What’s On TV?

It is 2008 and the art of war is fought just as much in down time, as it is on the front lines.

Unlike their jingle-bound counterparts almost four decades earlier in Southeast Asia, U.S. troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t relegated to sitting around in the sand, listening to Armed Forces Radio on tiny, hand-held transistors as their only form of entertainment.

Nay. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Thanks to satellite and other incredible broadcast advances, our U.S. servicemen and women can now practically watch TV right on the field of battle. So when they have a minute, many soldiers catch up on their television viewing. And on those days when there’s nothing on the meager 300 channels they have from which to choose, the broad entertainment spectrum that is Al-Jazeera can sometimes make all the difference in the world. Even if the subject matter is well….”skewed” toward being just a wee bit anti-American.

Here’s what Al-Jazeera offers it’s viewers (American and otherwise) on a typical broadcast day:


6.00: G-Hahd TV. Morning prayers.

8.30: “Talibantubbies”; Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. La La makes pita bread
9:00: INFOMERCIAL; “Jihad Ladder System”
11:30: ‘Hee-Hajj” Down home country music/sketch comedy show, hosted by the chappeau-wearing crooner, Minnie Ret
12:00 pm: “Dhimmi Moore and Friends” Chat show featuring the actress and her celebrity friends as they make lethal devices out of everyday objects. Last ten minutes of show includes a cooking segment. TODAY”S SPECIAL: how to make delicious “Allah Ak-bars”; rich, chocolately goodness…now, with more dates!!
1:00 pm: “Un-American Idol”; Angry mobs of scruffy, swarthy Middle Eastern students–some approaching age 45— burn effigies of U.S. Presidents Reagan through George W. Bush in a public square
2:00 pm: Children’s Cartoon hour featuring “R’Kat Man”. Elton John sings the title song about this zany animated Imam in space
2:30 pm: “Jewzilla”; Host, El-Allen Funt and his hidden camera captures angry Zionists caught in the act of being angry Zionists
4:00 pm: “Bedouin, Bath and Beyond”; Interior Designer, Shakira Pahlavi provides helpful household hints, plus fashionista, Mahtob al-Sadr advises on ways to hide tale-tell signs of Plastique and C-4 under one’s burkha
4:30 pm “This Old Yirt”; a show focusing on do-it-yourself remodeling on a nomad’s budget
5:30 pm : “Middle-East Enders”; The entire London cast is jailed for un-Islamic behavior, repugnant grammar and enunciation
6:30 pm: “Top of the Prophets”; Will the Koran be No. 1 for the 163,728th week running?
7:00 pm: “Who Wants To Be A Mujahadin?” Host, Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go ‘inshallah’…. or ask the Islamic council?
7:30 pm “Kafir Factor”; contestants are forced to eat pork and pork by-products for a shot at Paradise and 35 of the 72 virgins promised in The Holy Book
8:00 pm “Halal In the Family”; a classic situation comedy staring veteran character actors, Khalid O’Connor and Jinn Stapleton
8:30 pm “Bride’s Head Revisited”: the rebroadcast of public beheading of one recently married young woman who dared to walk six paces behind her husband as opposed to the appropriate ten paces
9:00 pm “He and Shia”; a husband and a wife team up to form two well known theatrical critics discuss the Middle Eastern cultural scene. As always, a new play written by a young soldier of Allah is featured. This week: a telecast of the Downtown Tehran Players’ production of “A Reza In The Sun”.
9:30 pm : “When Imams Attack” Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The camera crew was also secretly shot.
10:00 pm: “The Gaza Good Time Hour” Arts program looks at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories and the fine art of rock throwing at Israeli tanks and check-points
12::00 am End of Programming Day; Signals gassing of six thousand Kurds in the provinces

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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