Our story takes place at dusk in the rugged, mountainous terrain of Afghanistan. The only place more desolate and remote is Hell itself.
And skulking along, hiding under the shroud of fading light, is Osama bin Laden.
He’s trying to make his way to another remote part of Afghanistan, to hide in a new series of caves he just had redecorated—in a style we’ll call “Tuscany meets Byzantium”.
It even includes the cutest little country inspired dialysis room in canary yellow and Tiffany blue…..FABULOUS!!!!!!
As Osama walks along, he trips on something in the sand. He looks down and sees a lovely decorated bottle. He bends down, picks it up and wipes off some of the sand.
Just then, the bottle shakes violently in his hand, the cork pops out and this purple colored smokes shoots out from the opening.
Suddenly, a beautiful female Genie rises from the bottle.
She looks at Osama and smiles as she lowers her head in obsequious reverence. “Oh thank you, Master! I’d been in that bottle for 400 years, waiting for someone to release me from its prison. I am indebted. To express my appreciation, I will grant you one wish.”
This angered Osama. “You ignorant, worthless daughter of a goat and Dick Cheney!! Don’t you know who I am?”
She looked at him puzzled, “No Master, I do not!”
To which Osama replied, “I am Osama bin Laden. The most prolific terrorist on the planet. I am wanted by the FBI, MI6, the Mossad, Interpol and Dancing With The Stars, providing the producers got my tape, inshallah!!”
The Genie again, lowered her head and said, “No Master, I must plead ignorance.”
Osama couldn’t believe his ears. “What??? Don’t you get Al-Jazeera in that bottle?”
She was silent.
He shook his head. “You are a mere woman. You have less status than a wild dog. I do not need a common woman to provide me with anything. Who are you anyway?”
“Well Master, I am a Genie. Do you not know what that is?”
Osama looked puzzled. “A Genie? Bah! Feh! I do not know this Genie nonsense you speak of.”
She narrowed her eyes and shook her head, “I’m a mythic wish-granting figure in Arabian lore.”
He shook his head.
“I am a Genie, you know…like the TV show starring Barbara Eden in the title role, Larry Hagman as “Major Nelson”? It was created by Sidney Sheldon and it aired on NBC back in the late 60’s??”
Osama looked at her. “You mean Syndey Sheldon the Jewish infidel screenwriter who conceived such American TV staples as “I Dream of Jeannie”, “Hart to Hart” and “The Patty Duke Show?”
“Yes!!” screamed the Genie.
“Never heard of him.” replied Osama.
Then she said flippantly, “What?? Don’t you get “Nick At Night” in those caves?”
Osama was about to walk away when the Genie realized her desperate situation. So few people actually walk through the desert and Osama at that particular moment, was the ONLY person who could help her. “Please Master, I am sorry. I do not mean to be impertinent. My reality is this: if I do not grant you one wish immediately, I will be returned to that cramped, uncomfortable bottle for eternity.”
Osama took a deep breath and said, “I do not like women. They are brazen, evil temptresses, who have ruined the world. Your gender has endangered Islam, as well. I loathe woman. Many a man has seen his end due to a woman’s feminine wiles. But I am not inhuman. So, to prevent you from a fate worse than death in that bottle, I will allow you to grant me one wish.”
He thought about it for a second and then told the Genie, “Sometimes only a woman can satisfy a man’s needs when no camel, goat or tube of AstroGlide is around. I guess a woman will have to do. OK then, I would like to awaken with three American women in my bed tomorrow morning.”
The Genie replied, “Yes Master.”
“Now hurry up silly, inferior woman-whore! Grant my wish and be gone. The very sight of you sickens me!!”
A very annoyed Genie said with a devious smile, “Yes Master! Your wish is my command!”
And with that, the Genie disappeared.
Osama’s men were tired. They’d been walking all day, so they decided to make camp for the night.
The next morning, Osama woke up and looked around. The Genie had in fact, granted his wish. Lying next to him in his sleeping bag were none other than Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
He lifted the covers and true to form, his penis was gone, both knees had been broken with a PVC pipe AND he had no health insurance.
The moral of this story?
There isn’t one, but I’d be careful what you wish for Democrats.
I’d be very, very careful.
Allah Akhbar, ya’ll!!