17 months. Besides, comedy is hard. Very hard and readers are also fickle… or so I’ve been told.
BO: Wait, this is a humor blog?
LK: Half humor, I guess.
BO: Half humor? How can anything be “half”?
LK: Uh…look in the mirror!
BO: I suppose so. Anyway, sorry to hear that your blog is going bye-bye, but I bet Hillary will be glad. You know, all your Hillary bashing is how I first learned about your blog. My people, well–the few who’ve actually read your blog, said they loved your anti-Hillary vitriol.
LK: I’m not one of her biggest fans, Barry.
BO: Whoa! You brought out the Barry ammo awfully quick there, Kendrick. Can I hear an “ouch”.
LK: No you may not.
BO: I thought you liked me, LK. What gives?
LK: I might have liked you—once. Now? Not so much. I don’t like what you stand for. Actually, that’s not true; how can I not like what I don’t know.
BO. That makes no sense. My stance on everything is quite clear.
LK: Sorry, but it isn’t. For example, you don’t think Iran is a threat, then the next minute, you do. You also have a multi-sided stance on allowing illegal aliens driver’s licenses or not and….
BO: Are you accusing me of the dreaded political flip-flop?
LK: No, you’re more like cheap sandals, which offer JUST enough protection and support…but not a lot.
BO: Low blow, LK. Low blow. I’m a good guy. A decent guy. Just read my bio. I’m one of the better by products of the Chicago/Daly political machine.
LK: Exactly, Barack and that’s the problem. You’re manufactured. You’re a processed politician that’s been waxed and polished and made all shiny and pretty to appeal to seasoned voting populace that’s extremely unseasoned when it comes to politicians like you. Your handlers want to give the impression that you’re slick, but you’re not. You’re artifice.
BO: Who’s this Artie guy you speak of and is that a racist joke?
LK: No and quit wearing your feelings on the sleeve of your Dashiki.
BO: Only if it’s a big strawberry one.
LK: Uh–no Barack, not daiquiri. Dashiki.
BO: You mean that old on CBS show about all the animals in the jungle featuring Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion?
LK: That would be “Daktari” and no.
BO: Then, what’s a dashiki?
LK: Do you really have to ask? Gee…maybe you weren’t born in Kenya after all.
BO: Cut me some slack. I’m learning how to be Black, OK?
LK: How sad then for you. Why don’t you just be who you are? Do you even know your authentic self?
BO: No, not yet. George Soros and I haven’t gotten that far in the lesson plan.
LK: Well, that just answered so many of my questions. My God, Obama….you are such a processed candidate, aren’t you?
LK: Exactly. People like you and they don’t even know why. Did you ever see “Field of Dreams”?
BO: Yeah, so?
LK: At the end when James Earl Jones’ character is trying to justify why Ray Kinsella mowed down a part of his corn crop to build a baseball field, he said that people will come to Iowa for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up in Ray’s driveway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it. They’ll arrive at his door as innocent as children, longing for the past. They’ll shell out the 12 dollar fee just to come look around. See, it’s money they have and peace of mind they lack. This baseball field built in the middle of Iowa will remind them of all that once was good and could be again.
BO: You’ve lost me.
LK: It’s the exact same principle why they’ll vote for you. Because like you, they’re products of the same well-oiled political machine. They’ve been hoodwinked in thinking that you’re some sort of political messiah; that you evoke the spirit of JFK who was president during this country’s halcyon years; when times were easier, better–certainly more idealized. But in truth, you won’t be able to deliver this country either.
BO: But I can do it. I know I can. I’m a redeemer.
LK: No, you’re not. Americans redeem themselves–we always have and we always will. You’re just a man–mortal and flawed–and one who’s well aware of the people controlling your puppet strings. I can see it in your eyes. Fear looks just like you–with brown eyes and sizable ears– when you sidestep answering a question or address issues with precise vagueness.
BO: “Precise vagueness”? Yeah right..like THAT makes sense!
LK: It does if you think about it.
BO: Look, it’s easy for someone like you to criticize. Politics ain’t easy, LK. The implications are vast and far reaching. It’s all about control and who has it and who wants it. The power shifts as often as grains of sand on a beach.
LK: Then get control. Do something about it. Don’t just sit there and allow your party to continue on with it’s self-defeating status quo mindset. Enough with the finger pointing and assessing blame. The Democrats hold everyone accountable but themselves. What a convenient deflective maneuver THAT is. And while you’re at it, quit complaining about “the current administration” and “the past eight years” . Do something now. You can, you know. Do you really want to help those who need it?
BO: Of course
LK: Then do it. The ballot box isn’t your pulpit. Nor should it be your impetus, so don’t use it as such. You don’t need to be elected to public office to give a voice to those who don’t have one.
BO: Again, your ignorance is showing, lady. There are allegiances in politics. Certain rules and protocols have to be followed.
LK: “Rules and protocols” in this case translate into to “special interest”, do they not?
BO: Look, you’re a civilian. You wouldn’t understand. Besides, I didn’t call you to get all serious. Let’s lighten the mood. We actually have a lot in common. We both dislike Hillary.
LK: Well, I’ll give you that one.
BO: Here’s a joke for you. Hillary and I are in a row boat in the middle of the Atlantic. A huge storm comes in, sinks the boat and tosses us both into the turbulent drink. Who gets saved?
LK: The country?
BO. God, you’re a jaded old thing, LK.
LK: Guess I am, Big O….I guess I am. But I’ve earned the right to be disgusted. I’m actually over this; all of this nonsense. I’m not looking forward to the election. I don’t like my choices.
BO: Gee, thanks!
LK: It’s true. All you hear is that 2008 has been such a stellar year for politics. For the first time in history, a woman was a serious contender for the office of President and a man of color eventually ended up as the Democratic candidate. History making, yes and I applaud that. But even so, something about you still scares me.
BO: Are you saying America isn’t ready for a Black president?
LK: No, I’m saying that I don’t think America is ready for another Democrat for president! Especially if you are he.
BO: Continue. I’m intrigued.
LK: Well for starters, your name.
BO: What about my name?
LK: Nothing it’s fine, but it’s different. It doesn’t end in a consonant like all the other surnames of the men who’ve inhabited 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Your last name ends in an “A”. That will sure make the the good ol’ boys across the country have a big ol’ vowel movement.
BO: HA! That’s funny. I never thought of it that way. Imagine me, little Barack Obama forcing America to have a daily VM!
LK: But it’s more than that. It’s your substance. Or lack thereof. You remind me of a glob of clay that’ll change shape depending on who’s hands are doing the sculpting.
BO: That’s not true. I am my own man. I am the consummate politician. My identity is more than secured.
LK: Oh yeah? Secured how, exactly and in what denominations?
BO: Are you implying that I’ve been bought?
LK: Bought? At this point, I’d say you’re more rented but make no mistake, you ARE for sale’ and so are your principles. Sorry Big O, you can call it what you will, but if you win, you will be owned. O-W-N-E-D. The reality is, I don’t spite you for this necessarily. It’s hard to be a politician these days and not be rented and eventually owned.
BO: This sounds like it has all the earmarks of pure antebellum racism.
LK: Enough already. Racism is an extremely flimsy excuse where you’re concerned. I’m just stating basic facts here and by the way, facts are also things that seem awfully flimsy where you’re concerned.
BO: Ok then…It’s a fact that I’m half Black. So what?
LK: You’re being half black means nothing. Does you’re ethnic mixture mean you’re untouchable? No, it doesn’t. Does it mean that I can’t make a joke about you? Try and stop me. Remember a few weeks ago when Caroline Kennedy endorsed you? You were up there on that podium with all those Kennedy’s. My God, you looked more like one of their Hyannis Port bartenders. I took one look at the image on my TV and thought to myself, “So THAT’S what happened to Isaac, from “The Love Boat!!!”
BO: That’s not funny and I resent that—I think. See here, Laurie–Just as you’ve said, I’m a part of history and I stand a damn good chance to continue making history. The nation is tired of what George Bush and the Republicans have done to this country. I will win and I will be a president for the people. Make no mistake, I understand how the high office of President works and I won’t let this country down.
LK: Well, if that’s true Sir, then I hope you mean it. I hope you are sincere. I hope you’re sincere in the humility you express in your successes whatever they’ll be and also in the unavoidable failures you’ll suffer through. And fail–you will, Obama. If you move into the Oval Office, I hope your eyes suddenly open. You’ll soon find out that this job is so much…MUCH harder than you thought. You’ll suddenly realize that your ignorance compelled you to rag on George Bush and once in office, you’ll understand that on so many occasions, he was helpless…impotent, really and that meant he was incapable of affecting certain changes–and for the very reasons you just mentioned. It’s about power and power is limited by those who have it. Nevertheless, I’ll pray for your clarity and should you win, I hope real insight never leaves your side. You’ll need it, because you–Barack Obama–won’t make that much of a difference. You said yourself that the implications of politics are vast and it’s a matter of control. You won’t have much once you’re in the Oval Office. As a candidate, you’re a puppet but if elected, you’ll rise in station to become a marionette. Totally manipulated…like everyone in that office. In spite of what you think, all the stuff you’ve been fed; the reality is–you’re only a man and no different than George Bush and trust me, you’re just as fallible.
BO: Now, you hold on for just one minute, Missy; I am diff…
LK: No, you’re not. What makes you or anyone think you can do a better job as president? Seriously…what? Tell me. You’ve had smoke blown up your butt if you or anyone thinks that just because you’re in office, the price of gas per gallon will lower automatically. You won’t be able to bring home every American G.I. serving in Iraq or Afghanistan the day after your inauguration. You can’t make the economy better with a mere signature, nor can you wish away unemployment. And fears about Global Warming, terrorism and taxes won’t dissipate the minute you put your hand on the Bible to take the Oath of Office.
BO: But they will. I assure you, these things will fall by the way side once I’m in office.
LK: Wake up, Obama; you’re not a panacea.
BO: Now, wait a second…I never said I was Italian.
LK: Excuse me? Hello? Barack? Hello?
BO: Yes, LK? I’m here. Can you hear me?
LK: Uh Barack? Barack? If you’re there, I can’t hear you. Your crown of thorns is rubbing against the phone and creating a lot of static or interference or something.
BO: Oh great, LK! HA HA!! That’s very fu…….
(SOUND OF A CLICK, THEN DIAL TONE)
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