Give It Up For Colloquial English

Dontcha just love smart, brainy types??? The people who know that the biggest things on their bodies are their vocabularies???
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What you are about to read is a compilation of current and previous winners from the Washington Posts, “Mensa Invitational”, which each year asks readers to take any word from the English dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, then supplying a new definitions.
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Some of these are truly hilarious. All are devastatingly clever.
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1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
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2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
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3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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.4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
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5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
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6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
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7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
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8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
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9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
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10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
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11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
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12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
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13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
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14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
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15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
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16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
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17. Caterpallor ( n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you’re eating.
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These were just a few submissions. The REAL winner’s are as follows:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

9 comments

  1. This would be a great exercise to try when I have absolutely nothing else to do. Sarchasm was definitely my favorite. With esplanade and ignoranus tying for a distant second.

  2. I have to agree with notfrommars. “Sarchasm” was definitely my favorite.

    However, “Intaxication” was a close second for me. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. Thanks for the tip on Fausta!

    I read that book, it was wonderful! The interview should be interesting.

    Glibido – I dated that guy.

  4. On intaxication, there is a way to think positive about it. If you lend 100 โ‚ฌ to a best buddy it is a calculated risk you take. The government do not leave you the choice of whether or not to lend them the money but at least they pay back.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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