Thinking Fast

I watched, with some horror, news reports of the verbal onslaught caught–just in time for the May Sweeps–between Rosie O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hassleback.

Let me stress at this time that I didn’t see “Bitch Fest ’07” as it happened. I only saw it in news reports. To have actually seen it live would mean that I actually watch, “The View” and to admit that would be admitting that I’m a gay man.

Which I’m not…but we like many of the same things.

Anyway, as I watched a clip of said fight, I realized how completely uncomfortable it made me. I mean it wasn’t even a juicy fight. It was ugly and made everyone I know feel awkward and yelling for the director to cut and go..Go..GO to a commercial, please, but NO!!! With ratings as a motivator and the chance to maybe be at the helm on “Kimmel” someday, the director had the temerity to place these two haggish blow hards on a split screen!!!! That fight was milked! And considering Elizabeth’s prominently exposed and overtly pregnant fun bags, I thought it was in bad taste.

Let it be known here and now that I don’t like Rosie O’Donnell. I don’t care who or what she sleeps with–that has nothing to do with it. I just don’t like her brash approach to everything she does. Just because she has an opinion, I don’t care to hear it. Liberal, Conservative….Whig Party–I don’t want anything crammed down my throat. As for Elizabeth, I probably align with her more politically, but I’m not a fan. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see her caged in a medical research lab someday and forced to eat processed cheezy poofs, saccharin and nicotine 24/7.

She’s just that mousy.

I think another reason for my discomfort in viewing this nonsense was that it was so seemingly unnecessary. I thought Joy Behar–certainly, a true member of some brain trust somewhere—instigated the whole thing with her H&R Block’s 137 reasons to impeach the president which were all outlined in accordance with Al Gore’s new book…which has yet to be colored in, by the way.

I know….old joke.

Anyway, the so-called “barbs” that Rosie and Liz were slinging at each other were so damn lame. Beyond lame, really. I think that’s what actually made me uncomfortable. I was embarrassed that this fight was so…so beneath most of thinking America.

I deduced that these two chicks just couldn’t think fast enough on their feet. Pity, huh? I thought the round would certainly go to Rosie–the Non Riveting. But alas, it was a tie in banality.

So, I decided to comprise a list of fine and stellar examples of “quick thinking” and brilliant comebacks. I think Rosie and Lizzie could learn a thing or two.

Witty comebacks are as follows:

My Brother-In-Law was asked by his 11 year old son, “What’s a 69?”

My Brother-In-Law responded, “It’s the last year the Mets won the pennant”.

Brilliant.

*****************************************************

True story.

I’m in High School and had come home from some event and threw my purse down on the table. It opened wide enough to reveal a round, light pink compact looking thing containing a blister pack filled with 30 tiny, white pills…all marked to coincide with a specific day of the month.

My father was walking buy and looked into my purse. Picked up the pink blister pack and asked sternly, “What the hell is this?”

Without missing a beat, I answered… “It’s a Pez sundial”.

Grounded yes, knocked up? Never.

*****************************************************

A friend was having trouble with her marriage. The relationship she had with her husband was very acrimonious. They sniped at each other constantly….she was angry over his lack of affection and overall bad mood. He thought she had gained too much weight over the years.

One day, I met her at her house after she’d had a doctor’s appointment. We were talking about an impending procedure she needed to have when her husband came through the door. I braced myself for the nastiness.

I wasn’t disappointed.

He asked her about the appointment. She replied that they’d talk about it later. He then continued to press the issue and asked if the doctor mentioned anything about her “fat ass”.

Her answer? Destined to be a classic, she said, “No. He didn’t ask about YOU!”

Fabulous.

7 comments

  1. Hmmmmmmmmmm! Could Rosie be going thru the Men-O-Pause? Or she(?) just likes to fight all the time?? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

  2. Come on now Christ…ine. I thought the collective ‘we’ were all well on our way to graduating The U of Hate. Founded by jerry falwell and that venomous phelps. Rosie will always be outspoken and obnoxious. Hasselback will never, ever notably imprint scociety.

    an original quote: If you’re not on the cover of this week’s enquirer, you’re career is slipping.

  3. I watched the clip and it should become Webster’s new definition for the word “Lame.”

    At least no jell-o was involved in their tussle.

  4. Damn those Whigs… Oh how I hate them and their support for increased power in the legislative branch over the executive. And don’t get me started on their “modernization and economic development” program.
    Antiquely,
    Citizens For Andrew Jackson in ‘38
    P.S. I totally nailed the point of this post.
    P.P.S. Wikipedia denies all knowledge of this comment.
    P.P.P.S Pez Sundial! Hilarious

    Brian,
    I love brilliant men who “get me”.
    LK

  5. smashing good post…
    a question though…beneath most of thinking America?
    by most do you mean 6 of the 7 or a smaller percentage?

    Sadly, yes.

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