My Covenant With You

“Covenant”  by Juliette Aristides

Contract law.

Not the kind that exists in corporate America OR the brand that often tips the scales held proudly by Blind Justice. I’m talking about the contracts we unwittingly make everyday with other hominids. Especially the contract we enter regarding relationships; those one-on-one things that signify all that’s right in relationships….


And all that’s wrong…


Two sentient, rational thinking adults understand that the giddy, wonderful, endorphin producing feelings of the first few weeks.. months…years (if you’re really lucky) are soon replaced with reality.

Reality doesn’t look the same, nor does it feel the same. But it changes couples and it’s up to the couple to be flexible enough to change with it.

In the beginning, we’re all a twitter. Oooooh, shared carnality, which has it’s own language, spoken in sensual whispers by two people who feel it to the core.

Sex is frequent and ubiquitous. In the front yard, car, the kitchen…the dining room table….. by the dumpster behind the Stop-N-Shop. It’ll be exciting because we are excited. Love has sprung a leak. It is substantial.

We back that up by always looking our best. You shave closer and I guess, so do I. You groom your hair more carefully; I actually apply make-up with the precise artistry of Emmet Kelly.

We still hold our stomachs in while we’re around each other.

And then, we turn “that corner”; the one that in time, every relationship approaches.

There’s morning breath. Dreaded morning breath with it’s nasty, “slice and bake” density. The kind that a dragon produces…..

…..and uses to incinerate everything in its path.

There will be evenings when we’re too tired to even count to six, much less have sex. I’ll make spaghetti that’ll taste the way feet smell and you’ll make stinkies in the bathroom.

We’ll try to pretend not to notice, but our gagging will be indicators too obvious to ignore.

Oh yes, things change. Suddenly, the glamor of us wears off and our pretty, new luster is gone. We’ll become very real in our eyes.

Very real…and very flawed.

Suddenly, we’ll start noticing things that our “love goggles” once obscured .

You’ll one day focus on this long hair thing that I have Rapunzelling off my chin.

I’ll obsess over a skin tag on your neck that to me, looks a lot like Fred Thompson, (R) Tennessee.

Cursed familiarity and it’s damned ability to breed contempt—-BUT ONLY IF—we let it.

That’s why I’m presenting you with a covenant, Sire. This is my way of conveying to you and reassuring you that I fully intend to be a willing participant in roughly 47-percent of that which we share in this relationship.

Sure, I’m authoring it and yes, it’s one-sided, but you can always use this against me as a point of jihad at one of our more rancorous Kendrick family reunions–or as we call them: Tikrit with potato salad.



  • I will always consider your feelings. I will put you first where applicable. For example: I’ll ask you what you want for lunch or dinner…except on those occasions when you’re buying.  Breakfast?  Fend for yourself.
  • I vow to be covert with regard to all the secret things that I will surreptitiously do behind your back.
  • I will try to get along with you at all costs. I will celebrate our differences and revel in what we have in common and will make every effort to increase said commonality. I will start with my vow to eradicate the toilet seat up/down mishegas. With that said, I will make this concession: I will learn to pee standing up,**IF** you’ll learn to pee sitting down.
  • I will NEVER ask you your thoughts about love and relationships. Why? You certainly don’t know any more than I do.
  • I will rarely ever color in the lines you’ve drawn for me.
  • I will forgive you for being imperfect and more importantly, I will forgive myself for being equally flawed.
  • No matter what happens, we’ll have one thing in common: We’ll both always love you.
  • When Copernicus calls to insist that you are NOT in fact, the center of the universe, I will defend you by not agreeing with him…for at least an hour after he hangs up.
  • I will never, ever be of the ridiculous mindset that you “complete me”. Instead, I will always believe that you contribute to me.
  • I will try my best to be your friend first and foremost. I won’t always be successful at this and make no mistake–I will make mistakes. I will probably fudge the truth on several occasions. I’ll annoy you, infuriate you with my stubbornness and there will be times when you’ll completely understand why some people premeditate murder. It is likely that I’ll whine from time to time; get in a nagging needle or two regarding your work schedule. I’ll make your crazy when I lapse into “a mood” every once in a while. I will perfectly exemplify my imperfection. But I promise that I will work with you in order to work together. You have my word that I will try. We will have many common objectives. Reaching them won’t be easy, but then again, we do better when the odds are against us. Speaking of odd, you already know my family, right?
  • Lastly;  I am a grown up; responsible and self-sufficient. I do not expect you to rescue me or come to my aid every time I struggle. I am a smart, mature woman….but a woman nevertheless. I NEED to know I matter. And if your ego demands that you prove this every once in a while, by instilling in you a need to slay a metaphorical dragon or two, far be it from me to obviate your gender’s natural order which is of course, hardwired in that rather fetching little fuse box I call your head.

All I ask is that you please refrain from the inherent urge to kill the next time I kiss you with dragon breath.


Signed on this Day, November 29th, 2007

I remain,


  1. “I vow to be covert about all the secret things I will do surreptitiously behind your back.”

    The number one thing: Don’t criticize behind his back. Ever. Talk about it to him. If he finds out you’re talking trash (and it always gets around), it’s over. You may stay together another 30 years, but it’s over. From then on, you’re just paying bills and masturbating each other; all the disappearing into each other stuff, well, disappears.

  2. I got to your site through Rick and just wanted to tell you I absolutely love this and plan to share it. I especially like the tenth point. Good stuff!

  3. Wonderful Laurie…..

    When I read the line about completion and contributing, it really dawned on me that all those years together have “contributed to make me complete”. If we can only look at the events or situations we find detrimental at the time. Otherwise, we lose out on the opportunity to see how we develop. I’m at the point in my life where I can say that all the things you mentioned and most of the tragic details I personally have weathered, have indeed made me who I am right now.

    I think he loves me more for that, too—-he just hasn’t realized it yet! That will have to wait until our next analytical session that he hates so much.

    What’s with you men??????

  4. Yes dear. Of course, dear.

    LK has spoken.

    Now she shall pay.

    Alvin and the Chipmunks in a 24 hour loop till Arbor Day.

  5. Well, damn, Kendrick. Just chew gum. Duh. 99% of your problems solved right there.

    You keep messing around like this and you are going to get on my bloglist…

  6. Laurie, seeing your demands to the Prime man makes me think that I have become a little pushy myself. I never gave orders before and now I find myself with pad and pen and practically a whistle around my neck. Can’t believe I am turning into one of “those”. Not really….just ask WD.

  7. Absolutely beautiful image on top. A very thoughtful, heart-felt covenant. You must really love your wo/man.

  8. Pete wrote: “You must really love your wo/man”.

    Gee, not sure what you’re implying here, but I’ll tell you this: I might write like Alice B, Toklas and/or Gertrude Stein but I don’t love like them.

    I like my “wo/men” with penises and the kind of facial hair caused by far more testosterone than my little bait shack can muster. But I thank you for your purported ambiguity.

  9. Happy to hear it, LK. Sounds like you’ve got your head on straight and all your body parts in working order. May it always be so.

  10. thought i would stop in and say hello. my, laurie, you and your readers have been busy since i’ve been gone. i was actually held captive by my dog in a hotel room for two days.

    bottom line for me: if i weren’t married to the man i’m married to now, i would be married to someone else. marriage was in the cards for me. but! if something were to happen between us i don’t think i could do it again. too much trouble and there’s always one giving 80%. i’ve been with my husband for 30 years and he will be with me unless he walks or one of us passes on.

  11. Happy Birthday, Kathy!

    Ah, to be 39… Wonderful!

    Here’s the deal. May all the things you wish for yourself on this day be realized. Which is a nice of saying hit the Luby’s Buffet without any guilt.

    By the way, AARP called and said they will take you off their mailing list for the next ten years.

    I’d love to stay and chat longer but I’m having lunch with Jeff Goldblum, Ryan Stiles and Danny Devito.

  12. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you!!!!!!!!! And my you don’t look a day over 21! I hope your day was wonderful!!!!

  13. I’m not sure when we allowed ourselves to become object d’ art for men. But I know how it happened and why. Horrible isn’t it, to face childhood traumas as an adult and to feel just as powerless about our ability to rectify them as we did almost 50 years ago.

    But I think we’ve all made great strides. I know that I have. The word “WELCOME” that Mater so carefully engraved on our backs decades ago, must be removed immediately, if not sooner.

    As for other pressing matters of a sororal nature, Kathy and I had a long talk last night. We agree that change is in the air. With regard to NCK especially. I get the feeling that all problems will be rectified and ALL questions answered within two years. Kathy agrees.

    But everything comes with a price, Sisters. Even certain prices have price tags.


    Anyway, I feel certain that one year from today will be very different indeed—three women in much different scenarios. Certainly, I mean that in a spiritual vein for all three of us. But I don’t think the changes will stop there.


    I think of what life will be like this time next year and frankly, my head spins.

    It excites me. Sadly, oddly, though perhaps, not unexpectedly, I mean that—–even with the price tag attached.

  14. I love the brutal truth of this covenant. I’d eventually love to find someone who could be this self-assured and honest with me. Now, did you get PM to sign as the understanding and agreeing party?

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