Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say

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I am no different than any other human being.

I have my likes and dislikes…my turn ons and turn offs. I possess certain idiosyncrasies that are, as the mere word implies, my own.

I like being me. I haven’t always been able to say that, but I can say that now.

I love my blog. Nay, I adore my blog. It has saved my life. This year was filled with so many disappointments…the death of my best friend….job loss….money woes….a nasty little health issue and of course, the loss of a very relevant relationship. But I survived each gut wrenching incident and I did so by being able to freely express how I felt without anyone judging me about content. Propriety should never be an issue when it comes to personal artistic expression.

I do love my blog but should it ever fall by the wayside (and let’s be realistic, all things must end) I would never start another one. Blogging–in my humble opinion–is something you should only do once and one time only.

You know…like being born, witnessing an execution and watching “The View”.

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The other day, I was visiting the lovely and talented Molly and her wonderful pre-marital blog (she’s marrying the dashing Michael next year). It is called, These Little Moments .

You should check it, you really should.

In a recent post, she listed several things that we would never hear her say and one of the voices in my head read them and then said, “Gee, that’s funny. Why don’t you steal the idea LK and put your ridiculous spin on the thing and cock it all up?”

To which I responded, out loud, “Yeah, sure. I can do that.”

So here you go…

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Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say

• Here, you finish this for me. I can’t eat another bite.

• I’ll pay you back. Promise.

• How do these jeans make my ass look?

• Noam Chomsky’s writing is just a little too Conservative for my tastes.

• Jim J. Bullock did amazing work on TV’s “Too Close For Comfort”. He was robbed…ROBBED of the Emmy!

• Why of course I’m a registered Democrat.

• I’m getting up an hour early so I can be the first to enter the gym the minute the lights go on. Spin Class…YIPPEE!!!!!!

• No please, Baby, let ME mow the grass today. It’s August in Houston and I adore sweating. You just sit there, relax in the cool comfort of air conditioning in our tastefully appointed den and read the latest, Jihadist Monthly.

• Mr. Vick, I’m looking for a good home for my beloved dog, Scraps.

• Let me pick up the tab. Really. Please…allow me.

• Mu’Ammar Qaddafi is so hot. Those Libyan bitches are lucky!!

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• I hate beer.

• I refuse to eat carbs.

• I hope Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nod and then the presidency. I think Bill will help guide her….especially when it comes to properly educating our children.

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• I’ve never eaten pot brownies.

• I’d kill to see “Boys To Men” in concert.

• Reverend Al Sharpton has done nothing to warrant an FBI probe.

• I’ll sure miss Ike Turner’s warm, kind and friendly smile. He was such a gentle man.

And the last that you’ll never hear me say…

• OK, but is there any actual “blowing” involved?

36 comments

  1. I’ve never realized just how much Qaddafi looks like Kinky Friendman on a bad day without his hat. Scary.

    Looks like you’re writing the notes for me now.

  2. Key, I had all that knowledge before Bill even came to our classroom. What I didn’t have was an outstanding variety of the ways to use the F word. Hillary cleared that up for me though.

  3. LK, this is hilarious… I might have to steal this idea on a rainy day. Our lists would look very similar though!

    I love beer. You will never hear the words “me”, “go”, and “spin class” come out of my mouth at the same time. I’m making a batch of pot brownies right NOW. And I work very hard to have something else “important” to do when it comes time to mow the lawn. Shhh… don’t tell Brian.

    Hmm … it occurs to me that all of those things are very closely related to my ass looking fat in my jeans. But I don’t care.

  4. Look at the expressions on the faces of the two kids seated between Bill and Hill. You should have a caption contest for that.

    “Just damn. Say, Mr. President. You’re right, them titties is bigger then may head”

  5. Here are a couple of mine–

    “Okay, today I really need to work all 8 hours and not go visit Laurie’s site and check my blog stats.” (ok–that sounded kind of brown-nosey so here is a better one)

    “Yes, I would love to go with you to the donkey show.”

  6. I HONEST TO GOD had a 40 year old friend, who, by the way has been married at least 15 years, ask me if you were supposed to “blow on it”. Seriously, she had never coughed up the noggin’ for the hubby. Some girls have all the luck!

  7. Oh Greggy…Greggy.

    How true! The incredibly improbable sentence of:

    “I LOVE Walton and Johnson because they’re the funniest things to hit Houston radio….EVER!!!”

    could never, would never TUMBLE forth from my lips even under penalty of torturous death which by the way, would consist of being forced to listen to those two rectal openings for ANY amount of time.

    LK

  8. Yes they are, but only after making a deal with the Devil, who’s obviously heading up “Kleer Channel” these days. They’re at kprc 950 on something called “radio mojo”. Obviously some noted thinker in a suit has read the book, “Friday Night Lights” once too often.

  9. Key – Yup! Open season on rug munching. Of course I had to ask. Like I say – some girls have ALL the luck!

    I’m sure he has outlasted you and 99.9% of men in the universe. This guy is a great guy, not some freak show. My bet is that he’s getting that need taken care of “elsewhere”.

  10. Yeah but Karmen, how sad is that? We owe it to our partners to try to satiate their sexual desires and dare I say, even their proclivities. For God’s sake, if she loved him she should at least learn the mechanics of a decent blow job and frankly, if he cared enough about her and their relationship he would’ve taken matters into his own hands (pun kind of intended) and instructed her on the ways and means of decent oral sex.

    Oral sex is the life blood of most relationship. It’s like the PRIMO first and second courses, leading up to the inter-course. If we love and respect our partners, we need to love and respect what “gets them off”.

    If my partner really liked something as strange and sexually unconventional as say…..armpit humping, well, if I loved him and really wanted a long, happy relationship with, you bet your ass I’d read up on it, then find him a hooker.

    LK

  11. Oral sex is definitely a hang-up of mine as in I get obsessed with giving it.

    And, LK, is there really any blowing involved? (insert smilie here)

    And how very selfless of you to research your man’s kinky obsessions and then pass them on to a poor woman who won’t know any better.

  12. My attempt at humor, Mars.

    But seriously, if I were involved with someone, I’d do my part to keep him happy.

    I would also employ everything I knew to ensure he’d keep me just as happy. Women need to be more aggressive– not just telling him what we need—we must DECLARE what we have to have sexually.

    Without that aggressive and assertive behavior, we’re mere joyless, penile punching bags who have no one else to blame but ourselves.

    LK

  13. My attempt at humor too.

    I agree that women need to play a bigger role in their own sexual satisfaction. That’s why I advocate women teaching their men. Simple instruction with some practical application can go a long way.

    Oh, and you can always blame the idiots that are too inept for any kind of instruction.

  14. good saturday morning, all. what a cold, grey, drizzly weekend ahead for us over here. it’s 5:48 and i’m going christmas shopping today. great fun!

  15. Laurie –

    You really are amazing. I’m sitting here wracking my brain trying to think of a line to add to your list that’s even half as funny. And, I’m coming up blank. You’ve reduced me to silence. I hope you’re happy.

  16. Hello LK.

    The old saying is, ” be a lady in public but, be a whore in the bedroom with the one you love”!

    PS Christina in Tomball says” Merry Christmas” and hello! We were talking about how we miss the Supernatural Saturday Night show. She’s very happy for you and your new man friend!

  17. Ooops, sorry LK, lame attempt at humor I guess.

    Since the post had gone off topic from “Things you’ll Never hear Me say” to oral sex, I threw in my two cents worth.

    Back on topic? OK then, here are a few things you’ll never hear me say:

    Hot water heater
    ATM machine
    So and so has turned up missing
    So and so was a former Vietnam Vet

  18. Who said anything about the post and oral sex? Gee, Dux….what you must be reading when you’re not at my blog, huh?????

    I was referring to cocaine and it’s “blow” street name, you dirty dog.

    Yeah, I see what you mean about turning up missing and being a former Vietnam Vet. I was always of the mindset that once a vet, always a vet.

    LK

    PS. OK yeah, you busted me. I was talking about oral sex.

  19. Cocaine and Oral Sex are not mutually exclusive. So the mystery continues, no?
    And is it me, or does Mu’Ammar look like he’s channeling the late Ike Turner in that picture?

  20. Kyle Cease (comedian) does something like this, about things you’ll never hear anyone else say, like “Let’s go to Alabama AGAIN,” or “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species II!”
    Your last one made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

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