Books We’d Love To See

The Prime Minister loves books.

He boasts that his personal library includes well over 11-hundred books..all of which he claims to have read cover-to-cover.

When we first met, he asked me how vast my library was. I told him I had a few shelves worth and that warranted a follow up query which was posed with some indignation. He asked, “What? Don’t you read?”

I replied sarcastically, “No. I’m a tough old broad and I usually just stare down a book until it relents and gives me the info I want!”

He and I have two vastly different tastes and preferences when it comes to books and their subject matter. For kicks, he reads stuff like, “Democratizing Global Politics: Discourse, Norms, International Regimes and Political Continuity”.

The other day he said he wanted to get in some “light reading”. On his desk I found a copy of “Patriotism and Proletarian Internationalism”, authored by that well-known comedic genius and master of altruistic irony, the madcap Ho Chi Minh.

As for me? I like much shorter, far less complicated prose. Leaflets, really. For example: something easy, short and esoteric like “Famous Black Jewish Sports Legends Living in Northern Wyoming During the Carter Administration”.

I have, on more than one occasion, wondered out loud if two people with such disparate tastes in reading material can ever really get along? Things like this bother me. I care about this relationship, so I asked a learned friend of mine for her honest opinion.

She replied, ” Laurie, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Laurie, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your question”.

So, I dropped it.

But I was intrigued by the notion of books; namely those we’d really like to see published someday. So, in the tradition of Mad Magazine, I’ve listed a few I’d like to read and I’ve assembled them here, for your bemusement.

• AMELIA EARHARDT’S HANDY GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

• ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen Degeneres

• MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS AND GET BACK MY STOLEN SPORTS MEMORABILIA AND OTHER SHIT by O.J. Simpson

• THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

• MY LIFE AS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SMART STUFF by Anna Nicole Smith; published posthumously. Forward by Normal Mailer

• BACK ROADS AND BRIDGES OF CHAPPAQUIDDICK by Ted Kennedy

• OUR CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES AND HOW THEY RELATE TO OUR CONTRIBUTIONS IN REBUILDING NEW ORLEANS IN THE POST KATRINA YEARS by Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

• MY THOUGHTS ON MORALITY AND STAIN REMOVAL by Bill Clinton

• TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL CLINTON by Hillary Clinton with an introduction by Paula Jones

• FUN WITH KIDNEY DIALYSIS AS LONG AS THE PROCESS DOESN’T INVOLVE ANY PESKY JEW DOCTORS by Osama bin Laden

• THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Warren Buffet

• TIPPER’S HUGE ASS: THE OTHER INCONVENIENT TRUTH by Al Gore

• WHY I JUST ADORE THE MILITARY/INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX by AL Franken

• CHER, FABIO AND MADONNA: THREE IDIOTS WITH WHOM I AM NOT ON A FIRST NAME BASIS by Laurie Kendrick

• PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK I LOOK LIKE ESTELLE GETTY AS TV’S SOPHIA PETRILLO FROM “THE GOLDEN GIRLS” by Harry Reid

harry3.jpg . .sophia1.jpg

• A COMPLETE LIST OF MEN I’VE BLOWN TO FURTHER MY MEDIOCRE CAREER AND THANKS TO MY PREHENSILE TONGUE, I WORK STEADILY by Linsday Lohan.

• YEP, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! WE’RE BUSTED, DUDE! WE WERE SO TOTALLY BEHIND 9/11, YO! by Israeli President, Shimon Peres

• WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MILITARY STRATEGY AND ARMED CONFLICT RESOLUTION (MINI POST IT NOTES EDITION WITH MATCHING PEN) by Nancy Pelosi

.

9 comments

  1. Great titles. I’d like to read some of these myself.

    Thank you, Laurie, for adding “Necessary Therapy” to your blogroll. It really means a lot to me.

  2. Laurie, you worked overtime on this one-how funny! I hope to one day see prime’s infamous library. Maybe I can see it this spring. I can see it now. This beautifully decorated masculine library with shelves from floor to ceiling(wrapped around the entire room) filled with PM’s wonderful books and your little pantry sized closet with two shelves lined with yours!! That’s OK-my books are in a small three shelved bookcase. There might not be a lot but I love each one of them. Needless to say, it will be a pleasure meeting the Prime Minister of the House of Laurie soon.

  3. what would pm think and say if he ever saw my massive mountain of sleazy, slutty romance novels? he would keel over, no doubt!

  4. HEHEEHEHEHEHEH! I think it’s the sleezy paperback versions that would wouldn’t make an impression( or a bad impression) Do you have any of these masterpieces in hardback??????That does make a difference, you know!!

  5. I’m not going to attempt to say anything clever because this post is just plain hillarious–anything I say will simply diminish it. Thanks for the laugh this am.

  6. Not only that-PM she snores like an old fart. I’ll admit that possibly it was also because of her congestion but there were several times Karol and I had to hold ourselves back from smothering her with our pillows. Oh, and by the way SHE had her own bed, Karol and I had to share one-a hard, too small one to say the least. We laughed and lounged the whole time. Laurie will be back to normal (?) soon. I had to return home as someone around here has to go to work. We missed you Keypottie-you too Murphy. We talked to PM on the phone. If you are reading this blog anymore, Nate we miss you, too.

  7. Here are some children’s book titles you will likely NEVER see:

    “You Were an Accident”

    “You Are Different and That’s Bad”

    “The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables”

    “Dad’s New Wife Robert”

    “Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share”

    “Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”

    “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”

    “That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption”

    “Grandpa Gets a Casket”

    “The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”

    “Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”

    “Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games”

    “Your Nightmares Are Real”

    “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

    “Strangers Have the Best Candy”

    “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer – Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”

    “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”

    “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”

    “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”

    “Bi-Curious George”

    “The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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