A few months ago, I posted this piece on the similarities between human gestation and the first few months of a budding romance. My friend (Oh, let’s call him “Fred”) liked its tongue-in-cheek sarcasm and asked if I’d repost it.
I tried to explain this hip, new concept called “archives” but apparently, “Fred” isn’t the most absorbent spermicidal sponge on the pharmacist’s shelf. But sometimes, it’s best to do the kindly thing and just republish the post without saying a thing.
Then, you rush home, light a candle and say a novena of thanks and gratitude that “Fred” isn’t a blood relative.
So, here it is again. By special request .
I’ve been pondering love a lot lately.
And after watching a Discovery Channel show on childbirth, I began to see the correlation between fetal formation and love, especially in the early stages.
So, I did a little research and determined, there is indeed an inner-connectivity. Love forms and grows in the first nine months.–not unlike all three trimesters in the gestational development of a human child.
What??? You’ve never equated the two?
Well, I have. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:
Conception: He (sperm) Her (ovum). They meet. They exchange mutual ideas, while pacing around each other to see what their common ground is. Sizing each other as in to eventually try each other on. He tries to penetrate her defenses–she has many, but she is convinced– after some deliberation– that “full scale escalation of emotion and eventual coupling” goes along the lines of natural progression. There will be a proliferation of hormonal urges. So, she acquiesces and this man, this vital and necessary battering ram component to life, enters the picture.
Houston, we have insemination.
The seeds of love have been planted…and now you wait. If this is to be, it’ll take nine full months from mark, to see what you have; to full appreciate what you’ve created.
Giddiness is a Symptom One. Silly goofy, smiles assume the number two position on the symptomatic scale. In addition, there are metabolic changes. You’re nervous to be around each other. There is excitement…anticipation. Sleep patterns are affected; eating habits might be as well. Appetite affected exponentially. This is the honeymoon phase. You try harder to sell yourselves, look your best…behave your best. All the while, a layer of protection begins to form around the steadily growing zygote of love. The unwitting urge to protect this mass is strong.
Even so, there are “new relationship insecurities”. You might think it’s just the two of you alone in that bedroom, but I assure you there are three entities in that bed: you, your new paramour and all the silly little things that scare you to death.
The heart starts to pump adrenaline to all organs. You might experience palpitations. A certain degree of stress. New love makes you nervous…to the point of throwing up. And when retching over the American Standard porcelain bowl, isn’t the order of the hour, you have inexplicable craving to be with this other person. It doesn’t make sense—like wanting banana flavored Moon Pies and B-B-Q sauce as a dip. Yet, you want it intensely…and you never wanted that combination before. This is new. This is different. But all aspects of the relationship–it’s eyes, ears, legs and ah yes, the heart start to form. Corpus delicti de amour. You’re having a lot of odd-hour, hot, monkey sex. By that I mean not standard; other then at bedtime or first thing in the morning. You’re still polite with each other–a sense of decorum still exists. She still holds her stomach in when he’s around; he goes outside to fart.
If you had any doubts about the love/life growing inside of you, this is the month of reckoning, to some degree. You must decide now to deal with this new emotion growing inside of you. Your union takes on a more defined appearance of a relationship. Happiness still abounds. Equivalent to thumb sucking security. Perhaps it is by this time, that those three little magic words spew forth? You know what they are….
“Wanna meet Mom?”
The physical expansion continues. The urge to throw up is replaced by more cravings–by this time, certainly physical and sensual. You have dry mouth, a twittering in your stomach. Swelling of the hands and feet is matched ONLY by the swelling of emotions in the heart and soul. The sole too, because your feet are swollen as well. Why? The sexual dynamic has changed slightly. It’s not as rampant and and has been replaced for the need for more stimuli or inducement via chemical impetus. You two are drinking more as a prelude to carnality..the result? More drunken sex.
Even with a few tactical hiccups, you’re still the Mayor and First Lady of Blissville, but the routine between you grows more and more comfortable. You learn to get in concert….how to sleep together, walk together, talk together. You whittle through his/her habits–both good and bad and in the best if all possible worlds you have an even tempered, adult conversation about that habits that simply won’t jive. Doesn’t matter, she still gets “nipply” when she sees it’s him ringing in on the caller I.D.
Even though your love isn’t fully developed, it can sustain arguments and verbal assaults within reason at this stage. This is a pivotal month for the growth of your relationship. Make up sex is still quite decent.
Your love has an even better chance of sustaining should there be a birth of new emotions this month. There is clarity of thought, a better handle on your comfort zone with each other. The relationship is still new enough to possess some of that new relationship magic. You’ll probably increase visits to your shrink or analyst up to every other week now.
In the second half of the month, the relationship starts to reposition itself. In a determined, head down presentation, they’re ready to tackle whatever comes their way as a couple united. Besides, they’ve practically moved in with each other. He has a toothbrush at her house; she keeps spare panties at his. They have keys to each other’s front doors . In fact, this new and growing love is starting to take up most of the room in your home. You start to have conversations about “the future”.
You’re looking at your relationship with newly opened eyes. The view is blurry..in a necessary and amniotic kind of way, but the day nears when you’ll meet your love. Fully formed. You’re ready for this. You don’t mind eating in front of each other. You, and the relationship have lost a lot of the earlier formality is 0nce had. You’ve both let yourselves go a little. When naked, there are feelings of self consciousness . But you’re both wearing “love goggles”. She’s fine with her partner’s growing beer gut and he’s not bothered by the fact that her breasts now have to be rolled up to be placed in her bra.
This is it–a most crucial period. Delivery of happiness is either imminent or not. Both prepare for the birth of their love, which by now you at least have a hint at what’s its status will be five, ten, 20 years from now. You prepare for labor—the work it’ll take to make “forever and ever” come true.
This is the day you’ve been working on, the day you’ve been anticipating. You’ve taken good care your hearts over the past nine months, but anything can happen, right? Life is capricious; mercurial.
But you agree that whatever your love becomes, you both can handle it.
It is labor indeed. You place your feet in the stirrups of life and push to expel all the hostile feelings; Your partner encourages you to focus, to breathe. “Let’s give birth to “Us”!! It’s tough…it hurts…there is pain involved. Oh yes, it IS labor…make no mistake about that, you think to yourself. Finally, with encouragement and pushing, it’s done.
Your love is born!! Amid a myriad of applause, tears and laughter you say to each other, “I love you”.
And you mean it!
You and your partner are there, exhausted and exalted by the experience. Then life comes along and kicks starts it by smacking your relationship in the ass. There is pain; there is joy. This is life. And you two embark on that which you have created.
You’re in love. Real love.
Then it pays you back for all your hard work; for the emotional risks you took, by crapping all over you.
That’s when Love usually starts dating someone younger.