From The Bowels of Hell

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Morty Solomon is an extremely modest man. He’s rarely ever worn shorts much less gone naked for any lengthy amount of time —even in the privacy of his own home!

But one day, Morty felt ill. His doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so he suggested that Morty check into the hospital for a series of tests.

Morty did as he was told and upon checking in, was immediately taken to the clinic for a barrage of tests. He had to drink Barium for one test in particular and boy, did THAT make poor Morty even sicker!!!    He was allergic to the stuff and it affected just about every part of his body…heavy emphasis on his excretory system.

Hours later, Morty experienced hell on Earth. He was back in his room, safely in bed but he was in dire pain. His stomach cramped, he could feel his lower intestinal tract spasm and the pain was intense. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed in bed.

Alas…it was not.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea that went to all four corners of his bed. Morty was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. He didn’t want to call a nurse, but he knew he couldn’t stay in a bed filled with his own feces.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

Well, as it happened, a drunk was staggering by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off or him. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who’d watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the heck is going on here?’

The drunk, still staring down replied: ‘I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!”’

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ghost.jpg

54 comments

  1. LK: Thanks for that–remind me not to read blogs while eating lunch. This story is very funny but I have to say that it seems rather insenstive to our unmotivated work force (formerly called homeless, bums, dregs of society, etc…) I me an after all, they are not all that stupid and to overgenerallize like that, well I am offended. As you know, I have a right under the Constitution not to be offended so…so…there.

    It is also demeaning to ghosts in general. We all know they don’t excrete waste so once again this is offensive. After the 2008 election you will not get away with this kind of insensitive behavior anymore–the Government will make sure of it.

    -Murphy 😉

  2. Murphy,

    I have sinned. I am sorry. Mea culpa. I never meant to offend the disenfranchised drunks or phantasms.

    I will immediately enroll in a sensitivity training course to learn how to more deftly handle stories about chronic alcoholics, Spirit Entities and Crohn’s Disease.

    My apologies!

    I hope President Hillary can help me and this troubled world.

    Ouch!! Stomach severely gurgled upon tying that.

  3. Lala, remember that decapitated dog found under kathy’s bedroom window? and remember that foul, drunk old woman bumping into the side of our house, thinking she was at hers? yes, those are just a miniscule of secrets that are being held captive in our childhood home.

  4. I think I saw you earlier at a party Karol had but in our old house on Main street?
    What year did you and Kim move to KC??

    I remember spying on Don Summers, some other guy and Georgia Smolik shootin’ craps on the side porch.

  5. i still have that cleat somewhere in my past mementos. i know, because about 20 years, i stumbled upon it. i had his id bracelet and got mad at him and threw it and it hit the wall of the old auditorium. big bad dent in it.

  6. Key..Cobbie is what all the nieces and nephews call Karol. Luke the eldest child in “Next Generation Kendrick Land” couldn’t say Karol, so it came out Cobbie.

  7. LK– we moved to KC in 66 and the reason you remember me from 8th grade grad was my big black glasses. ( Iwas soooo cool) Hello Key.– yes KK I have nightmares about the partys at City Hall.

    Laurie the reason KK and I broke up is simple. She tried to kill me with an id bracelet in the gym. I still duck when walking under the basket

  8. it wasn’t in the gym where i threw your bracelet-it was in the auditorium and it hit the wall of the stage.

  9. I’m much older now but I’d still look at Jan
    Hey remember when Henry and I gave you a ride home from college and made you pee your pants?

  10. i remember having a hang over and doing homework in the backseat of your car going to bee county-i nearly got the inside of your car redecorated.

  11. hahahahahahahahaha finally MY time has come.
    Iam needed by all those unknowing fans of the Kendricks

  12. biography. chris and i went together in the 7th and 8th grades. he gave me his id bracelet (or i asked for it). i wore it everyday. one day he made me mad and i threw it at him and it the wall and made a dent in the bracelet. did i feel bad about it? not at the time. five years ago our 30th class reunion was being planned and i was told to call this sob to try to get him to attend. we have been talking once a week or so ever since.

  13. Key, you’re already in the family, you ingrate.

    You’ll have to bring yourself and little Key, Jr (your son..NOT your weenus) to a function at the palatial Karol estate, nestled in the beautiful Texas Hill Country in a community we call Boerne

  14. too bad Keystone won’t be here. I hope that NTR comes for a visit. I really liked the estimations that CB wrote on the search for NI. I think he is a women—-we had several like that in KC.

  15. hey we have some spooky stories to tell at 7:00-you know all of the weird things that happen in this family

  16. I know what it is but I like Keystone isn’t that a cheap beer sold down here? or maybe that National Park in Wyoming.

  17. Kathy, It’s YELLOWSTONE park and Yes, there is Keystone beer and Pennsylvania is known as The Keystone State

    Didn’t your small south texas education teach you anything?

  18. Jay was a man-child-he started shaving in the 6th grade. I was my first love………He was built like AZ-kinda reminded me of him.

  19. He left after our soph. year-I heard he went to college and then married an older women with kids-probably still lives in the same mobile home-hey not that I’m critical, I lived in one for two years. MAN, I hope he is not reading this.

  20. yea, once he ran through the glass door going to the cafeteria. I’ll never forget that noise!!!!

  21. no, he just got up and looked around and walked off=the whole cafeteria broke out in applause!

  22. This was Seriously Funny.

    🙂

    I thought it was about the shorts first, then it got icky. When the drunk appeared some endings started forming in my head (very vague ones) – but your catch line was just too unexpected.

    Good one!

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