Kosher Dating

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A friend of mine, sent this to me not long ago.

These are actual personal ads that have appeared in several different Israeli newspapers and they’re real, too–honest to Elijah!

I’m still disappointed that so few of my Gentile friends understand the comedy in these ads.

Feh–the funny is wasted on Goyim! It’s a shanda!!

Oy.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Shmuel Gabbai, 36.
I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night.

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Couch potato latke in search
of the right applesauce.
Let’s try it for 8 days.
Who knows?

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Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul
light shabbos candles,
celebrate holidays,
build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs –
Religion not important.

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Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia,
Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar b’Tammuz. Completely kosher
Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman.

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Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons.
No baggage.
No personality.

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Female graduate student,
studying kaballah, Zohar,
exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch.
No weirdos, please.

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Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

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Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made, looking for girl
whose father will hire me.

16 comments

  1. Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs –
    Religion not important.

    Clever!

  2. Hey, hope you are feeling better-are you still hacking? This time of year is not fun with the crud hanging on like that. It’s nice to know that you were missed-but everone needs some time off. Gosh, I really don’t want to go to work today. It’s cold and rainy this morning-just want to curl up in a blanket and drink coffee or whatever. K

  3. bet you won’t be eating fishsticks no more. i’m not a fish lover. lobster, shrimp and king crab will i eat. cat fish, trout, mahi mahi, etc, i can’t stomach.

    glad to hear your son is feeling better. i remember the kids crying when they threw up because when they’re that young, they don’t understand the concept of the stomach coming up through the mouth and it scares them.

  4. That reminds me of everyone I knew in Boca Raton! God Bless them, they were funny to watch in the supermarket.

  5. Kathy,

    If King Kong had diarrhea and let some loose on a guy who’d broken both of his arms and legs PLUS he had the worst intestinal flu known to man, a severe migraine, a tooth ache, pink eye and inexplicable testicular swelling AND he’d just been left at the altar by the absolute love of his life, simply because his business failed and he went bankrupt and didn’t have a proverbial pot to pee in———that armless/legless schlub would still feel 100-percent better than I do at this very minute.

    LK

  6. I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling under the weather. I heard if you take some honey and lemon as cough remedy, it helps with coughing. I used to add alittle bit of whiskey too. But, you get well soon!

  7. I’m so glad that I don’t have much of a problem with cedar pollen. I spent the weekend at my place near Junction where, like ever other place on the Edward’s Plateau, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting fifty of the nasty little mountain cedars. About.com had a list of things to do that were ever so helpful: Stay indoors, get rid of cedars, use the A/C. What wasn’t mentioned is that you can go get a shot from your allergist that will help in about 75% of the cases. If you’re in the 25% of suckers that can’t be helped I guess you have to go hang out in Louisiana every December. Or you could modify Christine’s advice and put a tough of honey and lemon in a bottle of whiskey and just self-medicate yourself into a blissful coma, er, sleep.

  8. laurie, after you left i got an upsetting call from charlotte. she said you didn’t leave a phone number where she could contact you if she needed anything. she hunted me down by calling 411. since she couldn’t get you, she prostituted herself for food and water.

  9. to those of you who does not know who charlotte is, it’s laurie’s cat. a beautiful, FULL, feline who loves laurie unconditionally.

  10. This is so weird–I walked outside and suddenly King Kong had diarrhea on me which caused me to fall and break both of mys arms and legs PLUS I just contracted the worst intestinal flu known to man, a severe migraine, a tooth ache, pink eye and inexplicable testicular swelling AND to top it off, I was just left at the altar by the absolute love of my life, simply because my business failed and I went bankrupt and don’t have a proverbial pot to pee in, and yet, I seem to feel better than Laurie. 😉

  11. poor murphy. when some people have bad days, they have BAD days. hope tomorrow is better for you.

    laurie sounds worse than brenda vacarro and suzanne pleshette combined plus she’s having to return to houston feeling terrible. if she feels like it, she might be on tonight.

  12. I just talked to LK and all I can say is that I pray those Houston people get out of her way cause she is on her way back home! She does sound horrible. She went from 0 to 100 in just a couple of days. Actually, she started feeling worse while in Austin. Hope she gets better….It’s not fun at all being sick away from home. Any docs out there???????No keywad, I didn’t say anybody wanna play dr.??????

  13. ROTFLMAO!

    Oh that was good Ms. Kendrick!

    **you wrote this on the flu? You should be stinking rich girlfriend – you are incredibly gifted.

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