Odor In The Court


What you are about to read is true.

These statements are from a book called 
Disorder in the American Courts, and are things  people 
actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the 
torment of having to stay composed while these exchanges
 were actually taking place.  

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?  
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of 
                         the impact? 
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 •  •  • 

ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said
                           to you  that morning?  
WITNESS:      He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"  
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?  
WITNESS:      My name is Susan!

• • •

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how 
                         old is he? 
WITNESS:     Uh, he's twenty-one.

• • •
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was 
WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me?

• • •
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception of the baby 
                         was August 8th?  
WITNESS:     Yes.  
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was getting’ laid!

• • •
ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right? 
WITNESS:       Yes. 
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys? 
WITNESS:       None. 
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls? 
WITNESS:      Are you shittin me?  Your Honor, I think I 
                          need a  different attorney. 

• • •
ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage 
WITNESS:       By death. 
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS:       Now, whose death do you suppose 
                           terminated it?

• • •
ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and 
                          had a beard. 
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?  
WITNESS:      Guess.

• • •
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning
                         pursuant  to a deposition notice which 
                         I sent to your attorney?  
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

• • •
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have 
                         you performed  on dead people?  
WITNESS:     All my autopsies are performed on dead
                         people. Would you like to rephrase that?

• • •  

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  
                         What school did you  go to? 
WITNESS:     Oral.

• • •

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the 
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering 
                         why I was  doing an autopsy on him!

• • • 
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?  
WITNESS:     Huh? Are you qualified to ask that question?


  1. @ Scottdammit: Where’s Perry Mason? My guess is he’s getting hammered in the mens’ room.

    @ Laurie: These are hilarious! I have to get this book. Thanks!

  2. LK: Sad but true–of course all of these attorneys are idiots. Of course I did ask a witness who had been fired from his job if the reason he was fired was for abusing alcohol. He immediately said “NO! Why would you accuse me of that?” and I said “well, after all, your name is ‘Johnny Walker'” The jury roared but the witness got kind of pissed.


And now, you may opine your ass off...

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