I’m Gonna Try My Hand At Writing…

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ARIES: This will be a month in which you will probably sleep at night and wake up in the morning. You’ll probably eat some breakfast, lunch and dinner in between. Be careful though…don’t indulge too much. We know about that little intestinal issue. What? There are bladder problems, too? Can’t hold your water? Well, I guess that just Depends.

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TAURUS: For bulls, this month will be a breeze. Absolutely nothing can or will go wrong. Life will be as easy as pie and as gentle as a kitten. Happiness abounds everywhere you look. Shucks, we even predict that you’ll fall madly in love and you’ll receive a financial windfall. Oops! Gotta split. I’m running late for my compulsive liars group therapy meeting . Have you lost weight, too?

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GEMINI: The moon is primed for dealing with that hair issue you’ve been ignoring. We suggest actually getting a few sprouts on your noggin as opposed to cultivating all the ones growing in your palm. However, it’s doubtful that anyone will even notice the difference. This will annoy you since you are quite the attention whore. I mean, every body gets an iridescent electric green Mohawk when they reach the big four-seven, right!! It goes beautifully with your yellow teeth.

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CANCER: On a day that ends in “Y” this week, you will be approached by a large mole—attached to the chin of a very old woman, probably of Slovak extraction. She will offer you a bite of her power bar. Decline the offer, then spit three times, then scratch your left arm while you bark the musical bridge of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. You’re probably thinking these ludicrous things are breaking some ancient Eastern European spell, right? Nah, we’ll tell you anything to make you look like a total ass in public.

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LEO: What’s with that gray tooth of yours? Yeah…that one? Don’t you have dental insurance at work? You should. Even if you can’t afford it, there are other ways to achieve that freshly “I just had dental cosmetic techniques performed on my teethices” look without those pesky “dental cosmetic” prices. It’s simple. Snag a bottle of Liquid Paper and apply liberally. If that doesn’t work, slather bean dip across all the teeth that aren’t gray. That’ll deflect attention. Promise.

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VIRGO: Begin ALL business correspondence on this day by addressing everyone as “Piss Breath”. Defy social convention at all costs and wear sexually ambiguous clothing…but think: “French trollop”. If you’re in a position of authority, demand that all staffers in your employ take a urine test. Then, proceed to grade them. How? Don’t ask me! What am I—psychic???

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LIBRA: This week is a great time to be paranoid. You ARE being followed; your phone IS being tapped AND Big Brother is reading every one of your e-mails. As a result, the feds will no doubt find your collection of kitty porn. There goes your chance to play top to that stud of studs, Chairman Meow. Man, that is one crazy cat!! You’re facing arrest, so look your best. Shave something. Your cell mate is a large, hairy man named Bethany.

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SCORPIO: Do nothing but ride the elevator at the office all day long and insist on having pretend conversations with an imaginary friend, standing in the corner. Make fart sounds with your mouth and accuse other riders of the dirty deed. If they protest, immediately tell them in English that you only speak Esperanto. Make sure you get out on the third floor, exiting the elevator in a series of grande plies and scream, ”I’m ready for my close up now, Mr. De Mille!!!”

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SAGITTARIUS: You live in Houston, but on this day, insist on speaking with a Boston accent for one minute intervals every time the close strikes :20 after every hour. Tell people you love Ricotta cheese, although it killed your uncle Cosgrove. He drowned in a vat of it back in the Old Country. If someone asks you which “Old Country”, look at them oddly as though your watching a fly circling his or her face.

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CAPRICORN: Don’t wear cologne at all this week. It’ll attract unwanted attention from people who live in old refrigerator boxes in Kansas. Walk only on the right side of the street with your head completely tilted back. Run into the occasional flag pole or mailbox and when you do, back up making that irritating beeping sound like a big truck. Every once in a while, pretend to shift invisible gears with your right fist and shout, “Vroom, vroom!!!”

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AQUARIUS: What’s with all this talk about globalization? Nonsense. You tell them that your testicles are just fine. This is a good week to go on a diet. We advise walking up and kissing strangers. Once the herpes clear up, take a trip around the office and look for someone taking a little snooze at his or her desk. Grab a permanent marker and draw Harry Potter glasses around their eyes as they sleep. When they wake up, hold a mirror up to their faces and demand that they admit the “Lord of the Rings Trilogy” is a MUCH better produced series of movies.

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PISCES: You will finally find a pair of gym socks that have been missing. Look inside. There’s a treasure; it’s a wayward dryer sheet. Shout “Hallelujah” repeatedly into the face of the first person you see. Before you walk away, hand them a pre-written bill demanding payment for “services rendered”. Then, stand there impatiently with your arms folded, a scowl on your face and tap your foot incessantly. If that doesn’t work, pull out a Tootsie Roll from you back pocket, take a large bite out of it and then say, “Wow! This is tasty anal fruit! Wanna bite?”

16 comments

  1. Oh my god, I AM an attention whore!! Even with a full head of hair and nary a one on the palm. So, does this mean I’ll win the lottery?

  2. Hmmm…I have never lived in Houston, been there a few times. I do think I can manage the Cosgove and ricotta lie. It’ll make for interesting customer conversation at the restaurant.

  3. You are uncanny. I’m a Gemini and, except for the green Mohawk, you’ve got me pegged. My mohawk’s incandescent pink.

  4. Hey Pastor,

    God told me a just yesterday that he sure loves smart asses, especially among his vicar’s on Earth.

    That said, he wants me to convey to you that every time you write a smart ass quip in my comment section, this pleases him greatly.

    Me? Not so much, but to Yahweh?? You’re aces!!

    LK

  5. You are so good!! I found happiness yesterday, and now I can rest easy since I know LOTS of money is coming my way. Am I going to win the lottery?!!!!?

  6. As an Aquarius I admit that my testicles are fine the way they are and Lord Of The Rings is a much better produced series than Potter.
    I am going to take your advise on a going napinator with someone. I need one.

  7. Yes, BV, but they were certainly not meant to be fully inserted into orifices. The body is a temple. Also, the ‘pulsating’ feature was brought to you by the good people at 3M. They don’t make alot of the things you use, they make them better.

  8. Hey Pastor,

    God told me a just yesterday that he sure loves smart asses, especially among his vicar’s on Earth.

    That said, he wants me to convey to you that every time you write a smart ass quip in my comment section, this pleases him greatly.

    Me? Not so much, but to Yahweh?? You’re aces!!

    LK

    The Pistol fires back: Either I’m in an unfunny mood and am missing the humor of your poignant remarks, or, you would really rather I not make attempts at humor in my comments. I’ll play it safe and assume the latter. You’ve got a great blog and I seriously don’t want to tarnish it in any way.

  9. Come on, Rev…I was being sarcastic. You and I have that kind of relationship here in the blogosphere. Hell, you initiated the parameters of our relationship weeks ago!!! I’ve always ONLY responded to your comments in kind.

    Please smile. Return to your festive mood. Our mutual admiration society continues……untarnished.

    LK

  10. Yeah… what Billy said (only after a few glasses of wine): “my testicles are fine the way they are”.

    I know nothing about Potter vs. Lord of the Rings though. I leave that to my fellow Aquarius.

  11. Thanks for clarifying your intent. It’s hard to detect sarcastic smirks on a monitor.

  12. Yes, I know Rev. I have problems discerning that myself sometimes. I’ve read comments from you and countless others and had no idea how to take certain comments. And lately, I have something of a hair trigger temper. I’ve had to become very protective of my intellectual property. My hand has been forced several times on my own blog.

    My reaction to these things are indeed, an issue I’m trying to cope with. I have to “consider the source” more often. Very few people who comment here know the real me, or what’s in my heart, how my soul has evolved to help me be the woman I’ve struggled to become. Still, the urge to fight back and vanquish is my first response. You know…”set them straight”. My problem is that as a public figure, I spent half my life taking crap off people who freely criticized and I never fought back. Almighty ratings quashed all that.

    Not any more. I now have a problem NOT fighting back.

    Furthermore, jumping to conclusions about someone’s expressed intent is easy to do. Without really knowing the author, our ability to interpret subtle nuance is hampered. Jumping to conclusions is easy to do. I’ve done it. We also have to consider the mood someone might be in when a particular comment is written…and when it’s read.

    I guess the lesson learned then is that we all have to be more careful in what we write.

    Are we still friends?

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