As ya’ll know, I’m taking a brief respite this week.
Too much drama.
And if that isn’t bad enough, I’m running low on crap to write and I’m not feeling my best. I’ve the worst insomnia, I’m tired, cranky and I’m crying over tampon commercials. I still can’t shake that funky pine taste that my t-buds are assigning every morsel I shove in the old pie hole.
Wanna hear the latest malady???
I’ve got inexplicable perspiration. Parts of my body that shouldn’t have sweat glands are now sweating profusely. And my body is emitting sweaty weirdness. Is sweat supposed to ball up on touch? Because I think I’m sweating mercury.
But that’s not the worst of it—my sciatica is killing me, I can’t sit for extended periods, rent in Boca Raton is now through the roof and my son never calls me.
My God, I’m old and I’m Jewish!!!
Before I sit shiva for my youth, I wanted to come up with a much better post before I completely go underground in the next several days.
So, I went to YoYo Dyne….the talented, Rachael Black’s site (of the Reno Blacks) to see what she was up to and on one of her latest posts, she had answered 50 interesting questions. So, I stole said questions. I have no idea what they’re about nor do I care. I need content and I’m too tired to give a shit.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
- Bill Tucker. He’s my accountant. I hate that greedy son of a bitch.
2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
- Third trimester; en utero
3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
- Yeah, after I took that “unfortunate tumble” off my bike, my piece of shit Schwinn 10-speed never called. Bikestard!!!!!
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
- I would never have ever gotten involved with a particular male individual. He is and always will be my biggest regret.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
- Mrs. Doris Garner
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
- I really want to be in a position to explore the use of new personal pronouns in my life…such as “ours, us and we”. I’d like to explore these possibilities while all cozied up somewhere with the man of my dreams and our dogs in our comfy, warm mountain accessible home, where on those rare occasions when I’m not perfectly embodying the metaphor of “being in love”, I’m writing the ASS out of comedy.
7. What did you want to do when you were growing up?
- I’ve always wanted to finish in dead last place in the 2007 Weblog Awards in the “Funniest Blog” category. Mission fucking accomplished.
8. How many colleges did you attend?
- Five. Yeah, I was an educational drifter.
9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
- It stunk less than the other shirts piled high atop Mount Laundry.
10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
- “Damn!!! Gas prices are high!!”
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
- Seville, Spain…Estes Park, Colorado, Montreal or I’d make a fabulous homestead deep in the Texas Hill Country. Sometimes, the Hills call me like a siren. It feels like home there. Freshwater streams and arroyos. Bluffs that over look crystal clear rivers. Indian country. Ceder and Mesquite. I am home in the Hills.
I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
- I haven’t slept since 2003. I would commit heinous crimes to be awakened by the harsh, discordant sound of my alarm
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
- I didn’t fall asleep but I remember feeling down around by my side and thinking, “Is that a pillow or my left one?”
14. Favorite underwear?
- My jock
15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
- Despite their pedantic pleas to the contrary, men are so very easily played.
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
- Anything remotely involving housework
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
- Yes and I do. Once a month.
18. Get up early or sleep in?
- How about “never sleep”? On those rare occasions when I actually get some shut eye, I am a ridiculously early riser.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
- Gossamer, the big, orange tooth-shaped, Chuck Taylor High-Tops wearing monster on Bugs Bunny
- Witch Hazel, the cute little brujita, also from Bugs Bunny. Every time she moved, bobby pins fell out of her hair.
- and Ralph Bakshi’s “Mighty Mouse”….HILARIOUS!!!
20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy or a girl?
- I love to cuddle in bed, soft kisses are exchanged. Laughing is a must. There must always be laughter. There must also be a mutual exchange of love. I want to say “I love you” and must hear it said back to me. Oh yeah— it’s fun with guys, too!
21. Have you found real love yet?
- Interesting question. I thought I knew real love once. I was just a kid then but it was very real. At least, if felt that way. As for now? Everything I feel now can only be classified as a deep abiding affection. Or infection. Either way, it’s curability is in doubt.
22. When did you first start feeling old?
- At 45, my body really began to creek involuntarily. I learned that biology was in fact, a cruel, cruel physical mistress.
24.. Your favorite lunch meat?
- That would be meats…plural. Ham and turkey
25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
- Hives. Went with my sister once. I was underwhelmed.
26. Beach or lake?
- I’ll go with a lake 90-percent of the time but I do love deserted beaches on cold, dark afternoons
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
- Amazingly enough, no.
28. Do you own property?
- Do migrant workers count?
29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
- The video of my proctological scope exam. Set design was horrible and the landscape scenes I hear, were pretty gross. Costuming was shitty and a rectal fissure was completely miscast as a polyp. Lighting was abysmal and there wasn’t enough “B Roll” used, either.
31. What’s your drink?
- Ice cold beer makes me smile. A good Pinot Grigio is fine too and when the spirit hits me, there’s nothing like Dewars and soda.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
- Neither, give me a Yap Islander any day.
33. Cops or Robbers?
- Ponzi Schemers
34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
- No one. I’m still close to those who mattered.
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
- KHMX (MIX 96.5)
36. Norm or Cliff?
37. Grey’s or The Office?
- The Office, I guess though I’ve only seen a few minutes of it. Never seen Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t have to; I read the book. (Anyone? Anyone??? Any med students out there?? My God, I’m ALL alone!)
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
- No need to name names. I know who he is and so does he. We share a mutual regret. That’s all that matters. It’s dead. Buried. Never to be brought up again for fear of rampant skin necrosis.
39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
- I work solo.
40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
- Steven Colbert, but he’d have to cover up those damn weird elfin ears of his
41. Indoors or Outdoors?
42,. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
- I had a minor fender-bender in which I was at fault. This was years ago.
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
- Why yes, of course, silly!! How do you think I know dinner is ready???
44. Last book you read?
- I seriously can’t remember. I don’t even reconcile my checkbook. I bank intuitively. I like risk, I like to gamble. You know, I’m an “edge-liver”. I go up to an ATM machine and expect to see all cherries appear on the screen when I play.
45. Do you have a teddy bear?
- Yes, but he lives out of state
64. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
- You’re presuming a lot, aren’t you??
47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
- To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Cali. If I had to go anywhere, it would be Northern California
48. Do you go to church?
- Do I go to services regularly? No, but I have gone (quite recently) to meditate and say “thanks” for certain things. Sometimes, it’s all about the gratitude.
49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
- A new relationship. Especially with myself
50. How old are you?
- I’m a very sun-damaged 24.
(My thanks to the lovely and talented Yo-Yo Dyne.)