FOR GUYS’ EYES ONLY

eyes.jpg

Gentlemen:

I’m taking a day off from politicking for Keywork, the Political Coondidate to get a much needed education.

I’m targeting this post at you, men. I’m writing it because of you, with the hopes that I, along with some of my metaphorical sisters, will get a better understanding of just what makes you tick.

Because I’ll admit it, I don’t understand you and your…your manly ways. You confound me and bemuse me. I want to understand you. I want to comprehend you. Because before I enter the last half of my life (assuming I’ll live to be 100) I want to fall in love with one of you.

And beyond that, I want to stay in love with you. Admittedly, that’s something that’s always eluded me.

Both of us always left me first.

Don’t worry—you read that right.

So, if you would please gentlemen, school me. Educated me and my female readers. I want you to read the following scenarios and please explain them to me..to us in the comments section of this post. Answer just one…answer all of them. Go long, go short–I don’t care, just please help women...ME... understand. Some of these scenarios have actually happened to me; some have happened to friends….some, I’m just damned curious about.

And no, I’m not trying to lump all men in one category. I KNOW you’re all different, but what I’m looking for is the male perspective, a man’s explanation of some or all of these scenarios.

Thank you for your honesty and for your participation. I ONLY want men to respond to this, please!!

SCENARIO ONE:

The relationship is new…a few months old. Things are going along fine and then all of a sudden, in the time it takes to flip a light on or off at the switch, the guy starts to back off. Suddenly, he’s too busy. Suddenly, he’s not feeling well. Conversations decrease and when you do talk, the quality of the conversations has declined as well. So, the woman asks what’s wrong? She says she knows the dynamic of the relationship has changed for reasons she’s not aware. His reply is, “Nothing is wrong, I’m just incredibly busy”. The woman knows this is BS and few days later volunteers to “back off”. The guy says “no, don’t do that” but doesn’t change his ways and the relationship continues to deteriorate.

Please explain the inexplicable “backing off”? And if the reality of this situation is “he’s just not that into you” fine, but then why didn’t he end the relationship end when the woman proposed ending it? If he wasn’t willing to go forward with the relationship–if his feelings changed for whatever reason, why didn’t he just end it himself as opposed to allowing it to deteriorate to the point of no return?

If a guy says he’s “too busy”, that’s just an excuse, isn’t it? If there were real feelings, real emotion, a guy would never be too busy, right? He’d find a way to be with her, spend time with her, etc.

SCENARIO TWO:

The relationship is still relatively new. You’re getting your bearing around each other and those that must formulate when you’re NOT around each other. They guy insists on bringing up old relationships and women from his past that are suddenly still interested in him. There seems to be a new woman interested every day. She’s expressed to him that she doesn’t care to hear about who he was involved with in the past because that’s what it was….the past. Besides, it upsets her because there seems to be an old interest returning everyday. He know how she feels, yet he keeps bringing it up under the guise that he wants to be completely honest. Yet his “honesty” hurts her feelings.

She cries.

What’s really going on here? Is there a psychological “need” to see her react? What is his point— what is he getting out of conveying these things to her when she’s asked him repeatedly to refrain from telling her anything?

SCENARIO THREE:

Why is it, that when you’re not feeling well or your a bit depressed, do you need to be alone? You yell at us for “hovering”. If it’s in the male psychopathy–your hardwiring, so to speak, to go dark and distance in times of tumult…and it is OUR nature to hover during these times, what’s the best way in your opinion, to resolve the problem and meet each other halfway?

SCENARIO FOUR:

Cheating. If you are cheating or have cheated or thinking about it, please tell me why. What prompted it? What kept you doing it and if you stopped cheating, how did it make you feel? Did you feel justified in doing it? If so, why? I want your honesty, please.

If someone cheats once, should that be written off as a mere mistake, in spite of the vows or in spite of the commitment? Once a cheat, always a cheat???

When is it the woman’s fault? When is it the man’s fault? Can the couple fail themselves?

SCENARIO FIVE:

What do you really want in a heterosexual relationship? I mean what do you “really” want? Don’t give me fantasy about a 21 year old gorgeous hard body, I want reality. Tell me about the personality she’ll have…her , character, values, commonalities. Is formal education important? What about shared religious background, ethnicity? I understand that all answers will be different. What one man find attractive, another man won’t. Even with that said, I want to know. What do you find attractive? And what keeps you attracted to her? What keeps you faithful?

Lastly, is forever a realistic expectation? I’m saddened to think that long ago…back in 1973, I was force fed a hefty dose of reality when I learned that “forever” was a lovely, but unattainable concept.

Again, MALE RESPONDENTS ONLY!!

This post will remain up through the weekend.

.

36 comments

  1. # 1 He is either immature, or is ready for another conquest, or has found your replacement already but wants to keep you around as a back up. Cut your loses and move on, you deserve better.

    #2 He is playing with two or more women at the same time. By constantly talking about the other women he will use it as an excuse that he was always honest with you about other women and you should not be surprised when he backs out of the relationship. Plus he is insecure and wants you to know he does not need you. Cut your loses and move on, you deserve better.

    #3 Sometimes we need the time to work out an issue. Remember we are supposed to be strong and tough, the knight in white armor who saves the lady. We cannot show you our weak side, not at least for a few years or decades. Work this one out, give it time and do not make a large issue of it.

    #4 A one time screw up? We all can make mistakes, maybe it can be repaired. BUT if the cheating was with a friend of yours, cut the relationship off. Cheating more then one time? Stick with him and expect more abuse or run away fast from this one especially if he feels justified with cheating. IF you stay with him, ALWAYS keep separate bank accounts.

    #5 Personality: happy, positive, the glass is half full, knows how to laugh at oneself. Character: responsible, reliable, Values: honest, caring of others, sensitive (but not blind). Commonalities: a few are good but if there are too many things in common how boring would it be, in a strong relationship you share your differences as well as your common interests, give and take, Education; over blown, who cares about certificates on a wall, the person matters.

    Unfortunately too many people are too selfish and do not care to work on a long term relationship. Its that ” I am scared of a commitment ” bull crap, the truth is they want their cake and eat it too.

    So how does one email Laurie Kendrick?

  2. Scenario 1 is easy: Guy has decided that there is something about you that he no longer likes and knows will never change so he starts looking around-the point the backing off begins is the same point he has become interested in someone else-but as Al said–he is keeping you for backup until the other deal is signed up. I’ll get back on the others.

    -Murphy

  3. First, I’m going to take you to task – or take you over my knee, whichever is more fun – for assuming that all men are alike. We’re not. We have different reasons for doing things, and in the continental US there must be dozens of men who don’t act like your guy in the scenarios.

    But I’m GGG, so I’ll play along.

    1) Things are going along fine and then all of a sudden, in the time it takes to flip a light on or off at the switch, the guy starts to back off.

    He’s scared of the intimacy, or of the commitment and doesn’t know how to tell you. Historically, men who say things like “This is moving along too quickly for me” or “I’m really not ready for anything except sex and dinner. What’s in the fridge?” don’t last long. He may simply not know how to express it.

    2) He know how she feels, yet he keeps bringing it up under the guise that he wants to be completely honest. Yet his “honesty” hurts her feelings.

    He’s bragging. “See what a good catch I am? Even women that I’ve dumped still want a piece ‘o’this.” The more cynical view would be that he’s purposely trying to keep you at a distance because he doesn’t know how to handle the intimacy.

    3)Why is it, that when you’re not feeling well or your a bit depressed, do you need to be alone?

    This is one of those Mars/Venus things. Men are socialized to be strong, and having a mother hen around during hard times simply encourages us to lean on you for emotional support. This is seen as a “bad thing” for men – even pretty decent sorts like me have a hard time with it – because if you hear us talking about our depressions and hearing how helpless or hopeless we feel, then you’re going to leave us for the strong silent type that we should have been in the first place.

    4) If you are cheating or have cheated or thinking about it, please tell me why.

    Why is the sky blue? There are so many possible answers for this, it’s impossible to cover them all.
    Here’s the basics:
    We feel insecure, so we hunt and conquer a new piece.
    We’re not getting any support from you (see #3 – you can’t win), so we find comfort in getting another piece of tail.
    We’re not getting the intimacy that we need, but we don’t know how to talk about it. So we seek the only kind of intimacy that we’re socialized to believe is appropriate – we get a piece of tail.
    You’re too busy shopping or lunching with your girlfriends to pay us attention, so we go out and get laid.
    Our exciting date sex has become dull partnered sex.
    Remember when we bought you that fishnet wetsuit? You shoved it in the back of the closet with a disparaging remark. That hurt.
    We’re getting old and wonder if we’ve still got the mojo.

    Is that enough for now?

    5) What do you really want in a heterosexual relationship?

    A Pamela Anderson or Angelina Jolie who can change the oil and likes monster truck shows. Oh, and who will wear – with passion – that fishnet wetsuit in the back of the drawer – without our begging.

  4. Tom,

    I’m taking YOU to task for not reading what I’d written. God knows that I know all men aren’t alike and stated that in my post. I’m not blaming men, I simply want a male perspective on a few things that have happened to me and and to several friends.

    But because in certain ways, we’re cut from the same cloth I’ll take that spanking anyway.

    “Fishnet wetsuit”??? Why am I NOT surprised???

  5. Oh Laurie.(There is a lovely song (much like yourself then)which I will check out) What webs of tangledness we weave. I suppose I am cheating (more on that later) but the comments I make come from my conversation with brother Robert (obviously male, or so he likes to think). Numero Uno is easy. Males like to be free spirits. They shy away from commitment simply because nature makes them want to keep their options open. It is nothing personal, just biological. Sometimes a woman can make them feel crowded. It doesn’t mean he has gone off her. He can merely feel threatened and boxed in.
    S2. There is honest, and there is pissing off honest. You need to find a balance.
    For Scenario #3 Robert says men simply get scared at this stuff and don’t know how to react. They are not sure what is the best thing to do.
    Scenario 4 is easy. Robert and I both agree that avoiding cheats, of any kind, is the way to go. Scenario 5 doesn’t even figure. Bodies don’t bother me. I want you for your mind Laurie Kendrick.

    Huh?????

  6. Laurie, not speaking as a raccoon here, most of this has to do with vulnerability. Men don’t like to feel vulnerable. We don’t like to admit it, don’t want to talk about it, don’t want to think that we could be weak. Have you ever seen a man that is honest with his true emotions and thought wow, what a stud. So insecurities play into this as well.
    As far as honesty, some of us know and some of us don’t. If you know the balance between good truth and bad truth all the time, you’re a gentleman and I would love your advice. If you don’t, you’re like the rest of us. There is a learning curve, especially when the relationship is new, just be patient and let us know when we cross the line. Be very upset about it and most of us will adapt.
    Personally, unless death is involved, I don’t care for solitude when I am depressed. But I guess it’s just a nice way of saying,’Look, when I get upset, I’m likely to upset you, so stay away. Unless you’re into that.”
    Infidelity can be forgiven. Not forgotten, but it can and should be forgiven. The first time. If it happens more than once, time to move on. Blaming each other doesn’t help, because the blaming comes after the happening. The cheat can’t be undone, so don’t try. This is usually a good time for honesty and maybe a weekend get away, if you want to keep the relationship together.
    Men want to be wanted. It’s that simple. The moment you don’t act like you need or want us, we will start to withdraw. Men want to protect, provide, and have sex as much as possible. It’s true.

  7. I’m taking YOU to task for not reading what I’d written.

    I guess then we’ll both have to get that spanking!

    I made light of the fishnet wetsuit thing, but understand that for many guys this is a huge issue. We dont’ know how to talk to you about sex because we know that you think sex is dirty. Rather, some sex is good, but the sex that we like – raunchy, steamy, and filled with kinky toys – is dirty. It must be, otherwise why do we have to be so circumspect about it? Think I’m kidding? Ever watch prime time tv? Kinky sex is played for laughs, or talked about in sly double-entendres.

    If you read some of the links on my blog, so many men want some kind of kinky or unusual sexual activity, but are ashamed to mention it to their wives. Not without good reason, because after years of reading these stories, some wives completely freak out.

    “I bought you this black lace set from Elizabeth’s Secret…”
    “What!? You want me to dress up like some kind of whore?!”

    Or you have some women like my own Mrs. Edge who will politely thank you and then stick it in the back of the drawer and never say another word about it.

    Obviously not all women are like that – but enough of them are to make men nervous about openly discussing non-vanilla sexuality, or often, even regular sexuality.

  8. #1: The man most likely entered the relationship, had some early reservations, and as the newness begun to wear off, the reservations became clearer. Not wanting to hurt your feelings, he backs off.

    #2: Yes. He wants to see you react. He feels a need to control you, to get a rise. This is not someone worth being in a relationship with.

    #3: Ask him what you can do to help. If he says, I need to be alone. Let him be alone for a while, but after a time, say, “now what is something nice I can do for you?”

    #4: No answer for this one.

    #5: That comes down to personal values including the motivation for being together and the expectations of what work will go into the relationship. My wife and I work on our relationship and our committed no matter what. Our faith is the most important thing in our lives and it is at the center of our relationship.

  9. Sorry if little sis Martyne spooked you earlier. I told her to just answer your questions. I prefer to stay in the background but if I feel she is being misunderstood or threatened I will come forward. We both have very protective natures. She loves the limelight. I prefer the shadows. I think she has a bit of a “thing” for you. She is far too damn cerebral for her own good and has this “intellectual fancy” for you. I keep telling her to drop this stuff, find a man who can put up with her, and pop out some sprogs before it is too late. We need to keep the family line going. I don’t approve of what she did at that girls school but because I love her, I want to see her get things together with a man, for her own good.

  10. FOR TOM,

    You KNOW I read the links at your site.

    Trust me, I was “kinky” long before Mr. Friedman adopted it as a nickname. Sexual proclivity is as idiosyncratic as the man’s tastes and I understand the relevance of being sexually creative and innovative–and for both parties, thank you!!

    But I’m not necessarily talking about sex here. As it pertains to keeping a guy interested and from straying–YES but if the relationship isn’t good, for me personally, sex won’t be either. But that’s just me and sadly, that’s where I am, Tom.

    Does “self love” count??

    I “get” that perhaps a few of these scenarios would never have happened had I been on my game==emotionally and physically. I understand the role we both play in a relationships success and failure. SO, with that said, I think I know where I went wrong. But I need to understand why I acted the way I did and why the men in my life REACTED the way they did.

    Like Rome, none of these things will be resolved in one day, but this–I think–might be a step in the right direction.

    I thank you for input.

  11. Robert..Martyne,

    Yes, take that as a compliment.

    I understand British humor. You guys practically invented sarcasm…however, us Yanks perfected it.

    And I understood what Martyne was saying–to a degree. I understand l respect. I’m flattered that she likes my work. I didn’t interpret it beyond that.

    My “huh??” reference stemmed from my staunch request that only men respond. Which I guess was her reference to “cheating” which she said she’d explain, but never did.

  12. but if the relationship isn’t good, for me personally, sex won’t be either.

    And that’s where most people are – guys included. Typically, men take a more physical approach, so the relationship can be a little less good before they get turned off to the sex, but it does happen.

    I used to have this idea that women were emotionally more mature than men, and were better able to talk about issues. I’ve now seen that women maybe, in general, be more emotionally equipped in some areas, but they’re just as dysfunctional as men, just in their own way as far as communication within a relationship is concerned.

    What I’m saying is that you can’t take the entire rap for a failed relationship. It’s the responsibility for both of you to try to overcome those difficulties.

    In my case, wearing more leather is a good start. 😉

  13. Tom, I’m slaughtering cows as I type this!!

    I don’t take the blame or full responsibility for every failed relationship but I do make significantly BAD choices. More men depart from my life than La Guardia! Why is that? A myriad of reasons, namely I choose the wrong guy. I pick emotionally unavailable men as if to perpetuate some ridiculous mindset I have.

    But I’m trying to break that habit. It’s not easy admitting I’ve made egregious mistakes and that in many ways, I’m responsible for much if my own unhappiness. But the truth is I am, but it’s also time to start looking at my life differently. I must now become responsible for much of my happiness and that means shedding the need to find duplicates of my father or whatever the still;y psychological ramifications are and start seeking healthy, happy, well adjusted individuals.

    And I will….. just as soon as I become one myself.

  14. Laurie my dear, I think you just answered your own question 🙂 If you can find happiness in yourself, that inner confidence will portray itself and you’ll become much more attractive to a male counterpart.

    In general, men prefer females who are secure in their ways and who don’t overly depend on them…including the happiness department. As soon as a woman stops “being herself” and stops generating her own happiness that’s when men start to back away a bit. I mean not that being with her significant other shouldn’t be a source of happiness…but more often than not the male becomes the only source of happiness and emotion for the female and that’s when guys become like “woah, hold on a second here…what happened to that confident girl that won me over? She’s becoming an emotional wreck based on every little thing I do”.

    I may be overexaggerating a bit, but you get my drift.

    I hate to admit it, but its the truth. Men are emotionally fickle like that. We back off at any sign of emotional weakness from the female and will walk away from even the most perfect girl if we feel like everything she does is dependent on me. And that’s no fault of the woman necessarily, it’s just understanding how men are wired.

    Hope that helped a bit 🙂

  15. Ok in #1—this is when I am scared. Scared of her. There is still the girl I like there but she has done one of these things that scare me;
    1. Spoke of eternal bliss when we haven’t even dated past a month.
    2. Display of jealousy or controlling behavior or mannerism.
    3. Choking or clingy attachment.
    4. Very loose in choice of words ( not a concern for others)

    #2. This guy is an asshole. A control freak– RUN — I would never do that . However all my friends are female- -Ill tell you that initially so there aren’t any worries.

    #3. Again this guy is whacked. We tend to always want to fix things. I have learned that when a woman needs to be alone or needs to cry, lend her an open ear and heart, not a hand.

    #4. Well I have been on both sides of that coin. I honestly admit- I am reactionary and I cheated only because I wasn’t receiving the affection I wanted. In my book it takes two to build and end a relationship. However, cheating is bad but why did it happen? Its good to be honest about this when you begin to date another. Remember it isn’t all men that cheat either.

    #5. Honestly we all want a attractive woman. That DOES NOT MEAN eye candy. We like that, but if you meet a sweet, funny, smart, goal oriented, artistic, laid back, family and God oriented and strong, Honest, non smoker, no drugs, no STDS, likes kids, likes pets, likes to lounge around as well as go out, also likes to make wild passionate sweaty monkey love and romantic love, is a good chef or at least can read the prep box on tuna helper, is your best friend and lust pot and perspective wife then you met my girlfriend and future wife.

  16. I apologise for Martyne’s actions. She should have respected your “men only” wishes. She asked me to comment on your post but I refused, for the reasons stated earlier. She is a “drama queen” but I prefer to lead a quiet life on the sidelines. So she pumped me for information and secretly made a reply. When I found out I was most annoyed. I chastised her and I am sure it will not happen again. I think this is what she meant when she said “cheating”. It is not becoming behaviour for a lady. Even one on her uppers, like she is. Sometimes the sherry takes over. I wish she would give it up. One thing we do agree on. Raccoons Rock. Please give our love to Keywork.

  17. Scenario One:

    He wasn’t into you…or he wasn’t SURE he was into you, which is the same thing. A woman asking if something is wrong can be considered to be “nagging,” which would further turn off a guy, especially if he’s emotionally immature as to not properly end a relationship.

    Best to ditch him fast.

    Scenario Two:

    You’re not in a relationship so much as he’s using you as therapy; a mother figure. He has unfinished business with his past and you’re his present mommy. No real secure man would even think of casually bringing up exes in such excess.

    Scenario Three:

    You are being annoying. If a man says he wants to be left alone, that is that, he doesn’t mean it as an insult to you or as a secret code, he just WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE.

    Leave him alone for a bit, go make cookies

    Scenario Four:

    Guys cheat because they want to be single but don’t have the balls to tell you.

    Scenario Five:

    I don’t want anything from women

    I don’t believe in forever, but I believe in till death do you part.

  18. Men are real bastards. We don’t know how to express our feelings because we’re taught from day one “not to cry” and “not to be scared” et al. We find a woman we like, she likes us back and as soon as all goes well we choose to undermine the relationship to discover just how much she loves us. If she puts up a fight, we feel invigorated. If she plays it cool, we get offended. Which leads to infidelity. Infidelity is also caused by the fact that men are hard wired to procreate – frequently. It’s our nature to spread our seed far and wide (OK that sounds messy and a bit over the top).

    Here’s what to remember about men in relationships:
    1) We need our space just like you do, but don’t let us feel abandoned.
    2) If you hover and paint us into a corner, we’ll lie and/or shut down. Don’t demand real-time answers. Let us contemplate and get back to you.
    3) Don’t ask us “What’s wrong.” Rather say, “Is there anything I can do to make this better.”
    4) Don’t dramatize situations. We hate that. It’s not necessary.
    5) Compliment us from time to time. You expect it…so do we.
    6) Don’t say “Talk to me” when you sense something’s on our mind. Wait for it. When it’s out on the table don’t say, “I KNEW it!” You might have good intuition but you don’t have to rub it in our faces.
    7) At a certain age it’s no longer about sex, but that doesn’t mean you get to stop being passionate. Kiss us like you did when we first met now and then.
    8) Get interested in one of his hobbies – and I mean really learn it well – and he’ll likely even go salsa dancing with you.
    9) Stay confident in yourself. Confidence is damn sexy.
    10) Never, ever ever ever ever ask us if we think some item of clothes makes you look fat. That’s just dumb.

  19. Further to #10 by dailytri, never ask a man “does my bum/tush/fanny(but only in North America)look big in this”. Regardless of what he thinks, he will invariably say “no” in order to protect his wedding tackle from possible damage. So it is a non question. I don’t often feel the need to stand up to the oche and comment but it seems to be happening to me a lot recently. I am starting to see why Martyne so enjoys this blogging malarkey.

  20. I know what song Martyne is alluding to. It is “Oh Lori” (spelling never was her long suit) and was by the Alessi Brothers. Just thought I would let you know. I am not comfortable being in the public domain, unlike Martyne, but I just felt I needed to tell you this Laurie.

  21. This Eagle finds Ladies a complete mystery and struggles to comprehend the anxious males of another Species

    One would of course perhaps be le plus confortable with Martin und all this Amerikans not toubling to come into in the Public Domain, with their eccentric spellings & strange currency

    … DailyTri is maybe qualified (which is not admitted) to speak only for himself

    BUT We Really want to know what happened to PeeWee

    Yr obedient servant etc

    G E

    You want to know what happened to PeeWee, huh? Well he was so appalled by the spelling, overall confusion and syntax (or the lack thereof) within this comment, that he forced himself to sit in the darkness of an adult theater in Florida back in the early 90’s where he began frantically masturbating in pubic public–until he was arrested. His career has never been the same.

  22. hworrre – mbaaa

    A Gentle-Eagle is somewhat excessively embarrassed to be able to retort ….. but surely you cannot be suggesting that the much-admired PeeWee is a Republikan ….. and do make some allowances – for this puir Eagle, Americcan is not his Mother Tongue

  23. #1: There could be a thousand reasons a guy would back off, but most likely he’s been really turned off by something and/or he wants to break it off but isn’t 100% sure about.

    #2: He’s a childish doofus with esteem issues, bringing up other women to foster some form of competition in his current relationship. Drop this guy like a hot rock.

    #3: Men want to feel like we can solve our own problems, that we’re in control of ourselves. We don’t talk our problems out unless we’ve hit a dead end; talking about it is a sign that we’re looking for help, a last resort. Best way for a woman to help us then is to just let him know that she’s there to help or talk if/when he’s ready.

    #4: If the cheating was only about sex then he’s selfish and inconsiderate. If the cheating was about a lost emotional attachment in a relationship then all is lost. And “yes” to once a cheat, always a cheat.

    #5: Too broad a question (no pun intended).

  24. First, I am no expert.

    With my daughters, I have always been asked to explain the behavior of men… which is rather easy … if you look for the most obvious answer and not allow your heart, hopes and unspoken expectations to distract you. One of my favorite related quotes to your discussion is:

    “It is not a lack of love,
    but a lack of friendship
    that makes unhappy marriages”
    — Friedrich Nietzsche

    So, it is Friendship that is at the heart of any sustained relationship. Sometimes, we all need to sit back and look at what friendship really is… in order to understand what is realistic and obtainable in any relationship. Here is a nice little partial definition on Wikipedia:

    a) the tendency to desire what is best for the other,

    B) sympathy and empathy,

    c) honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart

    d) mutual understanding.

    I would add that it takes time and mutual shared activities to develop closeness and to stay close. I always joked that my daughters interest in football and video games was a magnet to young men …. of course, being excellent chefs, attractive and intelligent didn’t hurt.

    In addition, I believe there is no such thing as spending ‘quality time’ with someone… there is only time. If you are choosing not to include him/her in your activities, don’t be surprised if you are not included in theirs.

    There is a story that often appears on Valentine’s Day that talks about finding one’s “One-and-only.’ These special relationships are the result of spending large amounts of time as friends… working and playing together.

    Finally, expressing yourself honestly & clearly at the beginning of any relationship is critical to how the relationship develops forward.

    Excuse my ramblings… Nice Blog,

    Roger

  25. #1 Poor Connection.

    While this may be a case of ‘sex too soon’, it probably didn’t matter. No one, boys or girls, are taught many of the social skills we need to manage relationships, pick suitable partners, recognize when things aren’t working, or who is responsible for what during a relationship or when it ends.

    Let me guess, that if he is reluctant to stand up and say, “I don’t feel happy here anymore” (which is a perfectly satisfactory reason), then perhaps he doesn’t believe she will be courteous in accepting his exit. For instance, the way you describe this, when he wants to let at least parts of the relationship dwindle, your response is how to bring him back into line – not about how to recognize and respect what he wants. Just one perspective.

    #2. Dating too soon.

    He hasn’t dealt with his demons. I heard about a study that showed it takes and *average* of 2 1/2 years to get over a loss or separation. 3 1/2 for women. He hasn’t taken the time to grieve for his losses, to find himself. He can’t build a healthy relationship because he isn’t *him* yet – he is still the ex-husband, ex-mate, ex-boyfriend. As Tom Arnold expressed in ‘True Lies’ – “Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

    Save yourself, run away. Let his ‘old Adam die, and a new Adam come forth’ before worrying about his love life.

    3# Inner focus.

    It isn’t just him. Anyone that is hurt or in pain is focused on that discomfort. There is less energy available for forming or maintaining extra-personal contacts and relationships. That is why we visit the sick and the shutins – they are less capable of making the gesture to others.

    Hovering is a non-verbal form of nagging. And nagging is a form of manipulation – implying that the nagged person requires guidance to get through the day. This is an expression of disrespect. Comfort, help, even caring for someone that is sick – that is nurturing and wonderful. Expecting more energy, more feedback, more reaction from someone than they feel comfortable giving – that gets back to manipulation, to using them for your own satisfaction. Let him let you know how much contact, how much conversation is comfortable. And respect his wishes.

    Set a good example for how he can nurture and help you, when you are hurting. And think clearly, whether, “Go away!” is a rejection of you, of your current actions, or just an expression of discomfort and the feeling that you aren’t helping at the moment. And for goodness’ sakes, wait until he gets better to ask him about it!

    #4. Sleazy life skills.

    You don’t want your daughter to date sexually active, brutal, dopers. But do you think twice about a guy with a string of conquests, or the skills to get women into bed?

    This is a case of picking a guy with a life-skill of attracting women. He won’t be losing that skill the next morning, not in the next 20 years. If he is too easy to get to know, if things get too intimate so fast its too good to be true – it likely is. You might just have a Skilled Slick Lover on your hands. You might hang onto him, but he will be practicing that life skill, for attracting, motivating, and messing around with women he meets.

    Part of the excitement of sex is the ebb and flow of hormones. As we exchange bodily fluids through skin contact, shared breathes, and other activities, our bodies adjust to our partner’s chemistry. Some people confuse the intensity of the sensation of adapting with ‘love’ – and seek the ‘new conquest’ instead of building a solid life and life mate, and home for future children. Picking a mate that would be a good co-parent for your children would bring skills to your relationship that will reward you richly, even if you don’t plan on children.

    Find a guy without his particularly hazardous life skill – like maybe someone that respects men, women, children, and animals. Someone that is disciplined (discipline – will to complete a task), honest, and compassionate.

    #5. It varies from moment to moment, and stays constant for a lifetime. To be a help to others, to enjoy work and to feel joy in being with those around me.

    I want to please a mate, so that she feels cherished. I want a mate that I respect and care for. Someone to trust, and that trusts me. Someone to hold and be held by, except when she is sick.

    I want to pursue my interests and hobbies and career, to be a help to friends and my community. I want my friends to succeed, and my family to be safe and to prosper.

    I think love can die, as can trust, respect, and honor. We have to be careful not to cause those around us to withdraw these gifts.

  26. I’m not buying scenario #1, Brad.

    If a guy isn’t happy and believe me, I agree that is a perfectly reasonable occurrence, he should leave. If he feels the partner would be “discourteous” and stays to prevent a scene, then he’s rather spineless, wouldn’t you say? As one half of that relationship, it was his duty to be honest about what he was feeling or not feeling. He owed her that.

    If we go by you version, then the fact that he fears that there would be a reaction is reason enough to split.

    She offered to leave..several times and he said no, he didn’t want to end it. If he was –as others have suggested–just trying to keep her around while he secured another romantic interest previously kept on the side, then he’s an asshole and a jerk!

    They’re much better off apart anyway. Liars can never be trusted.

    As for scenario #2? I think he has deep seeded psychological issues in the form of rampant insecurity and needs to get a reaction from his current girlfriend as if that’s a bell weather/barometer of her true feelings for him.

  27. Have you dated me? I have lived each scenario. I want to answer this right now but I’m real busy. Really and not number 1 scenario busy BS. I am going to bookmark and give this a shot. I need to know why I do some of these things too!

  28. Gee, have I dated you, Smith??? Good question.

    Answer this: think about the most miserable you’ve ever been in your life. Then multiply that times 47 IF you remember that this pain caused you to drink more than ever before, screw around and cheat on your partner, and use bad judgment in every financial deal that forced you into incredible debt.

    Have you ever been a pilot???

    If any of that happened–if you answered yes to at least one of those questions, then yes, we probably dated..

  29. I’ve never lived south of NYC, I’m not a heavy drinker, and I tend to be financially conservative.

    Nope, looks like LK and I never dated.

    More’s the pity, eh, Laur?

    So, did this help you at all?

  30. In a way it helped–in a way it only confused me more. You guys are so simple that your complicated. I’ll post something about it when my schedule eases some.

    You called me “Laur”. Wow Tom. No one’s called me that in decades.

  31. “why cheat”

    i had written a pretty long answer to this. the why. it sounded too much like “i was standing there, minding my own…” it’s still accurate, though. i was dating a girl, i liked her a lot. but then i got hit by a truck. nobody gets up in the morning and plans to get run over by a truck.

    i’d like to think i’d never step out into traffic again, but track record is the surest predictor.

    “what i want”
    there’s lots i’d like to have,
    but what i want is a lot like art or porn.
    i know it when i see it.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s