EDITOR’S NOTE: Ladies, this is written for men mostly, but it can apply to you, too. Here at Laurie Industries, we’re all about reducing the stress involved in public defecation. The last thing we want is for you to get so bogged down in the stress often associated with crapping at work, that you find yourself regressing to thumb sucking while in “fecal position”.
We feel the following are things that will help take the “duh” out of dumping.
Read and learn.
Escapee — This gentlemen, is a fart that slips out while voiding your bladder at the urinal or grunt -forcing poop while sitting atop the porcelain Crap-O-Lounger a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and/or embarrassment.
You think to yourself, “Oh geez…did anyone hear that?”
This is similar to the hot flash wave thing you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn’t happen. If you’re standing next to the farter at the urinal or at the sink, cut him some slack and pretend that you didn’t hear it. The reality is no one likes an escapee, it’s an uncomfortable predicament for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
And if you’re standing by him at the urinal, for the love of God, don’t sneak a peak!! Things are bad enough without introducing an awkward ANDY DICK moment into the situation.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) — This happens when you’re too ambitious. When forcing your bowels to move, several farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. As in rapid fire. A Howitzer. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea –and almost always is in conjunction with a hangover. And refrain from vocalizing satisfaction. DO NOT let out a big sigh or an “Ahhhhhhhhhh”. That’s bad shitting etiquette and yes, gentlemen, you have to exercise some etiquette in shit play. OK–back to the matter at hand. If this should happen, it’s OK–don’t panic; hide out in the stall for a while. Remain until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush — The act of flushing the toilet the instant the tip of the log/turd hits the water. This also reduces the “olfactory hang time”–by that we mean the less time it’s exposed to air, the less time it’ll have to stench up the place. This can help you avoid being caught doing the ………………
Walk of Shame — Yes, the “Walk of Shame”, my friends. This occurs when you walk from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you’ve just stunk-up the place all to hell. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. Look, they know it’s yours because it has that “someone just shit” freshness to it. Deductive reasoning will take over where their sense of smell might fail. For example, they’ll figure out you’re the culprit because you either just walked out of the stall adjusting your pants, you’re washing your hands OR you’re the only one in the bathroom and you look guilty as hell.
How do you handle this? It’s easy: as one would do with a fart, it’s simply best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Make no eye contact and pray to gods you don’t believe in that you never see that pair of nostrils breathing in your wafting anal gases ever again.
If you are in the bathroom and forced to be a victim of the fresh shit, it too, is best that you pretend you smell NOTHING. Make no contorted facial expressions as if Hell itself just cut one, don’t sniff, or gag, or giggle–say nothing. However, if the bowel movement includes the nasal searing remnants of gastro-intestinally processed hard-boiled eggs, beer, Mexican food and/or curry, in order to refrain from obviating a normal reflexive response, you ARE permitted to weep silently.
A Proud Crapper — This is true of current and former football and rugby players, primarily. New Agers seem particularly “poop proud” too. What is a Proud Crapper? He is is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You’ll often see one of these out and proud poopers enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. And keep in mind, they probably assumed this stance as they walked through the main office, the newsroom, the copy room, the break room, the lobby and even the hallway leading to the can with a what amounts to a flashing neon sign above his head that defiantly reads, “I’m about to take a shit—try and stop me!!!!!”.
Safe Haven — (We ladies know about this one!!) A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. You can find these in the form of unisex/handicapped single room johns in theaters and some shopping malls. EXTRA ADDED BONUS: The door locks!!!! Gives you a chance to light a match if stench requires firepower.
Stall Crashers — This is usually a man in a hurry…a man with a lot on AND in his behind. A STALL CRASHER doesn’t take the time to either look in the stall door crack space or underneath for a pair of feet with trousers crumpled around them. No, the STALL CRASHER is on a very singularly focused “gotta take a shit-NOW” mission. He doesn’t realize that you’re in the stall and tries to force the door open. I would suggest deflecting this by attempting to utter something in another language. If you don’t speak another language, just use gibberish. Americans are more forgiving of foreigners forced to shit in a strange land–foreign dietary habits being what they are and all. . Even so, if a STALL CRASHER tries to invade your shit space, it can be one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occurs when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the STALL CRASHER leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-phlegm (cough) — A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that basically says, “Hey, I’m in the first stall trying to reduce my colon load, asshole!!” But the camo-phlegm cough can work two fold: it can also be used to cover-up a CANNON BALL or to alert any and all potential STALL CRASHERS. Very effective when used in conjunction with a GENE KELLY.
A Gene Kelly — A subtle toe-tap (different from the now patented “Larry Craig”) that’s used to alert potential STALL CRASHER that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is is occupied. If you hear a GENE KELLY, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace. If you’re the shitter, I’d recommend a cough, too…but it must be accompanied with a long sniff at the end. This gives credence that you’re actually sick. OR..proof that you’re one of those weird, shit-sniffing pervs.
The Cannonball — A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident, especially if your turd is so big, it creates a reverse bidet-like splash , leaving your whole ass covered in shit water. If you feel a CANNON BALL coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-PHLEGM COUGH above.
The Cuban Missile Crisis — A load of diarrhea that creates A) a continual full-on spigot-like flow B) one big quick, but forceful gush or C) a series of loud splashes in the water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-PHLEGM COUGH with a carefully timed GENE KELLY to disguise.
Uncle Mike — A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. (If it’s the latter, he’s probably trying to regain feeling in his posterior. Numbness is an obvious symptom of “Throne Ass”..sitting on the can too long, thus hampering circulation in the buttocks and upper thighs) . An UNCLE MIKE makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait (that is, IF the sphincter is working properly) to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Walk-by — This is pure recon. . Here’s what you do: you head to the bathroom of your choice, walk in and check for other poopers. If there are other poopers, it would be a good idea to say something out loud like “Damn, did I forget to send that fax?” or…”Shoot, I have to go back and hand Steve that report.” This makes the crappers in each stall think you’re actually just a forgetful asshole, as opposed to a pervy smell o’shit fetishist.
A Crack Whore Bathroom — A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus bathroom stall. One that also indicates your building’s janitorial staff sucks. CASE IN POINT: Tell-tale signs of a CRACK WHORE CAN include renegade pubes on the seat and floor immediately surrounding the toilet. Also included are urine stains (wet and dry) and BM streaks (both wet and dry) and no toilet paper to speak of.
But here’s a Laurie Industries tip: As nasty and vile as these hell holes are, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN especially if you feel that CANNON BALLS, ESCAPEES and A MASSIVE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS is in your immediate colo-rectal future.
(Thanks, in part to crystalpro.com)