There’s A Special Place in Hell For:

devil

  •  People who refuse to corral their shopping carts after offloading stuff to their cars and trucks.   They just leave them in the parking spaces.  The front bumper of my car had intimate knowledge of such a cart this morning.     I suppose I’ll be levelled with the eresponsibility for supporting any cartlette by-products from this unholy encounter
  • Those who insist Dane Cook is funny
  • The current writers and musical guest bookers on Saturday Night Live.   While I can  still comprehend most  the zeitgeist in the sketches, I have no idea who the majority of the hosts or the bands are.    To hell they must go for reminding  me I’ve aged.     And heave one in my direction for still trying to watch that damn show
  • Nicholas Sparks who writes stories that only fuel  the hopes of all hopeless romantics
  • Whoever wrote the scriot for the movie, “Jerry Mcguire”. He/she introduced us to thee schlockiest  line in all of filmdom:  “You complete me”.   If I hear that uttered in one more wedding vow or in a conveyance of one’s own love story,  I shall wretch on the person seated to my right with Vesuviun velocity.   There will be consequences and it will have texture
  • Sellers who don’t disclose the little annoying things that are wrong with the house they’re trying to sell
  • Shoppers who change their minds about purchasing that half pound of liver, so they leave the stuff wherever they happen to be standing.   The aisle isn’t important;  returning  it back to the butcher section would require “effort”.   I fully intended to buy a box of  cheese crackers this morning.   Instead, I reached to the back of the shelf and  pulled out a vile smelling  Styrofoam tray filled with shrink-wrap covered bovine cirrhosis specimens.
  • Tiny penised man who insists on putting huge tractor tires or whatever they are, on the axles of a basic pick-up
  • Thirty to mid forty somethings–gender unimportant–who go to bars and order Pina Coladas
  • Those who don’t mouth the words “thank you” or wave in gratitude when you either let them pass in a single lane or allow them into traffic from a drive way or parking lot
  • People who insist Scott Baio has been annually robbed of the “Best Actor In A Comedy Series” Emmy since 1977
  • Justin Beiber.    Why?   I’m not sure.
  • Madonna’s ego
  • Madonna’s stylist
  • Former presidents who can’t stand the stillness of their lives once out of office.  After a certain point, the limelight only exacerbates one’s wrinkles and blemishes
  • D-list celebrities who compete in crazy reality shows just to keep their names in the trades.         “Celebrity Circumcisions on FOX” ….Gennifer Flowers on “Celebrity Natural Gas Fracking”….The surviving cast members  of “Gilligan’s Island on “Easy Celebrity Urology:   Detecting The Presence of Nitriuria  and Coliform Bacteria In Random Urine Specimens  Donated From Willing Participants of The Black Panther Party (Members Circa 1968)””  on ABC  Thursday at 9:00 PM Eastern/8:00 Central …..and….. Kathy Garver , TV’s Cissy from “Family Affair” on “Celebrity Wheat Harvesting”, tonight on RURAL-TV
  • People who blithely break other peoples’ hearts
  • People who refer to terrorists as hooligans 
  • Certain members of a certain family made famous by infamy who insist on using the word “like” in every sentence.    The whiney, nasal-infused monotone in which they speak, doesn’t help matters.  HINT:  One member of this glitterati’d klan is ripe with fetus and from all appearances, carrying it in her ass
  • Stress fractures
  • Visible moles and/or sebaceous cysts large  big enough to include their own Black Diamond Ski trail
  • People who drone on and on about how happy their family lives are  in the open display case that is Facebook
  • Boring Chinese Food
  • Bloating
  • Nazis
  • Napoleon’s tailor
  • Visigoths
  • Baloney burps
  • Three out of  the last five of my boyfriends.  They know who they are.

And after my new book is published, the world will too!!!!!!!!!!

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2 comments on “There’s A Special Place in Hell For:

  1. There are some extra-moist Depends on a few guys after that last sally. You hooligan you.

  2. Karol says:

    and don’t forget the self portraits on facebook. that really chaps my ass!

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