How I Beat the Over-Crowded ER Problem


Just this morning, I awoke feeling very ill. Nauseated with profuse vomiting. I had an excruciating pain on the left side of my abdomen, plus a high fever. I was praying for sweet death.

I had to go to the emergency room. But I didn’t want the fuss of an ambulance, so I called my friend, Martha and told her to rush over and take me to the nearest hospital. She said she’d be here as fast as she could, plus she also said she thought she had a way of eliminating that pesky problem of the “long ER wait”. I was too sick to give that statement much thought. I told her to hurry.

It took Martha 12 minutes to arrive. She burst through the front door and I was doubled up on the sofa. She was carrying something green in her arms. It looked like old Army fatigues.

“Geez kid, you look awful!”

“Then you’ll be pleased to know I feel just as bad as I look. Thanks. Let’s go now, please?”

She threw a pair of fatigues in my lap and said “Put these on first”.

I looked at her, convinced that all those years of abusing more drugs than Pfizer had in it’s entire inventory, had finally done her in.

“I’m sick, already dressed and in no mood to make any kind of fashion statement”.

By that time, another wave of nausea was coming over me.

“Trust me” was her only reply.

I climbed into the fatigues and she helped me button all the buttons on the shirt. She then slapped something above the pocket on the upper left side of the shirt. I didn’t bother looking down.

I asked, “What’s this for?”

“Something I downloaded from the Internet that will ensure Emergency Room expediency, my dear”.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, I asked.

“No waiting. You’ll see”.

And with that, Martha helped me out and poured my nauseated, fevered body into her car.

We arrived at the hospital in no time flat. Martha helped me out of the car and into the ER entrance.

We made our way to the front desk and then I noticed something odd–even in my sickened state. People in the crowded waiting room looked at me funny and then without saying a word, a majority of them stood up and walked out.

“What the hell?”, I thought to myself. I surmised that these people really weren’t that sick after all.

Martha and I sat down in the now almost vacant waiting room. Less than two minutes later, we were shown to an Examining Room. Turns out, I just had a severe case of the stomach flu. I was given a shot, a few prescriptions and sent on my way. In all, it took less than 45 minutes to get in, get examined, then get out of there. Not bad at all for an ER visit…one that would usually take five to eight hours–if not longer!!l

Martha took me home. I went into my bathroom to take off the fatigues and put on some pajamas and that’s when I finally noticed what Martha had downloaded from the Internet and slapped on the green fatigues I was wearing. It was a self adhesive sticker with a picture of a very particular patch on the front.

Care to see it? Here ya go!

Oh and uh, feel free to use it the next time you’re ER bound. It really works!

Please scroll down…


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6 comments

  1. Good for you.
    I’m amazed your not blaming it on tacos and fajitas. You must feel very proud of having terrorized other human beings, real proud. That’s OK. I just hope God never retuns the favor if you find yourself visiting another country.

    Peace.

  2. seems as though ms. maribel cannot get a joke. keep it up, ms. kendrick. you’re a hoot!

  3. nice blog but i am just asking why do u like longhorns or loghorns so much?


    Because I attended the University of Texas!!! It’s called collegiate loyalty.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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