Ways To Appear Crazy In A Public Bathroom

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1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall next to you and and say in a fake British accent, “Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poop-On?. You know, it’s must-turd!!” Then, laugh maniacally.
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2. Make audible scratching/rubbing sounds and then smack your lips a couple of times saying, “Ooooh Yuck!! This stuff might be the right color and all, but it sure doesn’t taste like Brownies!!”.
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3. Every time someone breaks the silence of the bathroom with a bodily function noise, clap, cheer and then ask for a score from the East German judge.
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4. Say out loud, “Hmmm, that’s odd. When did I eat broccoli?”
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5. Scream bloody murder, then toss a small pebble under the wall of the stall next to you. Take a deep breath and say, :Sorry….passed a kidney stone”.
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6. Say “Damn, this water is cold.” Then, change your voice a little and say…”Yeah, and it’s deep, too!”
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7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a few feet above the water. Once it plunges into the water, sigh as if finally, you’re no longer in pain.
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8. Say, “Whoa…is that a nail? Shit, I must have way to much iron in my system!”
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9. Say, “Now, I know what this reminds me of! Humus!! It reminds me of humus!!!”
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10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa ! Easy there, Man Spiggot!”
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11. Say,” Interesting. More floaters this time.”
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12. Spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops!! I’m so clumsy and uncoordinated. I’d drop a feather. Would you be a lamb and kick that back over here, please?”
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13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!
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14. Say, “Gee, is that a maggot? Sure looks like one. No wait….maybe it’s vermicelli.”
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15. Say, “Anybody gotta knife? I gotta cut this triple coiler up. It’ll never flush as it is”.
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16. With your hands, play the drum riff from ‘ In A Gadda Da Vida” on your ass cheeks.
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17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “A-ha!! I knew you weren’t a real redhead!!!”
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18. If you’re a guy, remove your underwear, drop it on the floor and sing a well known Tom Petty tune, but change the lyrics to, “Well, I’m freeeeeeeee—-free balling!!!!” If you’re a woman, remove your bra and sing “Born Free”
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19. Eat some chocolate; smear a little on your finger, then poke your hand under the stall next to you and ask your neighbor if he or she thinks your finger tastes funny.
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20. Remove your shirt and start washing it on the bowl. Sing an old Negro spiritual in between making comments about how difficult it was when you were young and they didn’t have no fancy washing machines like these new fangled contraption.ย  Then say….”Wait for the spin cycle!!”.
Flush..
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9 comments

  1. “16. With your hands, play the drum riff from โ€˜ In A Gadda Da Vidaโ€ on your ass cheeks.” For some reason, this is the one that made me giggle until I cried.

    (Not that the others weren’t funny. They were good too. Oh Christ, now I’m worried about giving the other jokes a complex…)

  2. Wow Laurie, you really put some thought into these. I would think i was getting punked. I dare you to do any of these and report on your conclusions. I would love a contribution from you on my new post, about words I wish I didn’t have to hear again. i.e. This post is so Fierce. Veronica

  3. Try humming well known tunes, like the Indiana Jones theme song, while inserting nice little grunts into the tune.

    Ba, ba, ba, da *grunt* ba, ba, da….. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. Thanks a lot LK–I tried a couple of these at lunch and now I’m writing you from a bail bond office following my arrest–this weekend is gonna suck now. Thanks a lot! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Lotsa belly laughs. I know, I know, I’m really retarded. Whoo laughs at toilet humor? Loved the Jeff Daniels toilet scene in “Dumb and Dumber’ too. Pathetic me.

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