The Crisper


It is apartment 3-B and the name on the lease reads, Mrs. Winifred Cuthbert.

Winnie, as she’s known to friends and family, is a dowager. A widow, entitled as such back in 1974 when her husband of 17 years ran off with his much younger secretary. Ever the prideful woman, Winnie can’t admit she’s divorced. She even went so far as to purchase a lovely little urn to convince visitors of her widowhood. She keeps it on the mantle near a picture of her beloved Alfred. What’s in the urn? A bent paper clip, matchbook and the silica-like contents of two Etch-A-Sketches.

Winnie is nothing if not thorough in ALL her ruses.

But the gist of this post, Dear Reader, isn’t about Winnie, her pride or her failed marriage. It’s about her refrigerator. It’s an old, two door model—now approaching 18 years of dutiful service in Winnie’s kitchen. It shimmies and shakes constantly and has been on it’s last leg now for 12 of those years, but because it was the last purchase she and Alfred made as husband and wife, Winnie can’t part with it. And if she knew what happened in her refrigerator every night, she’d never, ever want to part with it.

You see, Winnie’s Amana is a magic refrigerator.

Late at night, incredible things happen throughout the fridge, especially in the vegetable crisper drawer.


Our story takes place circa January, 2003.

There’s a cucumber, an onion (which by the way, has been voted Head Veggie), a carrot, a small jar of minced garlic, a half a head of lettuce and a squash and on this particular night, they’re discussing the current politically charged climate inside the old Amana.

Things are very tense.

Let’s follow along:

CARROT: OK everyone! Everyone!!! Please take your places here in the drawer. Let’s begin tonight’s State of the Onion address.

ONION: Thanks carrot…and welcome all veggies. Tonight, the topic I’ll be discussing might be alarming and frightening to some of you. It would seem that the very peace of this great refrigerator nation of ours is in great jeopardy. Right now, we’re safe in the confines of our crisper drawer, but one drawer over– in Meats and Deli, an evil foe is threatening our very existence. Intelligence indicates that tyrannical dictator, Salami Hussein has already killed countless curds.

GARLIC: Mr. Onion, you….you can’t mean…not the Cottage Cheese? I just spoke with him last week. How tragic! His expiration date wasn’t up for days!!!

ONION: Indeed. We also have reports that Salami committed this heinous crime using weapons of mash destruction–namely French’s Mustard Gas. My fellow Crispericans, we have a big problem and it needs our immediate attention. Salami Hussein will not be happy until he takes over the entire refrigerator. Intelligence has also revealed that he and his well armed militia are moving north…to the freezer. I’m afraid we have no choice but to go to war in Ice Rack.

CUCUMBER: But Mr. Onion! How can we do that without consent of the other residents and inhabitants of this refrigerator? We’ll need approval before we can go in. Besides, our detractors will just say we’re invading for the Freon.

ONION: Be that as it may, Cucumber, but do you want to take that chance? Do you want to risk the safety of your wife and your little gherkins? I’m sorry, but this is a very big dill! Someone please get me my Security Adviser, Condoleeza Minute Rice.

(There’s a knock on the drawer; enter Condoleeza Minute Rice)

RICE: Good evening, Mr. Onion. I have the status reports from our Allies regarding Ice Rack.

ONION: Very good, Condi. You OK? You look a little grainy.

RICE: I’m fine Sir. The meeting was in the pantry and it was very hot, so I’m clumping a bit, but I think you’ll be most interested in how our Allies are feeling about the situation in the Middle Yeast.

ONION: Let’s hear it!

RICE: Well, we had a productive meeting, Sir. Of course the English Muffins support any and everything we choose to do. No problem there. The German Prime Minister, Helmut Cole-Slaw isn’t happy and will order sanctions against us if we go into Ice Rack and of course, the French Fries won’t commit.

ONION: What did they say?

RICE: Well actually, nothing Sir. They refused to talk and instead, just retreated back into their resealable box.

ONION: Dammit! I knew this would happen. Condi, this won’t be a popular decision, but I think we’re gonna have to go into to Ice Rack with or without the support of our Allies. Once there, our goal should to take down the top evil-doers—I want Salami and his henchman, Abu Musab al-Zucchini caught….dead or alive.

RICE: Consider it done, Sir. We have reports that both terrorists are hiding out in the Ice Rackian capital.

ONION: You mean Freezer Baghdad?

RICE: Yes Sir.

ONION: Very well. Let’s call a special session of the Drawer tomorrow and discuss our plans. Let’s contact all members of the Spice Cabinet and the Joint Cheese of Staff. And find me Donald Rumcake and my where in the hell is my Vice-Onion? I haven’t seen him all day.

SQUASH: He wasn’t feeling well, Sir. He was experiencing chest pains, so he checked himself into the Mayo Clinic.

ONION: The one in Minnesota?

SQUASH: No Sir, the jar in the refrigerator door.

LETTUCE: Sir, how will we attack Freezer Baghdad and the other hostile parts of Ice Rack, such as the Sunni Delight Triangle?

GARLIC: Should we consider blasting them with the MOABB, Sir?

SQUASH: The Mother of All Bon-Bons?

ONION: No, we’ll start with conventional condiments and a salt them that way. Then, we’ll pull out the big guns. We’ll thaw Ice Rack in such a way, the world will know that it can’t kick around Crispericans anymore. We’ll use microwaves.

GARLIC: Sir, you don”t mean……?

ONION: Yep! We’re gonna go nukular on their ice.

© Laurie Kendrick (Parts of this post have been previously published, so there!)


  1. Laurie…my fellow Texan and fellow caboose on the weblog train. I like your blog! Made me laugh out loud!
    The two in the lead sure didn’t!

  2. The real problem in the Middle Yeast is that its philosophies seem to infect every crack and crevice of our well-being.

    I suggest the Onion use an IBM (Intervaginal Blast of Monistat). That ought to take care of it in 1-7 days depending on the size of the bomb.

  3. Olive North would suggest that a little Xenical and some olive oil would blow all of the problems right out of the middle yeast.

    Excellent as always M. Kendrick!

  4. Umm, tell me you just traded in your car at the dealership. You went there and said, “yeah, you don’t need to look inside it. It’s fine . . .” Then you turned over the deed, and got into your new car and left. Then, later they went to your car to tidy it up for the next owner, and they must have got the shock of their life.

    HI-LARIOUS. Loved your disgusting tale of torque and pressure.

  5. Laur, I know y’all want to get voted as funniest blogster and all – but is this the time to be running a “Best of LK” week? Y’all need some sexy pictures to really attract the readership.

    Like that “y’all”? I only do that when I’m commenting on y’all’s blog.

    PS – I voted for you twice.

  6. Well, Key it’s OK to admit you’re Gay! The Log Cabin Republicans are in this year. It’s fine, Honey, you’d be in good company. Besides, that would sure as hell explain a lot about your love making

    Or lack thereof

  7. Whew Key–I just hate to bring “out” these issues early. Squirrel will have plenty to say about it when you meet in a debate “head to head”.

  8. As for the french fries–let’s not do that to them okay? I know they are the fries of love and all because they are french but–you have an election to win damnnit.

  9. The Barrister makes sense Key! Try not to expound upon your homosexual urges until AFTER your election. Some may find that a turn off and find you vile!

    You MUST pick your opportunity to suck



    Ok, I hope someone has compiled a book for the various terms Key and LK have used to describe each other’s “happy places” because I may want to string them all together in a future rant.

    On a serious note–Key listen to me–I’ve worked in political campaigns before–we will spring your ideas about “other” ways of living when you are significantly ahead in the polls.

  11. Well–that killing squirrels thing is a hit in Arkansas and South Louisiana, but let’s keep it under wraps for the rest of the Country until later.

  12. It might be a conflict in light of my pro-Keywork for President comments–but conflict schmonflict-if you’re paying, I’m staying.

    Now let’s see–a tooless tool—hmmmm–so we have fraud, misrepresentation-both negligent and intentional. I think we may have a case. Sorry key–nothing personal–its just business.

  13. You’ve got wedding plans Molly! I’m living your wedding with you–vicariously sweetie! Let me know when it wedding shoe day!! Can’t wait.

    You guys are an adorable couple. Anyone reading this, double click on Molly;s name and get a gander at a good looking couple! Happiness becomes them both!

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