Allow Me To Intrude

I like prying into your life.

I am a blogging voyeur.

You are fun to get to know; fun to analyze. And yes, it is analysis, of sorts. Since I know nothing about psychology, this gives me the opportunity to gain entre′ to your life and that in turn, USUALLY allows me to feel MUCH better about myself if I know what screw ups everybody else is.

And frankly, at this moment, I need a little help in that arena, so indulge me, won’t you?

Answer these questions, help me feel better and in doing so, you’ll be helping me knock out a cheap, quick and conceivably, quite interesting post since at the present time, I do not possess a single creative amoeba in my body.

Thank you.

•••••••

QUESTION ONE:

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person? Morally, ethically–nothing criminal, please. Frankly, I’m SOOOOO not in the mood to be part of a police investigation, so pretend I’m just a friendly, neighborhood, heterosexual priest in your friendly neighborhood confessional.

Tell me about about the person you were when you did these things: were you mean to this person or these people? If so, how, when and why? Did you humiliate them? Hurt their feelings? Break her heart or crush his spirit?

And then, tell me how you still feel about what you did.

QUESTION TWO:

If you could relive three hours of your life, what would they be? Why would you do it and when was that particular time? And if you got this incredibly unique opportunity, what you do differently this time?

QUESTION THREE:

Describe love to me. Physically, emotionally. School in the ways and means of love. Tell me everything. You see, I worry I’ll never find it. Would I even recognize it if it were before me?

I fear that my life will get all Eric Segal, the author of Love Story and someday someone will say to me, “Love means never having to say you’re Laurie”.

What a drag.

Seriously, tell me about love; your visceral reaction to it….everything.

QUESTION FOUR:

Who, what is God to you? No long, ecclesiastical, Bible quoting dissertations here, please. Just answer the question.

It’s easier than you think.

QUESTION FIVE:

There are just five questions in this post…that’s all. Hardly one of my lengthy, more pressing ones which drone on and on for pages indicating that I am obviously in love love with the sound of my own keyboard.

So, now then–let’s discuss lessons learned.

In this, my final query, I’d like for you to tell me about the time in which you felt the most fear. In the simplest of terms, when was the last time you were scared to death…scared , shitless”   Tell me about the last time you were absolutely scared to death –when you feared for your safety and well being or for someone else’s?   Tell me when it happened, where were you when it happened? How old were you?  Details.

More importantly, what did you learn from the experience?

•••••

EPILOGUE:

Sometimes, facing simple truths about ourselves is difficult. Brevity doesn’t always prompt ease and length or duration shouldn’t automatically instill the fear of complexity.

If my blog–more particularly, this post–can do anything it all, I want to hold it up to your face. Like a mirror. I do it to myself all the time, but this time, it’s your reflection looking back at you.

What do you see if you have nothing else in your line of sight but you? Do you see fear? Loathing? Confidence? Confusion? Regret? Remorse? Excitement? Optimism?

Hope?

I want those last three things for you, I really do, but like you, I’m human.

Mortal.

I wish that I could wish all of those evil things to the cornfield, Anthony, but I can’t. I can only relate. So, if you’re scared, I get it. I know. Hell, I’m petrified!

We’re scared of failing, we’re scared of succeeding. Scared of winning and losing; of loving and then one day realizing we’re lacking. Fear can be paralyzing. Immobilizing. It makes us grab on to the first thing that looks remotely secure. And then we continue to hold on because it makes us feel secure, no matter what.

But looks are deceiving…and so is stability.

It’s hard to let go, but nothing impedes progress more than refusing to relinquish your grip on something.

Or someone.

“You can never cross the ocean unless you’re willing to lose sight of the shore”

–Christopher Columbus

Come with me…….my ship sails at six bells.

22 comments

  1. I’ll take a stab at it.

    1. A 21 year old sergeant in the US Army involved with things way beyond my kin.

    2. Easy, the night I asked my wife to marry me.

    3. Love is like a HALO jump. You exit at high altitude and high velocity and hope like hell your parachute opens when it’s supposed to.

    4. There is a Creator, the fight is about the nature of that Creator.

    5. A 21 year old sergeant in the US Army involved with things way beyond my kin.

    Hope, regret, remorse, and JUMP!

  2. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person?” Follow my heart.

    “If you could relive three hours of your life, what would they be?” Any three naked hours.

    “Describe love to me.” Love defies description. Which is a cop-out of the worst kind, but as true as I can get.

    “Who, what is God to you?” God is what connects me to everything else.

    “When you were absolutely scared to death for your safety and well being or for someone else’s.” On learning that the person from #1 was in a warzone and I thought I’d never see him again.

  3. I had to tell someone I wasn’t in love with him. It hurt me, too, because we had a lot of fun together and I had feelings for him, too, but I just wasn’t in love with him.

    Laurie, you know the answer to this next question.

    Love. It’s when you see him/her and they still make your knees wobble and turn weak. It’s a feeling of trust in them-a sense of security. I have discovered that you can love someone without being in love.

    God to me is my salvation. I couldn’t have made it through my horrific ordeal without Him.

    I feel like I am stronger having gone through what I have in my life. I wish I could have done some things differently but I can’t go back and undo.

    I don’t recall ever been scared for my safety. I did have a scare once when I couldn’t get find my mother. She didn’t answer her phone one afternoon and when I went to her house, her car was there. I had a horrible feeling something was terribly wrong. But she had been out with friends.

  4. 1. Putting my poor parents through hell when I was a teenager.

    2. I think it would be the night that my sister and I were allowed into a club where our Dad was playing with his band. I’d like to relive that moment because he is an incredible entertainer; An awesom singer and guitarist. The neighborhood kids would always gather in our front yard to see our Dad walk out on Friday and Saturday night all dressed up and carrying his guitar to his car. This was in the 70’s. I wouldn’t want to change a thing about this.

    3. To me love means a turbulent breakup which ends in divorce, getting over the hostilities and then pining for each other after the dust settles. Screwy, huh?

    4. God is the beginning the middle and the end. He is everything. He always was and always will be. If there was a big bang He made it happen. If the theory of evolution is true, it was His plan.

    5. The only thing I can think of is when I was a deckhand on a 65 foot boat when one of the engines blew a gasket, spewing diesel onto one of the turbochargers. The damn boat just about blew up. We were in the middle of the bay and we had fire in the entire cabin area. Luckily we didn’t have that many passengers that day. We got everyone to the bow and my captain and I each grabbed a fire extiguisher and somehow got the fire out in the engine room. We did that by going in to the smoke and flames. I was mostly worried about the passengers. That’s the someone else you mentioned. After being towed back to the docks we had to jump off the bow onto the bulkhead and try to minimize the impact of this 50 ton vessel into the concrete bulkhead. That was a bit scary. I was all of 17 years old. My hair was singed almost into an afro and I was blowing black snot for about two weeks after.

  5. 1. Many years ago I said some awfully hurtful things to my oldest son who was 7 or 8 at the time. I was going through some emotional trauma and let my life get out of control. I will never forget the look on his face…never, ever, have I done this to any of my children again.

    2. This may sound weird but I would like to relive the emotions(not the pain)of giving birth to my last baby. Knowing she was our last and meeting that precious little thing (I felt this way with all four of them)that we created was the proudest and happiest accomplishment I have ever done.

    3.Love-with every decade of my life, I have seen and experienced many forms of love. At first you are so physically attracted. Then you begin to know the person(by the way we are all on our best behavior then)and you can’t imagine your life without that person. The nitty gritty of life really begins after you live together and start sharing problems. You will disappoint and hurt the other in ways you never dreamed. Somehow, if you truly love, you get through these things and still want that person with you. Hopefully, these feelings are felt on both sides. Dr. Phil once said that love and marriage was not a long date but a long commitment.(or something like that)

    4.God is my Father….I look at him as I would my earthly father. He is who I go to for everything and I know that he loves me unconditionally.

    5. One time I left my youngest child asleep in the back of our van while I took a child I was taking care of into her mom’s school. She was four and knew how to unlock the doors. I was gone 5 minutes and came back, got in and left. As I was driving two blocks down the road, I called to her and there was no answer. when I discovered her gone, my life stopped at that moment. The worst fear had happened and it was my fault. I turned around and went back and the school bell had rung and there she was standing with other kids on the sidewalk. Never again did that happen to us!!

  6. You are asking for some humongous comments, Kendrick. But since you don’t want anything criminal, I’m out.

  7. 1. The worst thing I did. When my daughter was in a full on autistic tantrum when she was 3, I lost my temper and grabbed her, pushed her to the ground and screamed terrible things into her face. Today, she’s pretty close to normal neurologically, but when I reach over to her to pet her face, she flinches. She never forgets anything.

    2. If I could go back, I would undo that.

    3. Love is a lump in your throat. Love carries with it hope thoughts of the future. Love to me is also a fear of loss. Love can be a desperate thing for me because once I’ve really loved someone, I never forget. I can carry a little flame forever. But true married love is knowing that one of us will be holding hands with the other on the last day of life. He is also the only family member I ever got to choose.

    4. God is love. I mean it in the most literal sense. It’s the feeling that drives humans. The lack of it causes despair. People who are full of love show us what God is. I think love is the signal God sends to us, and we are tasked with transmitting it.

    5. Being chased down South Padre island by some strangers when I was about 8. I was with my sister she was 12. We lived there, so we felt safe going for a walk. The beach was deserted and windy and the sand was blowing in our eyes. A man and a woman closer to the water kept looking over at us. My sister got nervous and we picked up our pace. The strangers crossed the sand and went up to the road and we were relieved thinking they were going to their car. Then they burst out between two condos and really started chasing us. We were so close to home by then that we managed to get to the stairs of our complex. I remember them chasing us all the way to the door, but I think that’s my imagination.

  8. 1. Well, she never really knew how good she had it. Boxed Wine will do it to ya. Normally, I know I’ve done something wrong when the cops arrive. But no, I don’t regret it. She kept talking about partying with Slash and Axl Rose in Mexico, so I know she’s had worse things done to her. Also, it only would have been humiliating had she been awake.
    2. I’d like to relive the three hours leading up to my wedding. Don’t ask what I’d do, I’m really not sure, but the divorce is telling me I should have done something differently.
    3. Love is ugly, blatant, brutal honesty.
    4. God could be a potted plant for all I know. Look, we got here somehow, but I’m not quite arrogant enough to tell you that I know which ‘God’ is the right ‘God’. No such thing. You either believe in chance, or you know there is a creator. This week, to me, He’s a cloud.
    5. Invading Iraq in 2003. I was 22. You would have been scared too. As far as a lesson learned goes, don’t sign off on student loans, you may have to go to war to pay them off.

  9. 1. After my ex-husband went AWOL I had to find daycare immediately, so I ended up leaving my son at a perfect strangers house for the day when he was 2 years old. (It was a licensed daycare, but he was terrified and I left him there screaming and it was AWFUL)

    2.Any of the three hours during 2005-06. I could have legally changed my sons name to mine at that point, now it would be more difficult.

    3. Love is rare, which is what makes it so great.

    4. Who isn’t God? (I am not that deep, but I cannot think of an answer here.)

    5. January 2004, I was flying and we hit the type of turbulence that you see in movies. I was positive we were going to die. Now whenever I fly I am the “crazy” lady who clutches onto the stranger in the seat next to myself while downing as many glasses of wine as the flight attendant allows.

  10. 1. Doing the separation thing with my now ex-wife, but deciding (wrongly) to move back into the house only to find out a few months later that moving back in was a terrible mistake. It hurt the kids most, my moving out twice, and if I could have a do-over, I’d choose not to move back in.

    2. I’d love to relive the five minutes it took my oldest child to deliver her 9th-grade honors class speech (only this time, I’d record it on video). Fortunately I will always have a hardcopy of the speech, which she gave flawlessly.

    3. Love: It’s all you need (and so difficult to capture and maintain!). I’ve discovered that love is as simple as knowing you like the person you’re with to the extent that no matter how that person changes, you’re going to be right there with her cheering her on and she’s going to do the same for you.

    4. Look out your window. That pretty much explains it.

    5. March 1995. My son had the first of many febrile seizures as a 10-month old. It was a 911 day and anytime you’re calling 911 you’re very likely scared of something that dark and unfriendly.

  11. 1. I can’t tell you all the details, but it involved a darkened room, a carton of cigarettes, and a car trip to see a Facist play.

    2. Three of the hours the night after my wedding. The car was jam packed with wedding gifts. It was pouring down rain. I kept running out, getting gift by gift while my wife and I giggled at our good fortune.

    3. Love is driving daily on ice-covered roads to visit a man in a psych hospital who, within an hour after you leave, doesn’t remember you were there.

    4. God is love.

    5. I don’t know about the most fear, but I was pretty afraid as I felt the ladder leading up to my in-laws 3rd-story attic gradually sliding out from under my feet.

    How about you?

  12. This should be good

    1. I was a lousy father–my wife, God bless her, took care of things at home, including raising our sons, while I spent most of my time earning a buck. There is no way to sugar coat it–and this is not one of those instances where I didn’t know what I had, until I lost it–I knew, and did it anyway. When I put in my appearance on Friday nights, my wife would tell the boys Uncle Daddy’s home. I am a decent husband, but maybe that’s because my wife doesn’t give me a choice, and she is the love of my life.

    People I know and do business with would say I am a good guy–good family man, provider and all that. I haven’t made many enemies, despite the fact that I am relatively opinionated. My sons might say I was a good father, too–but they couldn’t really mean it. The good news here is they are are both great fathers–much better than I ever was. One lives in Australia, while the other lives in Jersey–if we want to see them and our grandchildren, we get on a plane ride. You reap what you so, Ms. K.

    2. Easy–the 3 hours or so my wife and I spend on a pontoon at the Plantation Inn in Ochos Rios, Jamaica in March of 1979–I went out and bought a case of Red Stripe, and we sneaked out the hotel around 11 (this place was for the older crowd)–we put the beer on a raft, rowed out to the pontoon and had the best time of our lives–she would tell you that as well. Afterwards, we went for a swim, then to bed. Next morning the boat was still tied to the pontoon–with the beer in it. Later that day we climbed Dunn’s River Falls–drunk–that might be #2. The rest of our time down there was less than enthralling–there was a bit of a Civil War going on down there at the time–Communists rarely let election results get in the way of their agenda (I got a discount). We left early–when my bride ran out of Carlton Mentols.

    3. Love is a condition of extreme fondness that we generally reserve for close relatives and attractive people of the opposite sex. My thinking is there is a continuum of Love–With the love of a mother for her child being at one end, and a quickie with somebody you met at a pub at the other. Everything else falls in between. Usually, but not always, the love you feel for your spouse starts out closer to Mother’s love than a quickie (note: we’re assuming the sex is good here)–but not always (see Hollywood). Sometimes, particularly when you’re a guy, if the object of your affection is extremely attractive, it’s hard to sort through your feelings–you don’t know whether your enjoying true love, or an extended quickie. There is a difference, but you may require time to come up with the right answer. I believe Davy Crockett said it best “be sure you’re right, then go ahead”–if, after a year or so, you are less happy when the object of your affection is not with you, you’re in love–and you are a lucky devil. Of course, the odds that she will feel the same about you are not good, so there’s that to deal with.
    4. God is great and good–I learned that from the little old ladies at the Progress Chruch of God when I was a mere toddler. Saved me a lot of trouble later on–no hitting bottom, rebirthing and that sort of thing. Phoebe, that was my mom, was stronger than she looked, and she deserves a lot of credit for getting my sorry ass out of bed on Sunday morning–it’s that mother’s love thing. We did the same for our boys, and they hated us for it.
    5. Easy, but painful to recall. My youngest son was an asthmatic–in the Fall he’d suffer some nasty bouts with that stuff–often ending up in hospital in a croup tent with an IV stuffed in his arm. One of the bouts was more serious than the rest–the meds couldn’t get the breathing restored. There’s nothing worse than watching your little boy struggle for breath–for maybe 16 hours. They say if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger–well, in a sense that’s what happened with us. We took the kid to Johns Hopkins the following week, and they pretty much got him straightened out–for good. Turns out our local folks, while well intentioned, had no clue.

  13. 1. Bloodying my brother’s nose in the sixth grade, for no good reason, after a minor argument escalated.

    2. Playing Baranby Tucker in my high school production of Hello Dolly. Probably the only time I’ve felt in my element was when I was someone else.

    3. Love is way more than being twitterpated and horny. It’s about the feeling I get when I can make my wife of nearly tewnty years laugh out loud…which is thankfully often.

    4. God is aloof and distant. Therefore I rely on me and those around me.

    5. The night my first son was born by C-Section. I was 22, she was 19. We were in Germany, the Army hospital had no room, so we were whisked to a small German hospital. My son was subsequently whisked to yet another German hospital 20 kilomters away. I stood outside the hospital where my wife was in recovery. It was dark, raining a little, and I had no car and no clue what town I was in.

  14. 1. When I was in college, I had a friend who (as a practical joke) filled up my MG Midget convertible with dried leaves. Important to this little story…this friend had a proclivity for hitting on high school girls. My response to his joke was to craft out of construction paper a near-perfect replica of California vanity license plate that read “MOLEST” with a license plate frame that read “I’ll date your 13-year old”…

    I then pasted that on top of his real license plate. He drove around all weekend without realizing…until he was stopped by a police officer.

    2. The three hours I would re-live would be the three hours I attempted to watch The English Patient. I’d replace those three hours by repeatedly slamming my left hand into a car door…that would be less painful.

    3. Pistol Pete has the description of Love perfectly. A local pastor had the best definition of knowing if someone loves you that I have ever heard…someone loves you if they help you obey God…

    4. God is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…

    5. I can’t ever remember being truly “scared shitless”. That’s not to say I have grace under fire or anything. Perhaps the closest is when I was a bicycle courier in Washington DC during the Summer of ’86 and I turned the wrong way down a Pennsylvania Avenue access road trying to avoid lights and get to the DOJ by 5pm (it was 4:53)…a Toyota Tercel never saw me and pulled right out into the road. We collided (as I was going about 25-30mph)…

    But the entire thing happened so fast I really wasn’t scared until I was flying over his vehicle. In what seemed like a half hour airborne, I recollect being afraid that I was going to land in traffic and get run over (clearly, that didn’t happen) and that my boss was going to be PISSED that I didn’t get to the DOJ in time with the documents I was delivering…

    What did I learn? Don’t ride your bike the wrong way down a one way street…

  15. Nigel, I like your idea of the license plate. That reminds of the time when a gay friend of mine drove around our small town with some very nasty words written in shoe polish on the passenger side of his car which he had no knowledge of. Yes, he drove through down town.

  16. Paleo–our first son was born in Augsburg, Germany in an army hospital and I can assure you it probably wasn’t a whole lot better than that hosptital you encountered. I was 20 and my husband was 21 and we had no idea what was happening or what to do either. I can tell you one thing though, we were a hell of lot more mature then than any kids that age I know these days. What made us different back then?(our oldest son will be 36 in July)This would be another interesting topic for your blog, Laurie???

  17. Kathy,

    I still have no idea what made me drive on, other than that quiet voice that seemed to always point me in the right direction (God, maybe?) All I know is that if you simply stop and think things through, like I did that rainy night in Wasserloss, Germany, it seems to fall into place.

    Some day I’ll tell the story of our second son, also born in Germany, at the 97th General in Frankfurt. Sheesh!

    Maturity often hits you like a freight train…

  18. I feel a bit like i’m intruding here not being a regular commenter. I do love this blog though.

    1. Insisting my mum go collect something for me after work when i could have got it myself. I kicked up such a fuss and she obliged. She took a different route through London Bridge that night and had a terrible accident which changed all our lives.

    2. I’d split the time. I’d like to re-spend time with my sister when we were teens in the 90s and go to any of the parties we went to which were just amazing crazy wreckless fun. I loved spending those times with her. And i’d gladly relive any 3 hours of the last few months, especially last weekend – because of question 3.

    3. Pretty sublime. When someone totally ‘gets you’. Feeling secure. Slightly overwhelmed in a really good way. Butterflies. Letting go. When you least expect it. And you find yourself smiling for no reason.

    4. I’m currently going through a ‘there is no God’ phase. I keep watching the news, it gets to me like that.

    5. Scared to death. One night, a few years ago in a dark street when i was lost. A few minutes before i became a statistic, the sound of footsteps and knowing i had nowhere to run. After that fear becomes anger and it can consume you. If you let it.

  19. Okay. I’ll bite.

    1. There are many horrible things that I did that pertain to the Red Incident. The worst was probably thinking “Oh. Well, now all I have to do is NOT GET CAUGHT,” with a smug smile on my face.

    2. That Friday night in Las Vegas. It was simply the most free I’d ever felt.

    3. Knowing that when Shit hits the Fan, they’ll be there to help you clean it up- and you’ll have the best time doing it.

    4. God is that guy I can rely on when everyone- family, justice, money, even when religion fails me. I just have to let him know that I need some help. And ultimately, he gives me a path, but it’s up to ME to take it.

    5.This has to be the motorcycle accident.
    My BF and I t-boned a car doing an illegal Uturn and we flew over the hood and about 20 feet. I started screaming when I hit the ground cause I believed that was IT- I was dead, cause no one survives motorcycle accidents. It took a few seconds for me to realize that SCREAMING was me, and that I wasn’t dead cause I could hear myself screaming.

  20. 1. I was horribly mean, no, make that cruel, to my little sister growing up. I said and did things to her that still make me feel like crap 35 years later. I don’t know that she’ll ever be able to fully forgive me.

    2. 3 Hours revisiting Buddy in Crested Butte, CO and playing in the hot tub under the gigantic snowflakes and hazy moon.

    3. Love is what makes your heart hurt when you think of being without someone.

    4. I agree with Tri on this one – look outside and marvel at the wonder nature. God is everywhere.

    5. I went to Guatemala to pick up our first son a day before my husband. The baby and I waited at the airport for him but his plane was rerouted to El Salvador due to clouds. My husband had no idea where we were and I had no idea where he was. He ended up spending the night in the airport in San Salvador and I spent a night in a hotel in Guatemala City with our new baby. I had no idea how we’d find each other or if I’d ever see my husband again. Having armed guards wandering the street in front of my hotel wasn’t much of a comfort either. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep, but the hotel staff helped get me to the airport for his flight the next morning.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s