The REAL Gross National Product


Hi Kids,

Hate to break this to you, but we are a nation of hygienically challenged sloths. Oh yeah, it’s true!!! We, as a people, are just as nasty and vile as the day is long.


As they used to say in the Sixties, I’m about to lay some facts on you, man and you will NOT like what you read.

Because…. well, let me put it this way—there’s a pizza with a pubic hair lying perilously close to the pepperoni and it’s got YOUR name on it.

And it just gets worse.

I don’t know where these facts came from, but they’re so gross they have to be legit.

Read on…. if you dare.

  • During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. (That’s about 2.5 ounces)
  • In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with things that 15 hands that didn’t wash after using the restroom (I’m talking about things such as door handles, stair railings, elevator buttons, shopping carts, etc.)
  • An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
  • In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects— while you slept! This includes insect pubic hairs, too!
  • Now here’s where it REALLY gets gross!!!

  • On a daily basis, you will breath in one liter of other peoples’ anal gases. Human methane exists everywhere, especially in crowded malls. (Sounds of coughing of tens of people walking behind LK in the mall)
  • At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. (Sounds of LK refilling Acyclovir prescription at Walgreen’s)
  • In your lifetime, 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket when you weren’t home. Especially women’s clothes hampers (Sounds of frantic workmen gagging in LK’s bathroom)
  • Annually, you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. (Sounds of frantic hand-washing in LK’s bathroom)
  • Annually, you will shake hands with 26-men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. The majority of these men also fail to clean “themselves” (genitals) properly afterwards. This moisture, in combination with the snug conditions of underwear and pants can results in major germ and bacteria production (Sounds of frantic gargling coming from LK’s bathroom)I


  1. Laurie, I take it that thee stats are just that and not from your life experiences. Especially the last one or was that the reason of your most relationship breakups?

    OMG-just the thought grosses me out! I keep GermX in every room at my house cause you never know when you may need it. Gases, slime, crap, and other gagging kinds of stuff (so gag reflex in these girls) Let’s change the subject!

    PM for your endurance, you’ve now been ordained “Pope”.

  2. Listen,Finilarko, I gave birth to two boys and two girls and I will testify that their doo doo (How do you say poop in Finnish?)diapers were much more vile than my girl babies were. This is the truth and I am sticking to it. My boys could clear a room in 5 sec. and the weird thing about it is that all the guys would remain there and the girls (including myself) would scatter and they were soooooooo proud! Sick!

  3. I sense we will be discussing bathroom humor as Nonie would put it. Has Larko been introduced to Nonie, Laurie?

  4. Kathy, I would love to present my evidence but since it would require disclosure of a privileged source I just stipulate that I have evidence without presenting it. I am going to take the fifth while exercising the first.

    Laurie, is “a gifted journalist” another way of saying “the village drunkie”?

  5. As it happens, the conference I am going to attend does not open until Monday morning but I have to travel tomorrow. So a wet dinner is scheduled for tomorrow with three friends, two of them also “gifted journalists”.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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