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I rather like Vodka.
In my Dirty Martinis especially. I prefer it over gin–the fermented swill of choice of my Gilded Age Literary foreparents…i.e. Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker (for whom this blog’s by line, “What fresh hell is this” was so blatantly pilfered)
Furthermore, I really want to say that I really want to go to Russia someday just so I could take a hit of the stuff right from the source (I envision there being a spring of sorts in the middle of Red Square and Vodka constantly bubbles to the surface. This, while round-faced Russian house fraus, Volga boatmen and ex-KGB come round hourly to fill their azure bottles up with the stuff.
But that’s just me romanticizing it. I know that Vodka comes from potatoes. Thin slices of the veggie are tossed in a vat and Babushka wearing crones enter them and stomp on the taters with their large, bare feet, size 42 European.
But I digress again…
Here are 15 other real, by God, legitimate uses for Vodka. But if you ever taste feet in your Vodka Tonic, remember–you heard it here first.
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry. (This one kids? Frankly, I have my doubts about this one. If you use Vodka to remove vomit stains, you will NO DOUBT create new vomit stains in your attempt to rid yourself of the old ones)i
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. ( I know for a fact that this works!!)
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray on wasps to kill them. (Probably won’t work on upwardly mobile Jews or German Mennonites)
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. (But why would you???)
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. (This is way too labor intensive. Just pop a Vicodin)
11. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka (see? This is why Russian women never have F.O)
12. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. (Add urine to the mix for a pain killer two-fer)
13. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the Urushiol oil from your skin. (Urushoil??? I think she competed with Olga Korbut for the Russians Women Gymnastics team in the ’72 Olympics. NO WAIT!!! I think that’s the name of the newest 17 year old R&B singing sensation, yes????)
14. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.( Or as the kids would say, “Vodka lets yo teethices get they drunk on!!)
15. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and backas a liniment.
Then again, you could say to hell with it and just drink the shit.