Real 9-1-1 Calls…Honest!!

These are real, honest to Pete transcriptions of real, honest to Pete 9-1-1 emergency calls.
I love us. I really do and in spite of yesterday’s hormone fueled rant about the negative ways we’re often portrayed in the global press, I must admit there are times when it’s just so damn obvious that we ate a lot of lead paint as children.


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks. Why is that important?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No .
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the cops!


  1. Hilarious! Along with eating paint chips, they must have been licking dust off the blinds as well.

    I wonder if any of the dispatchers got in trouble for laughing their asses off at those people. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. 🙂

  2. My favorite came from Tonya Harding…searching for the audio, but here is the transcript. Anyone see a strange question from the genius operator?:

    911 OPERATOR: This is Clark County 911. How can I help you?

    HARDING: I need you to come over to my house right now. I punched him in the face because he came after me and put me to the ground.

    911 OPERATOR: OK.

    DARREN SILVER: I did not.

    911 OPERATOR: What’s his middle name.

    SILVER: Come on over, police.

    HARDING: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) … and you pushed me to the ground.

    SILVER: You’re a liar. You’re a liar. You are a felon, and I have nothing to hide. So come on over, officers.

    HARDING: Come on over.

    I’m looking for the audio because it’s pretty funny.

  3. Sure you might not elicit gasps of awe at your cerebral grandeur, but you certainly do elicit fits of laughter from the depths of our innermost chasms.

  4. It’s official, I can no longer read your blog in a quite place full of people. I’ve been embarrassed enough when I do the repressed laughing convulsions. Someone thought I was choking today. No shit.

  5. LK: You know it really doesn’t help our image as Texans to republish these Pasadena, Texas 911 calls. 😉 Hope the job is going well.


  6. That is funnier than some jokes I heard of! I guess real life, is funnier than makeup ones! Have a great week-end!

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