Funny Cops

These 16 very funny police comments which were captured on the audio from actual police Dash Cams from various forces around the country:

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16. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder that the one you just went through.”

15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

14. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

13. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

11. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

9. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.”

6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

5. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

4. “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

2. “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours.  That way at least, you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.   Sign here.”

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5 comments

  1. This is funny. 13 and 14 are great. 12 is really great. The concept of a bullet chasing someone who is running is funny enough but can you imagine someone running fast enough that the bullet might catch up to him? That kills me. I think I’ve seen too many cartoons.

    Number 1 deserves number one. What a comeback.

  2. When I was in high school in a smll town, I was constantly pulle over by the town’s cop for going over the 25 mile an hour limit. Never gave me a ticket, not a looks thing though. We always just chimed in unison when he came to the window, “Hello Officer Curtis!” He always just laughed and told us to slow it down.

    #9 kinda stings

  3. Laurie and I were driving around in my car one night (in the early ’70s). I smoked at the time and I had just bought a pack of cigarettes, left the convenience store and made a u-turn in the street to go home. I don’t know where this patrolman came from but he pulled me over and Laurie freaked and hid my cigarettes in the club compartment. She thought we were stopped because I bought cigarettes.

    Anyway, the two patrolmen walked up to the car, asked for my license and when he saw the name, said “Oh, you’re Lug Kendrick’s daughter. I said I was and then was sent on my way without a ticket or warning. Kinda helps when your parents are friends with the “law”.

    Remember that little incident, Laurie?

  4. #15 is true though. I once spent an hour “stretching” my boyfriends cuffs… for real though, not in a kinky way. LOL. I realized too late how that sounds….

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