My New Footwear


As some of you might know, I currently call Houston home.

It’s the global hub of the petro-chemical industry and one that is dirty, but vital. Energy always is and sure, as a result, our tap water is chunky, urine yellow in color and tastes like a sweaty Teamster’s navel and OK, maybe our sunsets actually wheeze, but HEY! You’re driving your car today in part because of Houston.

I like this city. I’ve forgiven in for its foibles and embraced it. I’ve heard all the jokes, too. The put downs. Houstonians are all hayseeds with big Bible Belt hair, even bigger sin filled boobs We drive pick up trucks and we’re rednecks and this is George Bush Country….blah, blah, blah. It’s popular to dislike Houston, but personally, I think it has many redeeming qualities, namely that it isn’t Fallujah or Mogadishu….

Or Cleveland.

It’s diverse culturally, has tremendous shopping venues and world class dining. Houston has three major sports teams…four if you include the Texans and yes, it IS cultured in many, many ways. We have wonderful opera and ballet companies. The Houston Symphony is world renown…

In these parts, anyway.

And contrary to what certain elitist snobs might believe, the city has a very real and very well respected intelligentsia. It’s home to the esteemed Rice University, one of the country’s most prestigious institutes of higher learning. And NASA’s Johnson Space Center is also here. This is where the astronauts train in very complicated classroom, mock up and real world environments. Brilliant minds teach and learn at the literal Think Tank that is JSC. How else would astronauts know about the intricacies of adult diapers, lower G.I. peristalsis, excretion and continence, plus the miles-per-bowel-movement ratio involved in the drive from Houston to Cape Canaveral, Florida!!

And yes sadly….everything you hear about Houston humidity is true. By and large the summers are very hot and when that’ s coupled with high humidity, well, “oppressive” becomes the adjective du jour, but this summer has been different. It’s been actually quite decent as Houston summers go. Warm yes; humid naturally, but not as hot as it has been in summers past. The mercury soared to 96 degrees only once….back in mid-June. Otherwise, it’s been a rather pleasant and fairly consistent temperature hovering in the mid-80’s most of the time. In Houston, we call that “damn near Autumn!!”

One contributing factor to the cooler temperatures has been all the rain we’ve been getting. For various climatological reasons far beyond my scope, it’s been raining every day since June 16th! The amount exceeds 45 inches, I do believe!

Considering that the city is situated above sea level at a height that in feet, is shorter than your run of the mill NBA player and coupled with the fact that the city’s is built on more clay than bedrock, run off is atrocious. So, yes it’s been flooding regularly. This is exacerbated by the fact that city is surrounded by rivers, marshes and bayous that have been known to spill out of their banks after one good, long drunken piss.

I’ve been spared so far….no face-to-flood- contact (knock wood) but you never can be too careful. My travels throughout the city take me all over…to hither and yon and back. So, one must always be prepared. That’s why when I went shopping for new shoes this past weekend, I kept Houston’s current flooding dilemma in mind. I found these adorable shoes that while cute, are just as practical as hell!

I’ve included a picture. Care to see them? Scroll down.

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MUCH more…

MORE!!!

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I said “MORE”….

Can’t you read??

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Wait for it…..

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OK, one more big one for Momma…

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Here you go!

Yessir– this summer, Manolo Blahnik can kiss my ass!

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4 comments

  1. I loved your description of Houston. I don’t think I want to live in a city with urine-yellow water, but I’m glad you enjoy your home and found things to appreciate about it.

    Don’t laugh at those shoes, they’re stylish and functional. Just because you’re a scuba diver doesn’t mean you don’t want to also look your best. What if you have a business meeting scheduled at the bottom of a lake? Those shoes have you covered.

    Plus, those are the only pumps available for the discerning female duck. I imagine that’s what Puddles, the duck from that joke you posted a while back, would wear. Am I wrong?

  2. Those look like they came out of a James Bond movie. Although an interesting idea, the trudge across the sandy beach must be horrific.

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