“I Loves Me Some Punkin”


This is a story that was recently published in a Seattle area newspaper.

Police arrested Robert Aylor, a 59 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch around 11:30 on a Friday night..

That Monday in a court appearance, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home after a night of drinking when he decided to stop.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes. He then cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his “needs”.

The judge asked him to explain himself.

“Guess I was really into it, you know? Them pumpkins is all soft and squishy inside and there wasn’t no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around”, he replied .

Court records indicate that in the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware that he had an audience until Seattle Police Officer Brenda Gordon approached him. “It was an unusual situation, Your Honor”, said the officer. “We observed a man in this field gesticulating wildly in a pumpkin patch late at night. Obviously, we had to investigate. So, I walked up to Mr. Aylor and saw that he was having his way with that pumpkin. With all due respect to the court, Your Honor, all indications pointed to the fact that he was having a good time doing it”.

The judge asked Officer Gordon to describe what happened when she approached Aylor. “Well, Your Honor I said to him, excuse me sir, but are you aware you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”

The officer then went on to say that Aylor froze and was clearly very surprised that she was standing there. He removed the pumpkin from his crotch and looked at her. He then said without missing a beat….

“A pumpkin? Shit!!! Is it midnight already?”



  1. Ah damn. And here I thought that this was a real story. Great build up. But I bet that pumpkin would feel really good on some guy’s junk. There’s more to hang on with a pumpkin than an apple pie could provide. And it’s portable.

  2. Reminds me of the Saturday Night Live skit, “Applachians Emergency Room” in which the hillbilly comes in with a watermelon attached to his crotch.

  3. You know Laurie, sometimes I oughta try that — at least I wouldn’t have had such pain in my life — WOMEN! I want my rib back ok seriously — this guy is whacked !!! Funny joke though. So, do we call him Peter the pumpkin eater or Charlie Brown?

  4. Stop confusing our daughter. She is coping with the loss of a pet. I am coping with a large furball and extreme intestinal discomfort.

  5. WHen I was pregnant with your demon spawn, I too had lower GI issues. I just figured it was Bagel’s half hands/half paws figuring out her own dexterity.

    Turned out is was just an IUD that ran amuck. Bagel was born with it in her left hand/paw, remember Key?

    At first the doctor didn’t know what in the hell it was…thought this metal thing in our childcoon’s hand was a birth defect at this.

    You know, maybe I had eaten too much iron.

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