I turned 49 less than a month ago.
I’m not ashamed of that milestone. In fact, I’m damn proud of it and that’s why I don’t lie about my age. Frankly, I really don’t get people who do. What’s the point? Besides, I think there’s great honor in aging. I love the mental and emotional stability I now have. And I have it, because I earned it. OK, I don’t exactly like the fact that this wonderful acuity has come with a little extra weight, a few lines and creases that never existed before; a bit more skin sag and the damnedest whiskers.
“But Laurie, whiskers on a peri-menipausal woman like you are completely normal?
Yeah, but on my eyelids?????
But I digress…
Having traversed this planet for the past 49 years has allowed me to see, think and experience a myriad of things. I am grateful. And while I have become extremely well versed in the ways and means of life and in my chosen profession , there are still some things that confound me.
Always have; always will.
I am of course, talking about the differences between men and women.
And to my male readers, I love you. I really do. I love you vociferously, in fact. I’ve written countless posts about this.
But men, I’ll be honest, nothing…NOTHING makes me scratch my head and eat, sleep and drink with a huge cartoon-like question mark above my head, quite like your species. You are profoundly different from me. While trying to understand our differences, you have boggled my mind.
And as the above sentence would indicate, this extends above and beyond the dangling participle you so obviously possess.
We are different, but I want you to know that I have spent years desperately trying to understand you and I think, Dear Men, that I am at the end of my proverbial rope.
That said, I have come to understand that you like to BBQ, not because it’s fun or because it tastes good or feeds your family or friends. Nay, this goes back to your forefathers: the ones who barely walked upright and had a protruding forehead you could park a Buick under. You know, the ones that discovered fire. I firmly believe that there’s a genetic continuum regarding burning things that still courses through your DNA double helix today.
Bottom line: Men like to cook when there’s danger involved.
Men and women have a decidedly different approach to nurturing. This isn’t to say that all men feel this way, but many men I have known and broken up with, fit this description to a “T”. Women have this innate need and desire to nurture children. We cradle and suckle our babies. We hold them and kiss their boo-boos. We are mentally and emotionally hardwired for this.
Men on the other hand, will often leave all aspects of this to the mothers of their children. But when men reach a certain point in life–say their early forties, they also view youth differently. Especially younger women.
Younger, thinner women.
Bottom line: Women nurture children; male menopause prompts men to date them.
I have known male sports fanatics. The man who sired me lo those many years ago, was one of the most virile men that ever walked. He golfed three times a week and hunted whatever animal Texas law allowed bi-peds to kill. He loved football. As a Texan, that was part of his birthright. Because my father was a sports enthusiast, I looked for that in the men I dated. I have been romantically partnered with men who loved sports to the point of abject fanaticism. I dated one such man many years ago. He lived for sports. I’d watch UT Longhorn football on occasion, but I didn’t share his zeal. When he said he was going to watch, “Stump the Schwab”, I thought that was a porn flick.
When he couldn’t be at a game or a match, he’d watch it on TV. He loved just every sport on ESPN’s programming roster:
Bottom line: Men have testicles; therefore, men love sports with balls
And finally, let’s look at the differences between men and women and their view of romance. I continue to be amazed by what some men deem to be “romantic”. There are those men who live to dazzle their partners with flowers and love letters and romantic evenings that can make a girl’s head spin faster than anything Linda Blair could pull off. And then there are some men who don’t think like that at all. Their idea of romance is…well, I don’t think they have any ideas of what romance is. Very often though, men react out of necessity. Timing is everything.
Bottom line: Some men will only think of a candlelit dinner, when there’s a power outage.
So, there you go men. I will soon give up trying to understand you. Yessir, 49 years is long enough. I will now just embrace our differences and love you as best I can. We different. We’re built differently; we think differently; we act differently and yes, we live and love differently. Fine, I can accept that.
And make no mistake, even with all these physical and mental and emotional differences, I ADORE MEN!!!! I couldn’t make you the source of my satiric ire if I didn’t.
To the current man in my life: PM, you will reap the benefits of my newfound philosophy. This means yes, we can begin our very happy, uncomplicated life together …a life that will be everything we’ve always wanted. In fact, our wonderfully idyllic existence together can start just as soon as I can get you to quit the rather irritating habit of biting your nails.
Bottom line: I’ve given this some thought, Baby and I think I can eliminate this problem simply by getting you to wear shoes.
PS. It’s going to cost more to mail a letter, effective today, May 12th. .CURSE YOU, USPS!!!! Several months ago, I wrote a special “homage” to this price hike and you can read it by clicking here.