“Gimme a Chomsky and Hold The Mayo”

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“To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.”
—Calgacus

There’s no doubt about it, war is hell.

Ironic isn’t it, that this was the movie playing at the Texas Theater in Dallas on a cold November afternoon in 1963. It was on the screen when Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested for allegedly assassinating President John F. Kennedy just a few hours earlier.

Filmmaker, Oliver Stone would have us believe that JFK was taken out because he wanted to remove CIA “advisers” from the burgeoning conflict in Vietnam…something the cursed military/industrial complex didn’t want.

The war only escalated after Kennedy’s death. In fact, it went on for 13 more years before the U.S. pulled out completely. So yes, it ended…though some war-scarred veterans I’ve interviewed would argue that point. They’ll tell you the war is still on going–in their heads, in their hearts…..their memories.

The only difference is the metaphorical battlefield.

A lot of people profit from war; those who make the physical and technical aspects of warring a reality and of course, those who oppose it. We see a lot of that these days. There are talk show and national newscast appearances to be scheduled and if certain special interest groups can master the puppet strings of public relations correctly, maybe even book deals and a reality show in the wings.

I’m waiting for Cindy Sheehan’s TV “vehicle”.

That brings me to the focus of this post: Noam Chomsky. The uber Liberal Professor Emeritus at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is rabidly, vehemently opposed to what’s happening in Iraq and has been extremely critical of every aspect of the Bush Administration, especially it’s foreign policy.

Noam has every right to support or lambaste anything his little heart wants support or lambaste. He is, after all, an undeniably brilliant man.

And he’s decidedly ours. So, lets’ celebrate him. Let’s propel his name into the mainstream American lexicon. I propose doing this two ways.

First of all, his last name is PERFECT. Short, sweet and just ethnic enough to be a little funny. Let’s make “Chomsky” an adjective, defined by relatively rapid weight gain.

Example:

“Wow, have you seen Brenda lately? Ever since she started working as a frosting taster at Betty Crocker, she’s gotten so chomsky!!”

Better yet, let’s turn his last name into a specialty sandwich!!! Something that would become synonymous with a very, very large sandwich with heaping helpings of different meats, cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, red onions, bell peppers, black olives, some tangy marinated cucumbers, a little mayo, a dab of mustard and of course, a schmear of Russian dressing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, behold….The Big Chomsky!!!!

Noam made news recently when Osama bin Laden quoted him. “The Big O” hadn’t been seen or heard from in years, so when he made a TV appearance a few weeks ago, he looked as young and fresh as a model on a tampon commercial.

Here’s what he said:

“Chomsky is one of the most capable on your side of America who spoke to you that war in Iraq as being unnecessary and the manufacturing of public opinion”.

OK, so Osama isn’t the linguist that Noam is.

And then about a year ago, Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez recommended Chomsky’s book, Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance, during his speech at the U.N. General Assembly.

Chávez stated that it was “a good book to read because it demonstrates why the greatest danger to world peace currently is the U.S”.

Wow.

Hugo Chavez sings Noam’s praises…as does Osama????

I did some digging around on Mr Chomsky. Apparently, he is and has been the “go to” guy supported by and quoted by just about EVERY opponent of Democracy known to man.

Haitian Dictator, Papa Doc Duvalier said: “Noam is definitely one bon homme. His anti-American stance is brilliant. Certainly, he’s a gifted scribe. In fact, his 1972 review of “Cabaret” in the Village Voice, really hit the nail on the head. Baby Doc and I loved that movie and we both feel it was Liza’s best work. And Joel Grey’s performance was to die from. Just fabulous….really!!!!”

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German Chancellor Adolf Hitler: “Noam is alright….for a Jew”.

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North Korea’s very own Pol Pot revisionist, Kim Jon Il had this to say when asked about Noam:

“Oh yeah, the wife and I love just about every city in Alaska. We go to Nome every summer. She shops, while I go to a stream outside the city for some seriously righteous Salmon fishing.  In ’04, we bought the cutest little cabin nearby. We jokingly call it “The 38th Parallel–East”.

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And Oscar winning actor and ersatz anti-war potentate, Tim Robbins said this of Noam.

“Great!! Wonderful and very colorful. In fact, Susan and I have one in our garden next to the hydrangeas!  Very cute!   We want more someday!”

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6 comments

  1. OK, I didn’t get the gnome/Noam joke until the final picture. Didn’t even occur. Pretty funny.

  2. Okay Laurie–I think I have visited your site more recently than Drudge–and that is saying something let me tell ya! This post made me spit diet Dr. Pepper (nectar of the gods) through my tear ducts. Well not really but that sounds funnier than the truth–but seriously it was very funny. I will use “Chomsky” in a sentence in my next blog post–but not explain it. It will be a secret tribute to ya!

    🙂

    Murphy


    Well Counselor…I’ll accept the secret tribute. Our secret, OK? Mutatis…Mutandi but only when you have to. Glad you liked the post, too. I aim to please my fellow burnt orange bloods.

  3. Burnt orange? Should have known, Hook Em. My whole family graduated from The University. Dad used to take me to games and scrimmages. Rice had a rough one saturday and watching A+M eat words against Miami was a bonus.

  4. CHomsky looks pretty palatable as a sandwich… Perhaps he should get out of the business of writing books on politics and start a sandwich chain.

    *stomach gurgles*

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