American Horror Story

American Horror Story /Coven: Episode Four

American-Horror-Story-CovenWe begin with scene of a young African American male child, barely in his teens riding a bike on a nice, residential street in New Orleans.

So????

This was New Orleans in 1961 and based on the racial issues that existed back the , the reasons why this was a scene destined to end horribly are as clear as black is black and white is white. He’s pursued by a truck full of white men, obviously racists, who are hell bent on keeping this lad from riding his bike in what appears to be a white, middle class neighborhood. A couple of the fellows look like inbred rednecks, the other is a Jack Ruby Fedora wearing clone. The teen takes an unfamiliar sidewalk In an attempt to lose Whitey, but finds himself trapped by a dead end.

The next scene is in black and white and it’s a large tree in some field. Anyone with any knowledge of America’s more tragic history knows as sure as a Jim Crow flies, this is a lynching. The large noose confirms it.

His mother runs to the body of her boy and in the crowd stands a very angry Marie Laveaud. Apparently, the child’s mom works for her at her Ninth ward hair salon. This lynching has just been made even more personal.

An angry voodoo queen is a dangerous voodoo queen. Marie goes to the back of her shop, and starts drawing on the floor (we now know that means something bad is about go down) she starts convicting a potion, then sets it on fire in this lovely Horchow urn. She slices and dices up a few snakes, chants as drummers drum and the next thing we know, corpses reanimate from their graves and respond to her revenge spell. They find the lynch mob and kill them all in gruesome ways. And the best part about these AHS zombies??? They’re armed. In fact, they rose from their graves with weapons AND murderous intent. There are zombie farmers with pitchforks, confederate soldiers with muskets, an unscrupulous accountant with a Ponzi scheme.

Well apparently, this starts a ten year war between voodoo witches and the members of the coven, who are all, in some way, direct linear descendants of the original witches who lived in Salem circa 1692.

Then, we go back to last week when Fiona murdered Madison, but this time, we sit unfold from Spaulding, the mute butler, who minutes earlier dropped the needle on his Victrola, so he and his massive doll collection could enjoy tea with background music. He hears a noise, heads downstairs and witnesses Fiona turning Madison into a human Pez dispenser. As he roles up the young witch’s body in a area rug, Fiona hears a noise and goes into the backyard to investigate. It is a very injured Queenie lying in the grass with a bloody, gasping stomach wound. I’m thinking she was gored in the gut by the rutting Minotaur she tried to seduce last week. While still lucid, Queenie rats out her attacker as his silhouette rises out of the ground with ample backlighting and Fiona seems to know what it is and what to do with it without even looking in its direction. She knows it’s Sebastien, Delphine Lalaurie’s slave/houseboy who she killed for bumping stinkies with her horny daughter two centuries ago and Sebastian just happened to be Laveaud’s boyfriend. The Voodoo Witch sent him to the school where Delphine has been staying, working as a maid, in order to exact revenge.

raggedy ann and andyThen there’s a knock on the door and in a hat tip to bewitched, in walks a odd looking trio that comprise The Witches’ Council. They only assemble when there’s trouble brewing in the coven. The council is lead by Mert, played by whacky fashionFrancesConroy_Sml designer, Betsey Johnson. The hair is a chili powder red, rarely seen outside the Raggedy family. It’s actually the actress known as Francis whose last name is something Irish sounding, who portrayed Moira the Older in season one and the black winged Angel of Death last year.

We learn that the council isn’t happy with Fiona in her role as Witch Supreme. She’s a drunk, flakey, vain, self centered and lousy at her job. They believe she had something to so with Madison’s disappearance, just as she did with the missing Supreme she replaced (nice way of saying murdered) in 1971.velma

As it turns out, I believe I am to assume that based on camera dissolves between past and present, Mert and Fiona were classmates at Miss Robicheaux’s school back in 1971. Back then, Mert was mousy, bookish and homely, not unlike Velma, from “Scooby Doo”. She and Fiona don’t like each other and that’s made crystal clear when it’s announced that the old Supreme is missing and presumed dead, Fiona will assume the throne, providing she can pass seven special tests, based on each power a Supreme is supposed to have. At dinner with a menu no doubt consisting of braised bat wings, tangy toad tandoori and eye of newt, young Mert tells a fellow witch seated to her right that she hates the way Spaulding dotes on Fiona and feels sure he knows that Fiona is involved in some way with the former Supreme’s disappearance. So after dinner Mert goes to her room and recites Latin on coins and ultimately, places a spell on Spaulding’s tongue, rendering it incapable of uttering a lie. This will help Mert in her pursuit of the truth since the next morning, the butler is supposed to testify in front of the Witches’ Council investigating the formers Supreme’s whereabouts.

Spaulding overhears this and later that night, summons Fiona to the bathroom where he tells her, his last words will be that he loves her. He grabs a straight razor and cuts out his tongue. There, problem solved. A tongue can’t lie when it ‘s no longer intact. Now we know why he never speaks and why he seems so mindlessly devoted to Fiona.

We also find out what Fiona did with the Minotaur. She cut off it’s head and sends it, a la Don Corleone, to Marie Laveaud. She opens the box, and screams , especially when the the bloody, severed bovine head winks at her. This gets her crazy mad and once again, she goes to the back room and starts drawing on the floor, chanting, slicing snakes and in the end, sends a well- armed militia of zombies to stand and sway ominously in the front yard outside Miss Robicheaux’s school holding everyone inside captive.

At least I think the blinking cow head was the Minotaur….or it was Elsie, perhaps????    Not sure.

Episode four ends back in Spaulding’s room, an audience of dolls witness him in drag, wearing an antique peignoir and night cap. He goes to his closet and pulls out a very old wedding dress that Vera Wang would HATE, and takes it over to the corner where Madison, in a very advanced state of rigor mortis, is seated in a chair, holding a team up.

What comes next? I’ve nary a clue.

A FEW THINGS OF NOTE:

1) Cordelia’s husband is out of town on business. He picks up a chick who he meets on Craigslist, they have sex, he howls upon climax and then in the middle of a post coital of vending machine soup, he shoots her in the head with a very shiny gun. He’d did tell her that he went as a monster last

ahs spaulding

Halloween. Perhaps he’s reprising that role this year. Not all monsters have gills, tentacles, sharp fangs and eight clawed hands. Not sure what any of that was all about.

2) Spaulding was in the front yard decorating for Halloween. He was assembling what looked like an homage to the Burning Man bonfire mascot. He hugged it after adding the arms, and well, call me a romantic, but I thought that was how he took care of either Madison’s body or that of the Minotaur. Well, in the end we found out that it wan’t Madison under all that burlap.

3) After getting pissed drunk on Maker’s Mark at a local bar with mummy, Cordelia excuses herself and goes into the bathroom to yak. As she’s washing her hands, a very short Druid in the next stall exists with a glass in hand but it contains acid, which is thrown in Cordelia’s face. Huh?????? A voodoo warning of disfigurement????

3) But before the acid attack turns her face into a Dali painting, Cordelia tells her mother and the Witches’ Council that Madison might be missing, but it’s not because she’s the next Witch Supreme. Apparently, the new head witch has to be in perfect health which Madison ain’t. Madison had a heart murmur she mentioned to no one. So, who is the next Supreme? Don’t count out Queenie. Remember when she was in bed, bloody and gored and Cordelia lost her pulse? Fiona breathed life back into her and felt very weak afterwords. The big deal about the transition between Supremes is that the old one feels her power weakening. Keep an eye on Queenie in upcoming episodes. Nan, (Addie from season one), as well. Cordelia could be the right full heir to the throne. Spaulding too.

4)  Zooey goes back to Incest Manor and finds Kyle the Human Quilt still bloody and zombie eyed from kill his mother lover last week, so he’s banging his head against the toilet.    She decides that’s a fine time to go in the kitchen and make him tuna salad.   Just as she’s adding enough Hellman’s to make it nummy, she looks up and spies a big ol’ box of rat poison.    She will kill the very thing she helped bewitch and stitch together.   When she brings him a bowl of the tainted tuna, he’s gone.  She runs to the front porch and sees nothing, just a bunch of people   in costumes.   It is Halloween, after all.    Kyle will just fit in with everybody else.

5) And lastly, why were the members of the Coven dressed in various shades of black and white throughout the entire episode? Was this to stress the age old concept of good (white) versus evil (black) and that each member can at any given time, possess their share of both traits???

See ya next Wednesday for episode five. As previews indicate, there’s a lot at stake for one witch….literally. She’s tied to one and Cordelia looks poised to light it, with a cigarette. Please oh please, let the ciggie be a Salem.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY III: Coven Episodes 1 & 2

Image

Let me describe in my own words, what I think of season three of the AHS saga so far:    style over substance.

I can take that one step further by admitting I fell asleep twenty minutes into this past Wednesday episode.

While still better than last season’s bouillabaisse of silly badness (Nazis, aliens, zombies, serial killers, sadistic nuns, Anne Frank, homosexual rehab sessions, demonic possession,  microcephaly, evil Santas, caning,  murder, suicides, asylums and more gore than any politician named Al) I still find it in dire need of ……in need of….well, I’m not quite sure.

But with just two episodes in, I’ll give it till Halloween to win me over.  I am nothing if not fair.

It’s got a great premise:   it’s all about black magic and witches in the witchiest city of all–New Orleans.   And acting wise, its got major star power.  Jessica Lange is back, this time as the Witch Supreme.   Sarah Paulsen returns (she was Lana the Lesbian Reporter last year.   Taiisa Farmiga is back.  She was Violet of the Bad Attitude in season I.  This go round she’s a witch, with a killer vagina.

Literally.    More on that in a bit.

Evan Peters returns.  He played Tate in season one and an accused wife killer last season.  In reality, wifey had been inducted by aliens in episode I and returned later just in time for the season ended. I don’t know.  Season II was largely forgettable.    This time, Evan plays a Tulane frat rat named Kyle, with a fairly decent portrayal of an Orleanian diphthong,  BUT….he dies in a horrific bus accident in the first episode.     But like Frankenstein’s monster, he’s returning for more action.    As we learned in episode II, this was a horrible, horrible accident.    He was terribly dismembered, as was the rest of the occupants.     They were in a rented party bus hightailing it away from a mixer at the Frat House after gang banging Madison, an actress witch with telekinetic powers (played by Emma Roberts, daughter of Eric and niece to Aunt Julia).  When  revived from the Roofie  she’d been given, Madison ran  out to the street and willed the bus to crash, killing all the rapists, including Kyle who never touched  her.    In fact,  he was the only who attempted to stop the assault and was dragged on board the bus prior to the escape to keep him from ratting out his randy brothers.

Taiisa Farmiga’s character Zoe, fell for Kyle earlier at the party.  Because Madison killed her boyfriend in the crash,  she promises to do Zoe a solid, so they  break into  the morgue and found the section where the dead frat boys were kept on ice and realized that the victims had all been terribly dismembered in the accident.   So, like an old fashion quilting party, they decide to create the perfect boyfriend, using the best parts of each victim. Kyle’s head, someone’s bitching torso, another guy’s arms, legs, hands, etc. and  and other parts I’m sure and they sew all the bits and pieces together, while performing  an ‘incant’ over him and voila!    Kyle is slice once again—-Uncoordinated and mono syllabic as hell, but alive.

Mary Shelley would be proud.

And Addie is back.    Jamie Brewer, the Texas actress with Down Syndrome is back this season playing Nan, a witch with incredibly well honed psychic powers.  Hats  off to the writers and producers for allowing this actress to just portray your basic witch with all knowing abilities. No mention of her “handicap” in terms of this role.  Nicely played, Hollwyood.   Dennis O’hare was Burned Guy is season one.     He’s back this year as Spalding,  the school’s mute butler/man servant/factotum with long, stringy  Edgar Winter-ish hair.

Lilly Rabe returns.    She was Mrs. Montgomery is season one, the possessed nun last year and this go round, she’s a witch with the powers of necromancy.    She brings the dead back to life.   A re-animator, if you will.    Lilly has always been one of my AHS stable of actors.     She’s spunky.    Plus, her mother was none other than the late,  great  Jill Clayburgh.    A talented

actress who’s star rose and fell in the late seventies, early 80’s.    Back then she was most ubiquitous.  In every movie, or so it seemed, paired up on theater marquees with Burt Reynolds and other A-listers of the era.    Her stock fell in the early 90’s.   Yes, she had the gall to age and well, Hollywood frowns on natural body processes. Her last film was “Bridesmaids” in which she played Kristin Wiig’s mother.    She died from a lengthy bout with cancer shortly after the film wrapped.

Kathy Bates joins the cast this year who plays New Orleans socialite Madame LaLaurie (love the last name, by the way),  a very real New Orleans character who back in the early 1800’s, treated her slaves and servants with a form of sadism that would make Dr.  Mengele cringe.   I like La Bates in most roles and hope she can pull this off.

Angela Bassett is given a co-starring role as well.  She comes on board as Voodoo Queen, Marie Laveau. Apparently, Voodoo and witchcraft are like big rival union bosses in the magic underworld of New Orleans, so we can expect lots of story lines about pins stuck in dolls vs. bubbling cauldrons.

Speaking of Bassett, she has never looked better.   She’s absolutely stunning in this role.    The woman’s skin is incredible.   Still beautiful.

Gabourey  Sidibe rounds out the cast as Queenie.    Remember her from the movie, “Precious”?    She too is a witch,  and her powers involve being a human Voodoo doll.   She can shove her arm into a frying pan filled with breaded shrimp just a bubblin’ away and she wouldn’t feel a thing—but her intended victim would.   His arm would–out of the blue–turn beet red and blister up.   Next thing you know, it’s goodbye arm, hello charred cinder stick.       As for the others, Zoe kills during the act of mating.    Nan is psychic,   Madison has telekinetic powers (you know, like Carrie)  and Cordelia (Sarah Paulsen) is the school’s Headmistress.   She’s a witch too but so far, her only power seems to be having a green thumb.  She’s a bad ass gardener. We’ve yet to see her mojo. Cordelia is also the daughter of Fiona (Jessica Lange), the witch Supreme, who possesses all the powers combined, including some pretty bad ass saliva.

Queenie is a direct linear descendant of Tituba, the slave girl was the very first person in Salem to be accused of consorting with the devil.    She was arrested and jailed for her crimes, but never convicted.    After she was released from prison after squealing on several other young girls in the community who were tried and executed (read Arthur Miller’s The Crucible or watch a few episodes of “Bewitched” circa 1972…the season which they learn son Adam also has powers) everyone lost track of old Tituba.    It was never really discerned if she was actuslly practicing witch or not, but I think every time the Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots have a bad season, the answer becomes clearer.   Payback’s a bitch.

In fact, all the young sorcereses have connections to the first American witches in Salem circa the late 1600’s.   After the first few were executed, the sourcing witches remained anonymous as best they could before seeking the safety of asylum in New Orleans. Behavioral problems forced the families of these young women to end them to a very special private boarding school in New Orleans.  It’s like a Hogwartz for girls to help them use their powers wisely and to perpetuate witches and witchcraft for posterity. Seems like in being born a witch was an abortion stimulus in the world of Coven:  Season III.   Self-hating witches  wanted the buck to stop with them so they either elected not to procreate in the first place or aborted the babies before being born, named Tabitha and given the chance to turn a toy horse into Thomas Edison, thus forcing daddy Darren to convince a potential  client AND boss man, Larry Tate that their firm,  McMann and Tate had their best  advertising interests at heart and should be given the account.

Lilly Rabe’s  character, Mist Day,  will eventually join the girls at the school.   Just for bringing a pigeon back to life in the middle of some uber religious strychnine drinking service outdoors, she was  burned by her fellow church members.  Guess she did a number on herself lilly and mombecause she was popped up and surprised Zoe after she piled Mr. Piecemeal Kyle into the car  to escape the morgue.    They had to because shortly after Kyle came back to life, he and Zoe were  discovered in the morgue by an employee.  A fight ensues with grunting and screaming and bing, bang boom,  Zombie Kyle suddenly becomes a murderer facing 20 to life.

But Misty Day can  bring Khim back to life where he’s able to speak and walk and the best part of all?    If he and Zoe decide to date, sex will be a breeze because he’s already dead!!!

In other AHS Season III news, Madame Lalaurie kills a slave who happens to be a boyfriend of Marie Laveau, so with the help of a lynch mob of current and former slaves,  she drugs Lalaurie with a potion that gives her eternal life.   She’s then wrapped in chains, placed in a coffin and buried alive  on the Lalaurie estate.   She lived through wars, racism Katrina and Huey long!!!

Back to present day…

On a field trip with the young witches, Fiona (Jessica Lange)  takes them on a tour of the notoriously haunted Lalaurie House.   Nan looks down psychically under some bricks and realizes there’s a casket buried below.     Fiona, who’s obsessed with eternal life and beauty, realizes it must be Madame Lalaurie down there somewhere.    She hires some guys to exhume the coffin and when it’s opened, out plops a very alive, but very dirty Madame Lalaurie.    Fiona wants to know what her secret for eternal life is.  So she kidnaps Lalaurie, takes her back to the school and ties her up and gags her.    I’m not sure why this is important to Fiona.  In the opening sequence of episode I, you can see her in the crowd at a witch’s execution in 1692 Salem.     I’m no  Pythagoras,  but wouldn’t that make her something like…..321 years old this year????  She still looks pretty good to me.

Then there’s a scene from episode II that pits old rivals Marie Laveau and Fiona exchanging words on a battle field that that comes in the form of a black hair salon in the Ninth Ward.     Fiona goes there, perhaps seeking a process, and perhaps, seeking chance encounter with her old nemesis, Marie Laveau, who just happens to look great in cornrows AND also owns the shop.

I’m leaving out a lot and this review is rambling.  My apologies.

In closing,  I’m not in love with season III.   Not yet, anyway.    I’ll give it a few more episodes,  but it better hurry and congeal into a solid form of entertainment.    I don’t think I’m asking for much.   I’m just a viewer who likes a cohesive script.  I hate Swiss Cheese story lines, those with gaping holes that lack logic. Especially the ones that are never addressed.  In season I, we never learned why Murder House had become Murder House and why dying on property guaranteed your ghostly return.    In season II, we never knew the reason why the Nazi doctor created the zombie creatures that lived in the woods behind the asylum or the relevance of the aliens being in the story line or why they abducted hot chicks only to return them pregnant before the season ender.

Wait…that might actually be fully explainable.

This  year,  I’d like to see less of Fiona’s version of Krav Maga.   When pissed or threatened, she can body slam people by teleporting them against the wall. Not impressed. I want more intrigue.   And more magic that makes sense.    Thank God for special affects.   If we are to witness magic performed in Coven, I for one, am most grateful that  special effects have improved   since the days of flying ash trays courtesy of very visible fishing lines in the days of  “Bewitched”.

We shall see what the coming weeks will bring and I will continue to bring to you my take on the latest episodes of the newest season of American Horror Story.      But if the producers and writers really want to make me happy, insert a character like Aunt Clara from Bewitched.   You know, an older, kind hearted, but eccentric witch who’s magic has run a foul, a victim of her years.    Well kids, I wouldn’t be surprised if I get my wish.  I have a feeling that perennial AHS actress, Francis Conroy (she was milk-eyed Moira the Older maid in season I and the black winged Angel of Death in season II)  will fill that bill.     She had a brief part in the first episode when she (in a carrot orange wig wearing Dark Shadows chic) was in the scene when Zoe was taken by black-suited Albino thugs in RayBans and forced into admission at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies in New Orleans,  set at a lovely, very large, all-white Greek Revival home adjacent to the tracks of the St. Charles line, who’s front gate some friends and I tee-tee’d near, one very drunken night while partying in the Garden District of New Orleans.

A streetcar named Pissoir.

Indeed.

American Horror Story/Asylum: Episode Nine

It was an episode that would have made Margaret Sanger cringe.

Lana is pregnant with Dr. Thredson spawn and this doesn’t sit well with our incarcerated print reporter, mainly she was raped while being held hostage then was almost killed and secondly, she a raging lesbian but the biggest reason, I would surmise,  has everything to do with the fact that  Daddy is a maniacal serial killer with a thing for female skin .

Off the bone.joan and hangers

She decides to go all Joan Crawford on her uterus, so while in the midst of a little kitchen duty, she steals a coat hanger from a uniform cleaner’s rack and goes back to her cell to take matters into her own hands.    Apparently her Briarcliff version of a back alley abortion merely ‘scrapes the surface”.   She’s still pregnant and through the satanic omniscience, Sister Mary Eunice (Devil with the Black Dress, Black Dress, Black Dress….Devil with the Black Dress On) informs us that not only is the little fetus alive and well,it’s also a boy.

We meet ‘this boy” in the beginning of the episode.   It’s present day when we get to see the hunky Dylan McDermott–in a much more likable roll than that of P-whipped Ben Harmon–and he’s sought the help of a therapist who specializes in obessive compulsive disorders.   He has recently learned is the “SON OF BLOODY FACE” and like father/like son, he loves to skin and kill women.      Her specialty is smoking cessation  and she soon realizes that she’s not at all equipped to handle a patient with all his issues.  Hell, I don’t think a SWAT team is capable of dealing with this boy’s problems.    He begs her to help him because he knows his own murderous lineage and he’ll no doubt kill again and again.

Long story short—-he kills the therapist and her secretary.

We’ve also learned, however that he has moved into his father’s old digs which included the Basement from Hell which held Lana hostage 50 years ago and these days,  holds that  young just married chick who looks like an odd melding of Selena Gomez, Mila Kunis and Tobey Maguire.  We see her strapped to a gurney, Bloody Face Jr. in full cara and he’s about to skin her.

We all realized last week that after Jude stabbed another serial murderer after he attacked her, she’d become an inmate at Briarcliff and that this bit o’news would be a high point for so many nuns who she misused and abused.    But this was only attempted murder.   Lee Emerson is still alive…just a flesh wound in the neck and he tells police that he saw Jude kill the Security Guard.

She didn”t.

Sister Satan slashed his throat outside Emerson’s cell.

H;’s convinced the Father Narcissist (the monsignor) who has grandiose dreams of papacy and world domination that he’s a new man, repentant for his murderous ways and wants to walk a path of righteousness with the Lord.   This makes the Monsignor happy to no end.  What a coup for this guy!!   To be able to change a maniac…to convert him back into a contributing member of society.    An every man—who just happens to have killed 18 people over one long Christmas weekend back in 1962.

He turns the table on the priest and attempts to drawn him in the baptismal font.   The next time we see the Monsignor, he’s been crucified–literally–strung up on the cross in Briacliff’s chapel.   The next thing we see is Moira the Milk Eye maid from last season who this go round, is the Angel of Death, approaching the priest as he asks for help.    Does he live or die?   We’ll have to wait for that answer.

And Sister Satan freed Dr. Thredson who Lana and Tate/Kit had tied up and hidden in some dark, dank storage room.    And this doesn ‘t bode well for Lana.  She told him that she was pregnant thanks to his baby batter and he begged her not to abort it or give it up for adoption.  He would hate that since he knows a thing or two about the child welfare system.    Nope,  says Lana.   The baby’s a goner (or so she thought) and so will Dr. Thredson.  She promises to return to kill him’

But…

Not before Lana managed to get a confession out of Thredson–who he killed and why–and Tate/Kit was hiding in the wings with a huge solid state reel to reel recorder.  He got the whole thing on tape.

Anyway, she comes back to the storage room to keep her promise.  Her weapon?   The same coat hanger she thought she self aborted with.  Apparently if you bend it in half a couple of times its stable enough to stab–at least a feather pillow.

But when she enters the dark storage room, Thredson isn’t there.   His bindings are on the floor.  He’s loose!!!!!!

The scariest part of tonight’s show was watching a frightened Lana wander through the darkened halls after discovering he’d been set free.  I felt Dr. Crazy around every corner.   Lana was armed only with that coat hanger, adrenalin and a survivor’s instinct.   She doesn’t run into Thredson, but as mentioned earlier, she has an encounter with Sister Satan in the hallway and she gives us the impression that she will see to it that Lana’s baby has to be born at all costs .

In another odd plot twist, Dr. Arden actually shows Tate/Kit a little kindness and compassion.   He catches Tate/Kit hiding the recorded tape  reel of Thredson’s confession (which will exonerate Tate/Kit from the Bloody Face accusations) but there’s no punishment.  Instead, he invites Tate/Kit into his office, offers him a ciggie and pours him three fingers of a delightful 18-year-old single malt Scotch.   He tells Tate/Kit that he believes his story about the aliens because he encountered them too.   Even made a plaster cast of the ostrich like claw footprints that were left in the dust on the floor of the death chute.  If you remember, he was hauling off Grace’s body after she’d been shot by the Security Guard two episodes ago.   As he’s about to drop off the body, he hears the damnedest noise, sees a bright light and a fraction of a second later, he opens his eyes and Grace’s body is gone.

Several episodes right after the start, he removed this strange metal spider-like critter from Tate/Kit’s neck.  He’s convinced that these alien beings are studying Tate/Kit.   It seems every women he has sex with, eventually gets abducted.     Arden fee;s sure that if Tate/Kit is about to die, they’ll come for him, allowing Arden to figure out who and what they are.  So he decides to give Tate/Kit an injection with a needle that I swear was as long as a Jedi light saber.

Right in the heart.    Tate/Kit convulses; has a heart attack and clinically dies.    Arden knows he has about a four-minute window to resuscitate Tate/Kit, but just as his pulse slows to a stop, that damned bright light and noise is coming from another room, indicating the aliens are in the house.    Arden runs out of his office to investigate.  He opens a cell door to find Pepper the Pinehead attending to a very nude, very pregnant Grace huddled in the corner.    Pepper insists the baby is in a breach position and she can help.

Oh really???   The tiny noggin with boobs is in Briarcliff for drowning her sister’s children and cutting off their ears!!!!!

Episode nine is the last one for 2012.  We’ll have to wait a few weeks for episode ten.   It’ll air January second.  The previews indicate–at least the passing glance I gave them–that Jude might have an exorcism in mind for Sister Satan.     We know she goes to the forest dressed in Jude’s red lace slip,  maybe for a little sexual tryst with the Arden’s creatures????    We’ll also have to wait till then to find out if Arden missed the deadline to inject Tate/Kit with life restoring adrenaline.  We’ll have to wait to find out Grace’s story; whether Thredson finds Lana….what the deal is with Son Of Bloody Face 2012…and if the monsignor swapped spit with the Angel of Death.  If so, he’s out of the story line.

Guess his contract was up.

So, it’ll be a while before we commune again on this subject.   I hope you survive the Mayan apocalypse and if so, it’s my wish you have  a wonderful Christmas and a stellar New Year.

But in the meantime, I’ll leave you with this:    I know this series is pure  is fiction and the writers at AHS writers have always allowed room for the inane and  incomprehensible,  but I like at least a  soupçon of credibility.  Therefore,   it’s really bothering me that the inmates,  Lana and Tate/Kit specifically, manage to get out of their locked cells all the time and roam the halls completely undetected.  How does this happen?  And not only that,  how do  they get access to recording equipment and knives, phones,  and stuff to bind hostages———BUT flip-wilsonthey can’t escape the asylum?????

I only wish real life could be written with such implausible plot twists as this season of AHS.

It reminds me of this one time back in sixth grade, circa 1970,  when I got into trouble.    I don’t remember the infraction, only my mother’s reaction, which was pure rage and I was facing being grounded for three months–tantamount to juvenile house arrest.   I tried to avoid getting three months ‘in the hole’ by flippantly telling my mother the warden an excuse for my actions.  It was one of the silly platitudes of the era…that  ‘the devil made me do it”.  

Man, that was the longest six months of my life.

American Horror Story/Asylum: Episode Eight

Tonight’s offering:    Unholy Night.  American-Horror-Story-Season-2-Episode-8-Unholy-Night-2-550x366

And yes, based on what I watched for roughly 42 minutes, I’d say it was.

Loved the intro.

It’s a few days before Christmas, 1962.  A one Mr. Lee Emerson is a psychopath who kills a red kettle, bell ringing Santa Claus in front of a closed grocery store.  He takes the suit and breaks into a suburban home where  he befriends a little girl who hears a noise and comes downstairs.  She greets him and acknowledges that Santa has a massive blood stain on his chest.  He’s playing  with the electric train encircling her FABULOUS aluminum Christmas tree.   He ends up killing her mom and dead after tying them up with Christmas lights.   What happened to their daughter–the one  with the badly feigned New England accent we’ll never know.

And I had to laugh at all the double entendres he offered his victims, one he threatened to rape, both he made clear he would kill:

  • The difference between that Santa and me is that he only comes once a year
  • Come on,  there’s always at least one big ticket in Santa’s sack.

A year later, we’re invited to a  Christmas party-slash-photo op in the Common Room at Briarcliff.   Mr. Emerson is there with the other inmates and yes, he’s shackled.   Apparently, Mr. and Mrs. Suburbia and Santa Claus weren’t the only people he killed.   There were 15 murder others that night.    Sister Jude is ramrodding things and making it clear she wants Emerson in the photo–front and center–to assure residents in the area that he’s in custody.   Well apparently, ‘thems fightin’ words” to this mass murderer.  He then does his best Hannibal Lector impersonation and bites the face and neck of one of the orderlies.  For his actions, he’s sent to solitary confinement somewhere in the bowels of Briarcliff.

Speaking of bowels, Dr. Arden admits his Nazi past during an interesting session with Sister Satan.   He offers her a large pair of ruby earrings.  She goes gaga over them.  The devil loves anything red, dontcha know.  She asks where he got them;  if they’re a family heirloom.  He tells her no, they belonged to a wealthy Jewess in one of the camps who kept the jewels hidden by swallowing them over and over again…even to the point of digging through her own feces to find them….only to swallow them again  She didn’t want the Nazis to have them.      Well, she ends up dying of intestinal sepsis and internal bleeding.  Seems all those jewels wreak havoc on a human G.I. tract.  This little tidbit doesn’t bother Sister Satan in the least.

But the fact that she greedily accepts the present–in spite of its horrific past—concerns Dr. Arden.   He realizes that this isn’t the Sister Mary Eunice he once fantasized about.  No this…this thing in a nun’s outfit is evil and with his past, he ought to know.   He meets with Sister Jude who’s been banished from Briarcliff.   He realizes they need to join forces to fight Sister Satan.   And yes, both  Arden and Jude know that the devil is inhabiting the young novice’s body.  But this only proves to be a scheme to prove the ex-Nazi’s loyalty to Sister Satan and the power pact they have between them.  You know—world domination.    You can take the boy out of the Reichstag, but can you ever take the Reichstag out of the boy????

In fact, in an earlier scene, Sister Jude sneaks back in to Briarcliff and bends over Sister Satan and holds a straight razor to her neck, telling her that if she kills Mary Eunice she’ll free her soul and banish Satan back to hell.   Sister Satan says that’s crap and that all she can do is cane the devil out of Mary Eunice.   All of a sudden, the cabinet door opens and several stage hands who are off camera, throw canes at Jude’s hunched over butt.

Another funny scene takes place in the Commons Room.    Sister Satan is hosting a Christmas party for the inmates.  There’s a tree but because of Sister Jude’s hard assitude, there are no ornaments.  So Sister Satan improvises.  She cuts bows off female inmates heads–hair still attached.  She uses empty pill boxes….even one inmate’s dentures.   Festive.

Meanwhile, Lana discovers Kit is in a bed next to hers in the hospital.  She tells him that she was kidnapped by Threadson and he’s the real Bloody Face.  If you remember, she’s still recovering from a massive accident two weeks ago and of course ,he was injured battling one of Dr. Arden’s in the kitchen last week.   Remember, one of the guard’s shot Grace who jumped in the way to take a bullet for Kit who’d escaped from jail and returned to Briarcliff to rescue her.    She was recovering from an erstwhile hysterectomy at the hands…er uh…at the ‘tentacles” of  space aliens which apparently, also inhabit that bullshit barn of horrors.   All guards were given a ‘shoot on sight’ order.

As for the dead creature, all we know about him or it,  is that one of the guards is having a bout with conscious and feels the cops need to be called in.  He references one of them–dead in last week’s attack–hidden away in some room.  Dr. Arden says nah, don’t involve any outsiders.   So, now we know he’s going to die which he does–later–because Sister Satan slashes his neck and plans on blaming it on Emerson the Killer who she allowed to play Santa Claus at the part in the Common Room.  He’s sitting there, an inmate on his lap.  he propositions her.  Something about getting savage with each other and sucking something.  Sister Satan  then sigs him on Sister Jude who came back to Briarcliff as a ruse to kill Sister Satan.

As for that part of the story, just as Emerson is about to rape Jude (he’s already beaten the crap out of her) she finds a letter opener on the desk and jabs him in the neck.   He bleeds out and keels over.  But does he die?    Not sure but I do know this much:    irony of ironies, what Jude did will all but ensure that she ends up an inmate in her own asylum.   Revenge is a bitch.

Lana sneaks into an office and finds a phone to call the authorities and in the process, is found by Dr. Threadson who learned of Lana’s post accident whereabouts in a news story.  He’s about to strangle her when Kit suddenly bursts through the door and bops him on the head.  Lana insists  she needs to kill him but Kit says no, he needs Threadson alive because he’s the only who can prove he didn’t kill his wife or anyone else.  They tie him up. As the scene ends, Lana says one day, “I’ll bury you”,.

Hhhhhhhhmmmmm…interesting.

Lastly, Threadson is seen escorting Grace’s body (that child has been on ice for a week!!) down the Death Chute when suddenly, he hears an ear-piercing noise and bright lights.   He passes out for a flash and VOILA!!!   Grace’s body is gone.   They aliens already have her uterus.  They came back for the rest of her.

A couple of things to note:   Lana is seen earlier heaving up her lunch in a bed pan…only thing is, she tells the nun/nurse she hasn’t eaten.   I’ll ask the obvious question here.  The one we all have:  could she be pregnant??

WITH THREADSON’S CHILD???????

And could Dylan McDermott (who thanks to a preview of next week’s AHS, we learn will make an appearance), be Bloody Face, Version 2.5???     A few episodes back, the opening scene included several murder victims all strung up in the rafters of the current dilapidated Briarcliff.   It included a phone call made to the cops.  Someone saying that he’d been a ‘bad boy” and that imposters are dead at the old asylum.  The voice sounded like Mr. Mac and if that’s the case, that would sure answer that timeline question we’ve all asked about Bloody Face then and Bloody Face now.

With Dylan McDermott as  The Son Of Bloody Face, that would explain how the maniacal acts are still being perpetrated more than 50 years later.

We shall she, kiddies.   We shall see.

American Horror Story/Asylum: Episode Seven

Hosting eleven for Thanksgiving dinner  last week precluded  me from commenting about episode six though God knows there was a lot to discuss.   All I can say is “Baby needs colostrum” now joins “show me your mossy banks” in the pantheon of exceedingly strange AHS phrases that have peppered the dialog this season.   I have no doubt there will be more to come.

Tonight’s episode, “Dark Cousin”, focused on that age-old literary struggle, good versus evil.

A new character named Miles is fighting schizophrenic voices as he helps prepare sandwiches in the Briarcliff.   A nun is using a meat slicer to hack off some bologna when one of the voices tells Miles to grab it by the wrists.   The next scene, he’s on a stretcher,  there’s blood everywhere and on the wall, scribed in the crimson stuff is a word.  It looks like it’s spelling out “one” in funky lettering but when Sister Satan enters the room, she informs us that its ancient Aramaic.  She then she asks our Bleeding Buddy on the gurney if he summoned “her’.

‘What? Huh??”, inquires the dazed self-induced hemophiliac.

He’s wheeled away and placed in a room as a panicked Sister Satan runs amuck, obviously bothered by the fact that  “one” is now at Briarcliff.

The next scene we find a restrained Miles telling the guard he doesn’t want to be at Briarcliff any longer.  In fact, he no longer wants to be in this world any longer.  When the guard leaves, a woman in black  appears at the foot of his bed.   At first, I thought it was actress May Steenburgen  She looked familiar.  It was Frances Conroy, who played  Moira the maid last season.   The older milk eyed version.

She reminds Miles that he in fact, summoned her and then asks if she can basically kiss him and make it all better.    She puckers up and when she does, she sprouts black wings that while large in terms of span, look awfully paltry feather-wise.    They were sparse;  like something you’d find in a discount costume shop.   She obviously has killer kisses.   Miles dies.  Just then, she realizes that someone is at the cell door.

It’s Sister Satan.

She walks in; they recognize each other.  Black Angel Cheap Wings calls her “Cousin” and soon realizes that as angels go, she’s the fallen one.

Lucifer.

And she knows that he/she is inhabiting the young nuns body.   For a second, Sister Mary Eunice comes screaming through possessor.    Sister Satan  reclaims her host, and sends Black Angel Cheap Wings away saying she’s already done what she came to Briarcliff to do.

I’m assuming this is the Angel of Death, sans the large scythe and cloak and hood.

She also pays a visit to Lana after Threadson rapes her.  Incest on top of serial murder???????  What a cad!!    But Lana tells her ‘no’.

A little back story;  we learned last week that he felt Lana was his ideal mother figure.    But it seems that even homicidal maniacs have a conscious and a disdain for their own Oedipal issues.   He decides his indiscretion was reason enough to waste Lana, but a struggle ensues, she bops Threadson over the head with the photo of Wendy, her lover and manages to break free.  She runs out of Threadson murderous pied à terre and on to the highway where wouldn’t you know, she flags down one a driver, which happens to be one of THEE angriest misogynist on the planet.

He hates women; holds them responsible for every pain and misery he has and pulls out of gun and shoots himself as his ’61 Plymouth goes out of control and careens into a tree.   Black Angel Cheap Wings makes an appearance in the backseat and once again offers Lana a homecoming, but declines once again.  The next thing we know, Lana is back in Briarcliff and under Sister Satan’s care.

She tells the horned one that Threadson is Bloody Face and that his tastefully decorated home has a basement of horrors.  Sister Satan remembers conveying this while possessing the body of the Farm Boy ( yet another serial masterbater that we met in Episode Two).  He told Threadson who was in attendance that he appreciated his handiwork.

Sister Satan believes Lana, then sedates her, assuring her that she’s safe.  No one knows she’s at Briarcliff.

We also learn that Kit/Tate escaped from prison.  He’s on his way back to Briarcliff to get Grace who was abducted by aliens and Kit’s wife a few weeks ago.  Remember?   The performed an ersatz hysterectomy on her.

Sister Satan tells Dr. Arden that he  botched the sterilization that Sister Jude ordered after she caught Grace and Kit screwing around.   Arden denies it all and resents the way Sister Satan is addressing him.   He’s about to hit her and she goes all Reagan McNeal on her and like a scene out of the The Exorcist, telekinetically bitch slaps him and like Fathers Merrin and Karras from the movie, flings him half way across the room.

A classic coup’d tat deftly handled.  And Arden knows all too well there’s been a transfer of power.

The story line with Sister Jude is getting interesting.   She’s been reassigned and his leaving Briarcliff, but has to handle a few things first.  Like getting the Nazi Hunter she enlisted a few episodes ago to properly deal with Arden, who we all know was a doctor within the Third Reich.   But Sister Satan killed him with a piece of mirror.   A large shard right to the jugular!

Jude finds him in a bloody mess in his bathroom.    She calls an ambulance but stops short when she senses he had died.   And he does.   Black Angel Cheap Wings appears out of nowhere kisses him (this has got to be the proverbial kiss of death).   Last week, he lived long enough to tell Jude that one of her nun’s was the perp.

Jude looks up and taped on the TV screen is a news article from 1949…a story about the little girl she hit while on a drunken bender.   There’s a few flashbacks and we see Jude in her civies sitting in the sadly appointed living room of a typical New England couple.   They are Missy’s parents, we soon learn.  Missy is/was the little girl in the blue coat that was out playing in the road late one night; the hit and run that changed everything.

Well,  in walks an adult Missy in a nurse’s uniform.

She survived????

Huh??   How did Sister Satan not know this???    Maybe because Old Scratch can only get in our heads and root around to get at our biggest fears and guilt trips.    Therefore, if Jude thought Missy Blue Coat Front Bumper Fodder was in fact dead, so would Sister Satan.  She’d play off that.

Earlier, Jude imagined slitting her wrists in the Tastee Freeze bathroom.   She walked out and encountered Black Angel Cheap Wings who she recognized.  Seems Jude has threatened to take her own life many times before.  The two are old pals.   She tries to talk Jude into finally letting go; seek the peace only Black Angel can offer.

“Let’s French!!!!”, she all but suggests.

No, insists Jude.   There’s at least one more thing to take care of before that ultimate swappage of spit.  And that was to confess to Missy’s grieving parents which ultimately, created one helluva monastic tap dance in the living room of Missy’s parents.   Jude was dumbfounded when Missy and her cat eye glasses walked into the room.  She’d spent 13 years thinking she killed Missy.    But was injured and there’s still the matter of the hit and run; the failure to stop to render aid.

Lastly, Kit/Tate makes his way back to Briarcliff and darts in and out of the tunnels in an effort to find Grace and run away with her.  He bursts through the kitchen door.  She’s eating  a snack with a nun.   Yes, she’s better now—up and walking around thanks to the miracle of sulfa drugs and Bactine administered by Dr. Arden, earlier in the show.   But the guards know he’s an escapee and have been ordered to shoot him on sight.    one was nearby and heard the nun scream.  He goes into the kitchen; sees Kit and shoots, but Grace ends up taking the bullet for him.  Shot in the gut.    Then one of Arden’s forest dwelling human eating creatures with the single quail plume-like dreadlock thing hanging from his head attacks the guards, then Kit, but Kit gets in one good lick and stabs him in the stomach and his entrails or something, falls all over the kitchen floor.

As Grace lies there, Black Angel Cheap Wings appears above her and yes, they kiss and yes, Grace dies.

She is free, she whispers.

Then we’re treated to next week’s previews.   It’s the Christmas edition of this season of  AHS.  Nothing says Yuletide quite like a crazed inmate in a Santa suit.  Can’t wait.

As I mentioned in the beginning, good and evil are the focus here.  It just so happens to these two things converge at an asylum.   One thing is becoming apparent—from Arden’s Nazi past, to Grace’s murder of her family and of course, Sister Jude’s crazy ass life, evil is a part of  man’s existence on this Big Blue Marble.   We have to deal with it.   Try as we might, we can’t erase that which we’ve experienced, nor can we turn a blind eye to it.   All the characters this season hammer the point home that the evil and good are real;  they exist independently, but they can’t co-exist, not without consequences.

That said, I’m beginning to think that the asylum is like some form of Purgatory.  For those not raised under the tent of Catholic dogma, Purgatory is the condition of purification or temporary punishment before entrance to the Pearly Gates.   Here’s the ecclesiastical 4-1-1, kids.

According to the Church and Wikipedia,  immediately after death, a person undergoes  judgment in which the soul’s eternal destiny is specified. Some are  united with God;  others reach a state known as Hell, the  eternal separation from God often envisioned as a fiery, sulfur smelling place of punishment, misery and Lawrence Welk  records.   Apparently, it’s by one’s own free will that a person enters into the state of hell.  It’s willful entry.

Conversely, one could argue that would apply to the opposite destination.  Those who die in a state of grace are believed to be prepped and readied to  move on up–to the Eastside.  To that dee-lux apartment in the sky….eye….eye.

You know, Heaven.

I know that’s thought process, especially when applied to this show, is as insane as one of Briarcliff’s inmate.   I tried to approach last season from a psycho/social mindset and I couldn’t have been more wrong.    There was no Miltonian metaphor.  No deep seeded Faustian explanation.  The house was merely haunted.   With ghosts.   Phantams.  Spectors…Ronnie AND Phil.

But all I know regarding this season so far is simple: if there IS a purgatory, a place for those who lived the worst life  to be  given the choice of redemption and head north….↑ (towards the sound of harps)

or south↓ (where da brimstone at!!!)

Briarcliff would be it.

American Horror Sstory/Asylum: Episode Five

My..my..my..my..my.

Dr. Threadson revealed he is Bloody Face.

Or did he??????

Why would the creative team of Falchuk and Murray shoot their wad so quickly?  I mean, the identity of the person behind Bloody Face is this season’s Latex Onesey Gimp.   And by the way, I still feel that one of last year’s MAJOR AHS plot flaws was a failure to reveal anything about this black shiny masochistic device, as in why Tate wore it.  Why he killed while wearing it.  We all knew he could kill without it.   Remember the exterminator in the basement?   There were other murders he committed without the suit as well.

So, why reveal five episodes in that Threadson is Bloody Face?

Okay, I’ll accept that he might be a murderer–he might even be the real Bloody Face,  but I’ll bet you ANY amount of money that BF version 2012 isn’t Threadson, unless he’s also gotten that Dorian Grey thing down.  Remember, this season takes place in 1964.   For Threadson to still be whacking and hacking today, he’d have to be in his 80’s.  The Bloody Face that attacked the haunted house touring honeymood couple, Adam Levine and the Mila Kunis/Selena Gomez clone in the first episode, sure was agile and fast for an octogenerian.

We’ll have to dissect this further once we learn more about Threadson and his plans diabolique for future female victims.

Meanwhile, LOVED the homage to Ed Gein with the nipple’s clearly visible in the lampshade made out of skin in Threadson fabu 60’s bachelor pad.   Old Eddie was one extremely interesting homicideal maniac who was the inspiration behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence of The Lambs.  He’d kill, rob graves and keep trophies of his exploits.   A chair made or real human args and legs, etc.

Even the candy bowl on Threadson’s coffee table was the top of a skull.   Cool, as was the trap door in his…uh “work room”.    If you remember, Threadson took a fancy to reporter Lana Winters and promised he could/would rescue her from Briarcliff.   He made good with her promise.   He walked her right out, put her in her front seat of his car and even told an aproaching gaurd sent by Sister Jude to find him, that he no longer worked at Briacliff.  In fact, he insisted that the guard tell her that “he never had worked there”.

Makes me wonder if he was ever really a shrink and just a well educated maniac who lied his way in to Briarcliff to find who or what he was looking for.  I mean, hey–for a serial murder with a penchant for crazy, asylums make victims ripe for the picking.   And after last night’s episode, it sounds almost like Lana will be spared because she’s a reporter and this murderous psychopath-slash- narcissist wants his story told.   Perhaps Lana will get the story, but she’ll have to go tbrough  HELL to get it written.  He took the face off of Lana’s lover who he attacked in episode two and made a mask out of it.    He crudely placed her teeth in and around the lips and asked Lana to give it a big old wet one.

Nercophelia is bad enough, but add dismemberment to the issue?????

Ed Gein was in to that, too.

Also, I’ve inclined to think that Grace (the French chick with the shag haircut) never went under the knife for her sterilization.  I think she was abducted by the aliens from her cell (which by way, looked very much like the one Adam Levine’s wife hid from Bloody Face in).   She was awakened by this approaching bright light and grinding metal on metal sound and just before we went to commercial, we were offered an extreme close up of Graces face and eventually her eye, and in a pinpoint light next to her pupil,  you could see an image of something–it was either an octopus….a Portuguese Man of War…..OR….one of the tentacled but benevolent aliens that greeted Jodie Foster on the familiar beach of her mind in the movie, Contact.

Did anyone else see that or was I just having an acid flashback?

Anyway, she’s on an examining table on some nebulous sound stage and has some strange encounter with Alma, (I think that’s her name)  which was Tate’s wife that was supposedly killed by Tate/Kit, but as we know, was actually abducted by aliens.   So does this mean Alma is alive and living happily among the aliens or….did they simply need to move into her body to appear human to dupe the humans??????   You know aliens are.

Anyway, the next thing we know, she’s sitting in the  Commons Room and bleeding vaginally.    Tate/Kit sees her and thinks she was sterilized.  Just then the guards come in with the police and arrest him for all the Bloody Face murders.   They say they have his taped confession.

Which was something Threadson made him do in an old reel to reel recorder under the guise if he heard what happened in his own words there would be a better psychological connected to what really happened–or some psycho-babble shit.  Threadson sent the tape to authorities giving them their Bloody Face and allowing Threadson to continue to thrill-kill willy nilly.

No, I don’t think Grace was sterilized.  I think she was either crudely impregnated by the aliens or had an impromptu hysterectomy, not sure which.  I say this because of the conversation he and Grace had in their adjoining cells.   There was a lot of talk about wanting children…especially how much he and his wife Alma wanted kids.  I feel there’s a connection there somewhere.

I also loved Chloe the hobbled nympho’s appearance at the bottom of the stairs near the school.   Sister Satan told Dr. Arden that she took her out to the woods.   Nah, she tossed her down the stairs just like Regan did with Father Karras at the end of The Exorcist.    The stairs even looked like the ones in the movie and lest we forget, the demonic connection is shared in the story line.  As we’ve learned over the past two seasons, Falchuk and Murray are not above pilfering (lovingly so) from their favorite horror movies.

Then there’s Anne Frank, supposedly Charlotte Brown, a housewife with one helluva bad case of postpartum psychosis.   After having her baby, she became obsessed with Anne Frank and assumed her identity.  Whether she’s Anne or not, she knew enough to be able to  completely out Arden as Herr Doctor Gruber or Gruper, an insidiously cruel Nazi SS  physician who toured the Concentration Camps performing ungodly experiments on inmates.

Eventually, Charlotte’s husband has to bring her back to Briarcliff–he can’t handle her and Arden performs a lobotomy on her.   She goes home and transforms into this Stepford Wife who’s in the process of throwing away all her Nazi homework.   But she didn’t get to all of the copies of photos and newspaper stories on the wall.    Just as episode five comes to an end, the camera keys in on one remaining photo hanging there.   It’s one of Hitler standing at a podium in the midst of some anti-Semitic/Final Solution speech and behind him is a scowling decorated SS officer and of course, it’s none other than,  Dr. Arden Gruper Nazi SS Angel of Death Sadist Tool.

Lastly,  did Sister Jude actually go out on the town, and with her red lipstick, seduce up a man at a bar and sleep with him?    Or was that just a fantasy of her previous life or of a life she wants to live outside of her monastic confines????    Arden did say he was going to press charges against her because Anne Frank lifted a gun off a visiting detective and shot Herr Doctor in the leg.  Just a flesh wound.

Sister Jude said the charges meant that it was over for her.  She was done.  Tooth pick inserted in the center and removed crumbless.

Here’s what I think:  Threadson will keep Lana hostage in his hellish lair o’death forcing him to write his biography….a hat tip to the movie Misery, perhaps.   Sister Satan will become increasingly more demonic and will form an unholy alliance with Arden to rule Briarcliff and with the help of the aliens, develop maniacal, imperialistic designs to eventually, THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll bet Grace is pregnant.  Tate/Kit somehow gets a ‘get out of fail’ card and we’ll learn more about the human eating, forest dwelling creatures,  a sorority in which  the hobbled nympho will surely be blackballed.   Perhaps, the tubby teacher who saw her attempting to slither up the stairs near campus, will call the cops who’ll be able take her to the hospital where she might still be verbal enough to prove that she’s a prime example of Dr. Arden’s handiwork.

And then…maybe the Simon Wiesenthal-esque nazi hunter that Sister Jude contacted will finally get his man.

And in turn, so will Sister Jude.

Probably won’t be able to offer up an overiew of episode six next Wednesday.  I’m cooking for 11 people for Thanksgiving in my lovely, semi-well appointed new home.    I’ll be up to my armpits in dressing, cranberries and Kendrick holiday  mayhem.  See you back here for Episode Seven in two weeks.

Also, my epic piece on JFK assassination facts will be published Tuesday.  this year marks the 49th anniversary of his death in Dallas.  I’ve done a lot of research on regarding lots of little known facts about the case.   Interesting read, if I say so myself.

Until then have a great holiday, kids.

Oh and have a turkey leg for the hobbled Nympho.

American Horror Story/Asylum: Episode Four

A bar fly is admitted to Briarcliff for observation.

Mandatory, I suppose, and the reason why is that she took umbrage to a few anti-Semitic remarks by other bar patrons.   This enraged the petite Semite who apparently went Sharia all over the bar.     The long arms of the law embraced her and she ends up in Briarcliff, where ‘treatment’ is to begin the next morning.   This little morsel will serve as a delightful experimental blank canvas for the likes of a sadist like asylum hatchet man–and I mean that literally–Dr. Ardin.

Speaking of, he injects Chloe the nympho whose legs he hacked off right around the knee during last week’s episode with something that he says could would/could make her live forever.   I am assuming that she’ll soon be one of the creatures living on sloppy human seconds out in the woods.

Meanwhile, Lana The Reporter and psychiatrist, Dr. Threadson are becoming friends.  He admits to her that he doesn’t think she’s ill–ill being a big ol’ Lesbian and furthermore, he thinks he can cure what ails her.

Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, the new girl is in the Common Room writing someone with the monotonous Singing Nun warbling on the Victrola in the background.    Lana warns her that she’ll get a caning if anyone see’s her writing.   She puts her pen away just as Dr. Ardin strolls into the Common Room.  A look of recognition rushes over her face and she approaches him.

“You!” she screams.  “You were there!!!   At Auschwitz.  Don’t you remember me doctor?  I am Anne.   Anne Frank!”

And then there’s a tussle with the guards and we go to commercial.

Okay, let’s check the math of this new plot dealio.     Anne Frank was 15 when she died in Bergen-Belsen.  Now, had Annie survived as she explained to Sister Jude, she’d be around 34 in 1964.   Plausible for plot purposes?   I guess so.  The woman claiming to be Anne Frank looked 34-ish.   She explained that she had actually survived the Death Camp but was very sick with typhus during its liberation and in the ensuing mayhem, slpped by unnoticed.   She was able to recuperate and eventually married an American soldier who brought her to the States.   She said she learned of her celebrity status when she realized her diary had been published, but insisted on living an anonymous life in the US so the legacy of an amazing 15-year-old whose diary would become required reading for every school age kid on the planet…except maybe Afghanistan…would endure.

She also told Jude that she recognized Arden as  Hans Gruber a high-ranking Nazi SS physician who was stationed at Auschwitz, where Anne and several members of her family were initially taken after their arrest .  She said he practiced all kinds of horrific experiments, especially on women.   He’d pick an inmate, take her into his lab from Hell.  She’d return days..sometimes .weeks later as some kind of  spaced-out zombie.

Her character has the slightest German accent.   Nice touch.

Meanwhile, two detectives pay Briarcliff a visit.  They want to speak to Dr. Arden about roughing up that prostitute in Episode Two.  Remember the one he made wear a nun habit and show him her ‘mossy banks”.   She apparently pressed charges and told them about those kinky photos she found in a dresser drawer WHICH included Nazi stuff.

MOST RIDICULOUS SCENE OF THE EVENING

In Dr. Threadson’s treatment of Lana includes aversion therapy.  She’s forced to look at slides of women in various cheesecake poses.   She’s also been given morphine–I think–which makes her throw up periodically.  The theory is that she’ll soon associate a pic of a hot chick with abject nausea, hence aversion therapy.  When that doesn’t seem to work, he brings in an Ashton Kutcher lookin’ fella who’s nude and tells Lana to study his parts.   She does and nothing happens.   Threadson tells her to reach out and touch him, she does, then he tells her to touch herself.

She does, but only ends up puking.    A reaction I could have predicted.

As this goes down (or doesn’t go down) Sister Jude has gone to Briarcliff head collar in charge–we’ll call him Maxie Priest— to tell him that Dr. Arden has got to go.  He’s a perv and a war criminal.  When the Bishop asks her how she knows the latter bit o’info, she tells him that Anne Frank, the new inmate told her.  He looks at her with a feigned look of incredulousness–mainly because he knows that cat is a perv and a war criminal.  In fact, when Jude leaves his office, he calls Arden to tell him the jig up and to ‘take care of any housekeeping”.  Aw man, what a downer!!   He gets this news JUST as grabs a fresh new syringe with the hobbled nympho’s name on it.

Jude is also battling with the fact that Sister Satan has busted her about her drinking.  She told Maxie Priest that Jude was a drunken pile of crap when addressing the inmates after the movie during the storm.   She redeems herself and her guilt by threatening to beat AND neuter  Grace (the French chick) and Tate (whose accent gets more Bostonian as each episode progresses)  for getting caught having sex in the kitchen while making bread.

We also learn later that Arden still intends to have a little fun by forcing Anne Frank into his lab.  He’s angry that she’s been telling everyone he’s Nazi sadist, Dr. Hans Gruber.

She says  nien, nien!   He vas most certainly at Auschwitz.

Nien, nien insists Herr Doctor.   He’s from Scottsdale.

HA!   Great line.

He then locks the door so the fun can begin, but she pulls out a gun, one she pick-holstered from one of the detectives who came to Briarcliff to investigate Miss Mossy Bank’s accusations.  She shoots Arden in the thigh and demands he gives her the keys.   He does and when she opens the door, she finds the legless nympho in a various state of physical transformation.  Her face was all contorted.

Forgive me for saying this, but I looked at that screen and I know that was a banged-up Hank Williams, Jr–minus the beard, shades and attitude–lying on the filthy laboratory floor begging to be shot in order to be taken out of her his/misery.

IN CLOSING

Tonight’s episode was strange.   It was more disjointed than usual and almost completely devoid of Sister Satan who’s quickly becoming my favorite character.   Previews indicate she’ll be back next week BUT the big question is–will Lana be back?????

Threadson’s brief tour of duty at Briarcliff is almost up.  He told Lana that he fully intends to take her with him when he leaves.  He doesn’t know how he’ll do it, but he says she’s going home, which in plot-speak, is a cue for something dire to happen to one or both of them.

I think Threadson has the hots for Lana.   Her lesbianism is a kinky, turn on to him and her so-called treatment and cure are just ruses.     If he can free her from Briarcliff, perhaps he thinks she’ll be grateful and offer up a little sampling of her mossy banks.

Then again, he ALSO said that he saw a lot of himself in her.  Perhaps THAT means he’s a big old closet queen and by getting intoher  head (maybe literally speaking) he can wrap his head around his own homosexuality.

But before we put this bad boy to bed, let’s take a gander at the current character salad that’s being tossed before our very eyes:  we now have walking dead, flesh-eating forest creatures, carotid artery dwelling spiders, space aliens, serial killers that wear fleshy masks,  chronic masturbators (that scene with chronic handyman was HIGH-larious yet somewhat disturbing), Lizzie Borden ax wielding killers, more entrails on display than at a butcher’s shop, the reincarnation of Anne Frank, a Dr. Mengele wanna-be, lesbians, threats of sterilization, one hobbled nymphomaniac, a nunlet possessed by Satan him or herself and one fantasy of Lana winning a HUGE award for in-depth reporting of all the atrocities at Briarcliff.   Then the scene in which she explains how she escaped, segues to her entering Threadson’s office asking when they can begin therapy.   So then does that mean  her winning the award a fantasy?    Was it a flash forward?   A flash backward per chance?????

I think the writers are putting plot lines in a salad spinner and whatever manages to break the grip of centrifugal force and float our of the opening, gets inserted into the script that coming week.  Seriously.What’s left??   I guess  I’m waiting for the episode featuring a transgendered witch named Rolley, a Visigoth who’s into tartan plaids and a talking ocelot with a penchant for baking pretzels.

AHS is….was and always will be as illogical as a Pollock painting.   I don’t even think Dr. Arden could dissect its plotline appropriately.

Yet, I still watch.

See ya next week.