Picture Perfect

Ninety-eight percent of the entire world is extremely non-photogenic.

And sometimes, cut-rate photography only exacerbates the situation. Sadly, if you were generally unattractive when you walked into the studio, when your proofs are ready a week later, you will find that even on special Kodak paper, you’re actually more unattractive.

And if your DNA, glacially slow metabolism, lack of dental insurance, taste in clothing and your unrefined hairstyling and make-up application skills weren’t bad enough, add horrific lighting, cheap and tawdry backdrops and schlocky, pathetic poses to the mix.

Put ’em altogether and they spell: P-H-O-T-O-G-R-A-P-H-I-C D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

I have examples which were sent to me in a recent e-mail.

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This is Trey’s official yearbook photo after being awarded “Bitchinest Mullet” in the Junior class of Billy R. Cyrus High School in Sanguine Neck, Mississippi.

His Senior year, Trey was voted “Most Likely To Drive An ’85 Iroq-Z”.

He graduated in 1994.

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The famed “two-in-one” shot. Clark serious/Clark the impish scamp. The smiling pose makes him look like he just made a dubious batch of “ass crackers” in his pants.

The little devil.

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The Bartoviak family takes a break from it’s rough and tumble life traversing the rugged Cumberland Trail via a Conestoga wagon. This photo was taken just as Papa Wojciech , an amateur wheelwright, finished making necessary repairs. Minutes before, little Milos and Fermina played in the babbling brook.

Two days later, the dysentery took Mama to be with Jesus.

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Seven kids???? I’m impressed, but hey Mom and Dad–it’s a vagina; NOT a clown car!!!!!!!!!!

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Clyde and Doreen agreed that “The Brandy Snifter of Love” style made for the perfect wedding photo.

The style of their first anniversary photo? The loving couple has already made a decision..

Year One will be commemorated in the “Chafing Dish of Acrimony”.

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Fawn Laurel Rosencranz didn’t want convention to be a part of her Olan Mills experience. She wanted to get back to nature. So, for her backdrop, she chose this bucolic scene with an Abe Lincoln approved split rail fence, dead grass, a few shrubs and over her right shoulder, half of a wilderbeast carcass rotting in the afternoon sun.

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Proof of the very “hands on” nature of the Southern Baptists. More “laying of hands”, Trent and Bruce?

Go forth and drink and dance, you two same gendered ass clowns!!

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Nope. Don’t adjust your eyes. They’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with the photograph either. It wasn’t overexposed. Nothing like that.

It’s just that the Seventies really were that orange.

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Stanley bucked album cover tradition and elected to be photographed in drag (in a fabulous pastel yellow gown made of eyelet-lace and polyester charmeuse) as opposed to the stuffy jacket and bow tie look the other “boys in the band” chose.

You have to love his Alison Janney, early “West Wing” look. Few can pull that off. Stanley completely captured Janney’s homely, “come hither, then go away unless you can fix my face!!!” appeal.

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The Himmler Boys (now living in Argentina) are a close knit bunch, but one would think that Oma and Opa could’ve gone to “Der Lens Crafters” to spring for two more pairs of geek glasses for the un-spectacled “Teutonic kinder”in der family, Little Heinrich and Little Adolph.

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I’d like for you to meet Pete O’File, the nice, Irish man who just ADORES kids and lives across the street from the elementary school.

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An early portrait of famed bearded Hollywood director, John “Twilight Zone”Landis and his lovely bride, Trudy Lynn taken during the halcyon days of film school–well before one of his helicopters “killed” Vic Morrow.

Interesting choice of backdrop. It’s obviously that of a Communist library. Why else would all the books lean to the left?

AND FINALLY…

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Sissy Gallagher was selected from a bevy of zoftig High School beauties, to pose for the cover of the 2008 adult erotica version of Chuck Dickens’ book, “Tale of Two Titties”.

19 comments

  1. i do believe the picture (second from the last) of the couple is taken at a law school for it’s directory. we had our’s taken just like that many years ago and it’s just as bad.

  2. I need to have a self portrait with the double image. That “two in one” shot of that guy is priceless. Do you think they still do those at Walmart portrait studios? I’m being serious.

  3. These are awesome–I will say, as a Baptist, that I’ve never been to such a convention as that one. I assure you, those guys were not really there. 😉

  4. I’ll send you my high school annual if you’ll write insults next to everyone that looks funny and mail it back to me.

  5. There is a picture of myself floating around out there sitting on a table (for whatever reason) and sporting the most lovely of all early 80’s large forehead full of bangs. So thanks for not finding it for this post. But the rest are priceless.

  6. This was a tribute(?) to middle class America and the lengths we go to having a memory of our pasts. When we were kids, we couldnt help it if ou folks dragged us to a Olan Mills, JC Penneys,, Walmart etc, but how in the world did we agree and approve of these horrible portraits as adults????? I guess you do what ya gotta do at the time….. One thing about it-we are all in it together siince everyone one of us could pull out a photo or two or three and look just like everyone else!!!!

  7. I love the mullet! I sported one of my own for about three years of elementary school. Thanks Mom.

    The “two in one” shot is priceless. What is he posing for with that stupid grin, anyway?! His mental patient of the month portrait?

  8. In the 80’s, I sported the Electric Mullet as well…praise God that there are so very, very few photos of me…

    Considering my current hairline though…I’d gladly go back to being bemulleted…

  9. Aww… Damn you Laurie Kendrick! You and your computer savvy ways!

    I got this email a week ago and have been trying like Hell to figure out how to get the pics into MY blog…
    well, you’ve won this round , my friend…but I shant be so easily bested next time! (evil laugh)
    … then again, I am kind of a putz.

  10. My dad sent me those the other day. On our way to hockey the other night I quiped about what made those two guys take their shirts off and whether the girl questioned taking her shirt off too, but then backed out at the last minute. I like to think it was a last minute “Dude, lets show off our gnarly pecks” type of deal. I also like to think they have a dirty little sex triangle going on and the girl is obviously not the adventurous one.

    On a side note. I am so glad that I live 2 miles from the ocean and that my high school grad pictures are in real sand and don’t use a backdrop. Although, I do have some cheesy one’s with me and my guitar. But, we’ll just keep that our little secret.

  11. Friends don’t let friends wear mullets.

    There is something strangely suspicious about the Himmler Boys: The two boys with glasses are wearing a bowl cut with bangs and the other two are wearing a comb over. I’m not sure what this signifies but perhaps there was a Goebbels in the wood pile.

  12. Some times when I post someone’s photo in a post I wonder – “What if they ever visit my site?” Then, after a moment of introspection, I think, “Oh well. It’s worth a few hits.”

  13. # 3 is identical to one I have when I was about a year old with my parents. I’ve never seen another like it lol. I’m sure it was Olan Mills, around 1975-ish.

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