Deer Prezydint Bush

The White House is besieged by requests and letters from all corners of this country, especially America’s classrooms. The following is a virtual treasure trove of correspondence from elementary school students across the U.S.

Compiled by Mike Richardson-Bryan

Additional content/humor by Laurie Kendrick

Dear President Bush,

We’re almost out of ivory toothpicks and can you and God make more elefants? We also need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). My Daddy doesn’t like you Republikans. He calls you “Satan’s testicles”. I’ don’t know what that is but it sounds like something icy that hangs off the roof in the winter.    Daddy doesn’t like you at all, but  he still likes your tax cuts, the very ones you only give to your rich oil friends. Daddy also calls Mr. Bernanke a dick. I thought I heard Katie Couric say his name is Ben!

Anyway, can you give Daddy another tax break? Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I’ll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She’s from Mexico but don’t tell anyone ‘cuz it’s a big secret.

So is the fact that her brother Paco used to be your “dealer” in Austin. What does “dealer” mean, Mr. President? Does that mean you played cards a lot? I think that’s what it means, but to tell you the truth, my friends and I have played “Go Fish”, but I’ve never heard of that game Yolanda says you used to play; something about “Do Blow”????

I figure it must not have been very fun for you especially. I guess you kinda sucked at playing the game actually because Yolanda also says that Paco called you “El Hoover’.

Chip, age 7

* * *
.
Dear President Bush,

I want a Super Soaker and Rollerblades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he’s just some fat Swede and you’re the leader of the free world. It’s no contest! You win! Anyway, I’ve been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault.

Cats just don’t listen.

Next time you’re on TV, say hi to me. Oh, it doesn’t have to be actual words or nothing. Just say something, then look away briefly with a lost, vacant, detached look in your eye and I’ll know that’ll be a sign just for me that says “Hey there, Sonny!”

I’ll wave back.

Sonny, age 10.

P.S. Your mom looks like Wilfred Brimley

.

* * *

.
Dear President Bush,

Can you really turn back time? Mommy’s life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don’t accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn’t exist. It’s a paradox.

Also, were you ever in the Olympics? Did you ever compete as jimnast? I don’t think that’s spelled right but it’s one of those little, high voiced people who jump and flip and tumble on beams and on those parallel bars or whatever they’re called? I was just wondering if you were one because my other mommy, Claudine says you walk around half the time with your head up your ass. Does that hurt and isn’t bad breath a nasty side affect of that?

Gross!!!

Ashley, age 8

.

* * *

.
Dear President Bush,

There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it’s too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. I think we can spare Idaho and does anybody really care about Maine? Lobsters swim to Massachusetts, too you know!!! If not those states, let’s nix North Dakota from the Union. It’s small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.

Except maybe for Dennis Kucinich. But I think that’s because they’re related.

By the way, I heard my uncle Dan talking about you and your foreign policy the other day. What’s a cretin?

Eugene, age 9

.

* * *

.
Dear President Bush The Second ,

Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (WAAAAAY COOL!). I’ll vote for you forever someday, I promise!

Tell your Dad, the first president Bush that I said happy birthday and that I hope he lives another 120 years.

Hank, age 10

.

* * *

.
Dear President Bush,

I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. Crows or some bird. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I’m not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to play on the swings. It’s not fair!

I should be able to at least use the slide. Nothing is funner than sliding down…down…down.

You know, like your approval ratings.

Teddy, age 9

.

* * *

.
Dear President Bush,

Please find enclosed fifty cents. Consider me a Junior lobbyist and this is a campaign contribution. That means, I now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bath time. I HATE BATH TIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for ya.

By the way, I hear you have a favorite actress ( I think) who only appears in really BIG BUDGET war movies. What’s her name? Oh Yeah….Hallie Burton.

I think the G.I.s in Iraq and Afghanistan are catching her act now.

Zack, age 8

.

***

.
Dear President Bush,

I’m hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can’t afford relish or anything. Please put food in my family’s refridgerador? Refigrator? Ice box?

Anything you can spare would be great. God bless! OK?

Conny, age 7

(Even though this post is satire, as is the original article post on which it was based, I wouldn’t dare’ touch this last letter. It’s incredibly poignant (save for the relish part) and sadly, gut wrenchingly real for some child, somewhere….LK)

5 comments

  1. This is funny LK. “What’s a cretin”? I loved that and knew that was your stuff, but you’re slamming Bush here. Your still a die hard Republican, aren’t you?

  2. I’m still decidedly not a Democrat. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, l think Bush has had one of the most difficult presidencies in the history of this country. He didn’t always handle every situation with aplomb, but he was hit relentlessly with ordeal after ordeal and tragedy after tragedy.

    I would imagine that he’s an honorable man. He just made bad choices regarding many wrong people with whom he surrounded himself. He was misguided.

    Literally.

    LK

And now, you may opine your ass off...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s