Bad, Bad Analogies

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The following originally appeared as a list of winners in the “Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay Contest”, which was held under the auspices of Washington Post.

This one’s for you, Mamacita!

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He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience…like a guy who went blind because he looked he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

Russell Beland, Springfield

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McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

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From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

Roy Ashley, Washington

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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

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Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Russell Beland, Springfield

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Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung… but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung… by mistake

Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

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Her vocabulary was as bad as, like..whatever.

Unknown

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He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

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The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

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Herr date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Russell Beland, Springfield

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Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm, traveling at 55 mph; the other from Topeka at 3:18 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

Jennifer Hart, Arlington

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The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

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They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth

Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free

Chuck Smith, Woodbridge


14 comments

  1. “Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.”

    That is hands down my favorite.

  2. Those were as bad as a route canal on your birthday. Sorry had to join in and write something bad just for you. Thanks for keeping us abreast of the bad analogies (and worse spelling out there). thanks, veronica

  3. Love these. One of my favorites is from Seinfeld.

    “The sea was angry my friends. Like an old man trying to take soup back at a deli.”

    George Costanza

  4. Great stuff. My mind searches for another funny analogy like a Florida Hillary Clinton supporter searches for a way to have her vote count.

  5. Some of those were deliberate – surely. They were like some of mine – and mine are deliberate, I promise you. And those that weren’t: Well they enrich the planet.

  6. Sorry but “falling twelve stories and hitting the pavement like a hefty bag full of vegetable soup” really cracks me up.

  7. OK, I’m going out on a limb here. Laurie, I am formally accusing you of making up those last four. They were just too damn funny….

    (and I have so often felt like the period on a Dr. Pepper can. I’m going to steal that one…giving you absolutely all or no credit of course)

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