Hurricane Season 2008

For those of us who live along the American shoreline….more specifically, the Mid Atlantic and Gulf Coast states, we know that June 1st through November 30th is “The Mean Season”.

Hurricane season.

While 2005 was a horrific year for storms (lest we forget Katrina, Rita and Wilma), 2006 was quiet, as was 2007…at least in terms of storms that made landfall in the U.S. Last September, we watched Dean and Felix churn in the western Atlantic. Both reached Category 5 status before making Eastern Mexico and Belize their meteorological bitches.

So with that said, we can never be too careful. We must remain vigilant.

This was proven true last year, as Hurricane Humberto literally formed from a cluster of thunderstorms near the Upper Texas Coast and then churned into a minor Category One hurricane making landfall, all within a scant 14 hours time. Hurricane Alicia, though a much more serious storm, followed the same route when it formed 100 miles off the coast of Galveston. That’s where it made landfall before absolutely ravaging Houston in 1983.

Could hurricane season of 2008 see a repeat of the savagery in previous years? Well, here at Laurie Industries, we don’t want to take that chance. Your safety is our main concern.

All year long, we collect tens of recommendations that concerned Southeast Texans send in. We will, on occasion, publish some of the best; those that convey clever and efficient ways to both prepare for an impending hurricane, and of course, what to do once Mother Nature’s fury is upon you.

This suggestion comes to us from Dean and Karla Faye Pettigrew of the Free Bird Mobile Home Park and Tire Wholesale Emporium in Bayviewchanneldena, a mostly blue collar suburb of Houston, where one would find most of the refineries and plants associated with the area’s vast petrochemical industry.

The Pettigrews write:

Dear Miss Laurie,

How are you? We is fine and shit. Me and Karla Faye is reddy to go shoold one of them big ass hurrycanes come back Texas way. We lucked out and all with Umberdo did last year and all but remember back when that nuther last big ass storm done come through this airea back in 2001 or thereabouts.

Me and Karla Faye is young–just 20 years old and we don’t got no fancy book learnin’ like you, but we knowd when they’s danger. We had to leave our trailer park for the water that Tropical Storm AliceSon brung with her. It rained like 23 inches in a day, you remember that shit? Anyways, the water come up to the door of the trailer and was rising. We had to git out fast. Man, that water was high….about as high as Karla Faye was that afternoon, as a matter of fact.!!

Shoot, that crazy bitch even went back in for her carton of smokes she forgot and she’s so skinny and shit that the currant almost swepted her away. Man, I was skeert I’d lose her. They’d find a body in the water a week later and I’d have to go identifee her through her dental records. She only got that one front bitin’ tooth and she calls that “Old Yeller”.

Well, Miss Laurie, we learnt a whole lots from the esperiense and we’s ready should we get hit agin more drectly that what did Hamburdo done. Namely we learnt that you should have your smokes with you at all times!

We red in the paper that your place, Laurie Indistrees was looking for tips from area rezidents and we thought we’d sent you our very own “Hurricane Git Ready List” that we done preepared befoire Hurrikane Rita back in ’05. We we also included a picture that a newspaper fella took from when we had to evakwate, evakyouwait, .uh…split in a hurry the last time. Like I done already told you, the water come up so fast, we hardly had time to excape the trailer with all the provishins! We know better now and we’s ready for whatever Nachure throws at us, shit yeah!!

Thank you and keep on rockin’!!!!

.

Skynyrd 4-ever!!
Dean and Karla Faye Pettigrew
Bayviewchanneldena, Texas

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*********************************************************************************************************

The Pettigrew Family’s Hurrakane Git Reddy Kit & Cheklist

.

Toilet Paper…………………………………. check

Bud Light……………………………………. check

Keystone Ice…………………………………. check

Budweiser…………………………………… check

Red Dog……………………………………… check

Five unused; unopened tubes of Crest toothpaste and a couple of little plastic box looking things of some kind of fishin’ line called “dental floss” or some shit ………………………….check

My commemorative “Dale Earnhardt LIVES!!” collection of Matchbox cars and Skoal carrier………..check

Important papers such as EZ Widers and deed to trailer…………………….check

Special boxes of stuff for my wife’s “lady business”………………………check

Karla Faye’s album favorite album collection including LPs from the Wet Willie, Charlie Daniels, Molly Hatchet and Bon Scott singing “Madame Butterfly”……………………..check

Spare cartons of smokes (whatever be on special down over to the Valero or the Wal-Mart’s)……………………..check

Misc. bottles of alcohol, co-colas & other shit, like mustard; a pint of orange juice and a half a vile of liquid methadone………………….check

Big ol’ piece of plywood to float your gacked out old lady and booze on…….check

.

.

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3 comments

  1. Classic. I keep my “Dale Earnhardt LIVES!!” cars in a fireproof box and my Skoal in a waterproof zipper pocket of my cut-off jean shorts.

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