The Prime Minister loves books.
He boasts that his personal library includes well over 11-hundred books..all of which he claims to have read cover-to-cover.
When we first met, he asked me how vast my library was. I told him I had a few shelves worth and that warranted a follow up query which was posed with some indignation. He asked, “What? Don’t you read?”
I replied sarcastically, “No. I’m a tough old broad and I usually just stare down a book until it relents and gives me the info I want!”
He and I have two vastly different tastes and preferences when it comes to books and their subject matter. For kicks, he reads stuff like, “Democratizing Global Politics: Discourse, Norms, International Regimes and Political Continuity”.
The other day he said he wanted to get in some “light reading”. On his desk I found a copy of “Patriotism and Proletarian Internationalism”, authored by that well-known comedic genius and master of altruistic irony, the madcap Ho Chi Minh.
As for me? I like much shorter, far less complicated prose. Leaflets, really. For example: something easy, short and esoteric like “Famous Black Jewish Sports Legends Living in Northern Wyoming During the Carter Administration”.
I have, on more than one occasion, wondered out loud if two people with such disparate tastes in reading material can ever really get along? Things like this bother me. I care about this relationship, so I asked a learned friend of mine for her honest opinion.
She replied, ” Laurie, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Laurie, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your question”.
So, I dropped it.
But I was intrigued by the notion of books; namely those we’d really like to see published someday. So, in the tradition of Mad Magazine, I’ve listed a few I’d like to read and I’ve assembled them here, for your bemusement.
• AMELIA EARHARDT’S HANDY GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
• ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen Degeneres
• MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS AND GET BACK MY STOLEN SPORTS MEMORABILIA AND OTHER SHIT by O.J. Simpson
• THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
• MY LIFE AS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SMART STUFF by Anna Nicole Smith; published posthumously. Forward by Normal Mailer
• BACK ROADS AND BRIDGES OF CHAPPAQUIDDICK by Ted Kennedy
• OUR CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES AND HOW THEY RELATE TO OUR CONTRIBUTIONS IN REBUILDING NEW ORLEANS IN THE POST KATRINA YEARS by Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
• MY THOUGHTS ON MORALITY AND STAIN REMOVAL by Bill Clinton
• TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL CLINTON by Hillary Clinton with an introduction by Paula Jones
• FUN WITH KIDNEY DIALYSIS AS LONG AS THE PROCESS DOESN’T INVOLVE ANY PESKY JEW DOCTORS by Osama bin Laden
• THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Warren Buffet
• TIPPER’S HUGE ASS: THE OTHER INCONVENIENT TRUTH by Al Gore
• WHY I JUST ADORE THE MILITARY/INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX by AL Franken
• CHER, FABIO AND MADONNA: THREE IDIOTS WITH WHOM I AM NOT ON A FIRST NAME BASIS by Laurie Kendrick
• PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK I LOOK LIKE ESTELLE GETTY AS TV’S SOPHIA PETRILLO FROM “THE GOLDEN GIRLS” by Harry Reid
• A COMPLETE LIST OF MEN I’VE BLOWN TO FURTHER MY MEDIOCRE CAREER AND THANKS TO MY PREHENSILE TONGUE, I WORK STEADILY by Linsday Lohan.
• YEP, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! WE’RE BUSTED, DUDE! WE WERE SO TOTALLY BEHIND 9/11, YO! by Israeli President, Shimon Peres
• WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MILITARY STRATEGY AND ARMED CONFLICT RESOLUTION (MINI POST IT NOTES EDITION WITH MATCHING PEN) by Nancy Pelosi