Follow As Directed

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“Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” — In an information booklet.

· “Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

· “Warning: This product can burn eyes.” — On a curling iron.

· “Do not use in shower.” — On a hair dryer.

· “Do not use while sleeping.” — On a hair dryer.

· “Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.” — On a hand-held massaging device.

· “Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.” — On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

· “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.” — On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

· “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.” — On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

· “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” — On an electric rotary tool.

· “Caution: Do not spray in eyes.” — On a container of underarm deodorant.

· “Do not drive with sun shield in place.” — On a cardboard sun shield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

· “Caution: This is not a safety protective device.” — On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

· “Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.” — On an “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter.

· “Do not eat toner.” — On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

· “Not intended for highway use.” — On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

· “This product is not to be used in bathrooms.” — On a Holmes bathroom heater.

· “May irritate eyes.” — On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

· “Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” — On a novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock.”

· “Caution: Hot beverages are hot!” — On a coffee cup.

· “Warning: May contain small parts.” — On a frisbee.

· “Do not use orally.” — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

· “Please keep out of children.” — On a butcher knife.

· “Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.” — On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

· “Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.

· “Warning: Do not use on eyes.” — In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

· “Do not look into laser with remaining eye.” — On a laser pointer.

· “Do not use for drying pets.” — In the manual for a microwave oven.

· “For use on animals only.” — On an electric cattle prod.

· “For use by trained personnel only.” — On a can of air freshener.

· “Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.” — On a can of air freshener.

· “Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.” — On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

· “Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.” — In the manual for a jet ski.

· “Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.” — A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

· “Do not use as ear plugs.” — On a package of silly putty.

· “Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.” — On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.·

“Warning: knives are sharp!” — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

· “Not for weight control.” — On a pack of Breath Savers.

· “Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.” — On the label of a bottled drink.

· “Do not use intimately.” — On a tube of deodorant.

· “Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.” — On a box of rat poison.

· “Fragile. Do not drop.” — Posted on a Boeing 757.

· “Cannot be made non-poisonous.” — On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

· “Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.” — On a portable stroller.

· “Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes.” — On a tube of Agarose powder, used to make gels.

· “Look before driving.” — On the dash board of a mail truck.

· “Do not iron clothes on body.” — On packaging for an iron.

· “Do not drive car or operate machinery.” — On Boot’s children’s cough medicine.

· “For indoor or outdoor use only.” — On a string of Christmas lights.

· “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” — On a child sized Superman costume.

· “This door is alarmed from 7:00pm7:00am.” — On a hospital’s outside access door.

· “Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.” — On a sign at a railroad station.

· “Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

· “Product will be hot after heating.” — On a supermarket dessert box.

· “Do not turn upside down.” — On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

· “Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” — On a lighter.

· “Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.” — On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

· “Not for human consumption.” — On a package of dice.

· “May be harmful if swallowed.” — On a shipment of hammers.

· “Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty.” — A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

· “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

· “Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.” — From a manual for a computer.

· “Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

· “Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.

· “Do not eat if seal is missing.” — On said seal.

· “Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were hand-holds.

· “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

· “Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

· “Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

· “Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

· “Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

· “Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

· “Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

· “Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

· “For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

· “Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

· “Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

7 comments

  1. And to think. If I hadn’t dropped out of Creative Writing school, I could be writing warning labels just like those. Such is life.

  2. Let’s face it, if we didn’t have these labels on products, most of us would probably be dead. Or at the very least, killed indirectly by one of the morons as they do something stupid with something they should otherwise not have something to do with. In this country, we should be required to take “street-smarts” tests every 4 years.

  3. I once tried ironing my clothes while wearing them. I was in a hurry to reach the local bar before cover charge.

  4. My peronsal favorite has to be:

    “’Do not use intimately.’ — On a tube of deodorant”

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