Recipes For Disaster

But only if you don’t follow them AND if you don’t prepare them with love…for love.

Eeeeeeew!!!!  

Then is this a blog about cooking??? Rreally???   Has someone finally domesticated the unbridled Houston maverick???

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking–what the hell Kendrick doing posting a blog about recipes?  Perhaps, I am softening in my old age, but yes,  I am becoming something of a champion for the culinarian.

I do this by attempting to become one.   That said, I will announce

here and now before both of my readers that I do believe that I am quite possibly, simply, madly falling in love.  The object of my lunacy is  wonderful man who titillates eight of my five senses.  He is wonderful in ways that even I, wordsmith that I pretend to be, can’t even summate.  He is real and kind and generous with his time and his affection and spirit and the best part?  He’s not an evil or a narcissistic psychopathic blog troll.

He barely knows what a blog is.   Isn’t that great????

This ridiculously handsome and talented gentleman has Latin blood coursing through his venas and is quite the foodie.  Because of pre-existing conditions (progeny who have yet to learn of my involvement with their Pater), our Christmas will be spent together, but a few days early.   To celebrate, we are commemorating the birth of our lard–I am baking and going to great lengths to impress this man.  He already knows certain things about me that he loves (and accepts) and I feel it’s only fair to continue this on-going audition for the a supporting role in wifery, but this time, in the kitchen.

And yes, you read that right.   I plan on getting this coveted part based on my ‘performance’ on the casting counter.

So, here’s what I’m planning to prepare in order to properly seduce this man through his gullet.   And this time, it will be just vis a vie baked goods.  I will plan an all out gastronomic assault through my Mediterranean cooking prowess at some other holiday.  

My fail safe Ass Kicking Brownies.

 Now, while not homemade, these have been known to make grown men cry and write love letters to portly  actress, Kathy Bates for no apparent reason.

• Take a box of any brownie mix with walnuts.  
• Prepare as directed, BUT add om 1/2 heaping cup of malt powder.  Even Ovaltine will work in a pinch.  
• Mix in, pour into lightly greased pan BUT…for the extra added ooooomph,  once the batter has been poured, place whole Treasures milk chocolate caramel candies (by Nestle) in the batter about a half-inch to an inch apart.  Make sure the Treasures are submerged in the batter. 
• Bake as directed and then let cool. 
• You can cover it with chocolate morsels, marshmallows and/or  a light dusting of powdered sugar….if your pancreas in amenable.

The photo below has the caramel on the top.  I prefer to puut it in the body of the brownie.   Either way, these scumptious confections are one bodacious yum fest.   Pure ass food, cause it will make it grow.  

 f

There is a famous cafeteria in Texas called “Luby’s”.  It was at one time, one of the best places to eat.  Great food with a homestyle spin and one of the best things that cafeteria ever produced was/is a Butternut Brownie Pie (or as we called it “Luby’s Pie”).  Made with merengue, pecans and bits of graham cracker.  It’s sweet but not overly so, light and airy and simply delicious.

Ingredients:

• 4 extra-large Eggs Whites, at room temperature
• 1/8 teaspoon Baking Powder
• 1/8 teaspoon Cream of Tartar
• 1 1/4 cup granulated Sugar
• 14 Graham Cracker Squares, broken into 1/2 inch pieces
• 1 cup Pecan Pieces
• 1 cup Whipping Cream
• 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla
• chopped Pecans

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 300 degrees. Lightly grease 9-inch pie plate. 
2. In large mixing bowl, beat egg whites and baking powder until soft peaks form. Add cream of tartar, beating constantly. Add 1 cup of the sugar, a tablespoon at a time, beating constantly until stiff peaks form. Using rubber scraper,fold in graham crackers and pecan pieces. Spoon into pie plate 
3. Bake 30 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool completely on wire cooling rack.
4. In chilled small bowl using chilled beaters, beat cream just until it begins to thicken. Add remaining 1/4 cup sugar and vanilla and continue beating until stiff peaks form. Do not over beat.
5. Top pie with whipped cream. 
6. Sprinkle with pecans and refrigerate until served.

Here’s the incredible finished product.  The merengue stiffens and crisps up ever so slightly and the graham cracker and pecans add a wonderful texture.  Delicious. 

I made this for myself and a few friends last year.  It was so good I wanted to sex myself up.

And I did.

Lastly, the baking tour de force of the desert persuasion wouldn’t be complete without a representatives from the World of Cookies.   I have one nominee for this category.  It’s a cookie I saw St. Paula of Dean prepare on her Food Network Show.

She calls them “Hidden Mint Cookies”.    Simple recipe, but since I don’t like mint and if Mama don’t like mint in her cookies, Daddy don’t neither.  Therefore, I’m going to make a slight adjustment.

Ingredients:

• 18-ounce roll refrigerated sugar cookie dough (make sure its cold and stiff) sliced 1/4-inch thin
• 14-ounce package chocolate mint wafers (like the smaller York Peppermint Patties, I suppose.  But I’ll use the leftover Treasures Chocolate Caramels that I didn’t use in making my Ass Kicking Brownies.  Now, keep in mind that because the cookie is small, cut the Treasures pieces in half.  Trust me, this slight recipe adjustment is a winner!!!)  
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 tablespoon coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans, or enough to cover top of cookies

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Slightly grease a cookie sheet. Place slices of sugar cookies on sheet, about 2 to 3 inches apart.
3. Top each with a chocolate wafer or carmel.  Cover wafer with another slice of cookie dough and seal around the perimeter.
4. Brush dough with a beaten egg.  Press nuts into top of dough.
5. Bake for about 10 minutes.
6. Let cool completely.  

Absolutely stellar with a glass of cold milk.

So, there you go.  This new man in my life makes me happy.   I feel like I’m on emotionally solid footing for the first time in….well, perhaps the very first time ever in my adult life. 

This will be our first Christmas together and hopefully, our last one apart.  Because of my relationship drought in recent years,  I’m not in the habit of publicly professing my undying emotions for a man, but this one is special.  He’s special enough for me to cook for, bake for, shave my legs for, think about constantly, blog about occasionally and forget about any other man who came before him.

 h

What’s In A Name?

That’s what Bill Shakespeare had Juliet ponder on her balcony as the voyeuristic Romeo hid and listened, gaining courage and probably a little woody in the Hydrangea bushes in her Veronian garden below.

The answer to Juliet’s query would be,  “A lot is in a name”.   

Our identities often stem from our names and most names just seem to fit.   Here in the US, you just don’t find a really hot chick named Hortense.     Not a lot of handsome hunks named Adolph, either.

Take Elvis Presley for example.   Not all, but several of his movie characters had macho/butch, testosterone riddled, one-syllable first names like Nick,  Rick, Ross, Mike, Chad and Guy.

If I showed you or uttered the names, Lillian Bethany Whitlock, Stevens Pinth Garnell and Quentin Whitney Vanderpool, III would you think beer and pig’s knuckles or caviar and Cristal??

• Horace Gertner. 
• The name evokes images of a man being tall, thin and geeky and nerdy.
• Bertha Flot. 
• I’m thinking a Rosacea faced, fat woman in a Babushka…and a lot of flies encircling her.

John Wayne:  a manly man’s manly man name, right?   But Marion Morrison isn’t.  That’s his real name.  Actors are particular about their names.  Not so much as they used to be, but hardcore Jewish kids from New York who came to Hollywood changed their names in order to be socially more accepted.   And of course, to have equity; to be members of the Screen Actor’s Guild, they must have unique names unlike anyone else.   Still, you want a name that is evocative.   Jethro Bodine understood this.  The bumbling, sixth grade educated nephew on “The Beverly Hillbillies” tired of trying his hand at brain surgery, double-naught spying and international playboying and decided to become an actor.

He chose the rugged “Beef Jerky” as his acting name.

Football players are unique individuals who can benefit from strong, manly names.   Specifically, the game’s field generals; the storied quarterbacks.  I’ve done some digging and I’ve decided to come up with my version of great quarterback names; names that evoke coolness, style, grace under pressure, bevies of hot chicks and all the wheeled and worn bling a massive, seven-figure contract in the NFL can buy. 

 10. Bart Starr (Alabama/ Green Bay)

9. Joe Montana (49er’s/ Chiefs)

8. Jim McMahon  (Brigham Young/ Bears and Chargers, among others) 

7.  Troy Aikman  (OU and UCLA/ Cowboys)

6. Drew Brees (Purdue/ Saints)

5. Seneca Wallace (Iowa State/ Seahawks)

4. Carson Palmer (USC/ Bengals)  (A player with a last name as a first name is cool) 

3. Vince Young (Texas/ Titans)     (Chosen because of the Elvis character principle.  Vince is a great manly name)   

2. J.T. O’Sullivan (UC Davis/Chargers)   (The name sounds like some Irish theme bar where the young, newly legal meet to drink beer and Pina Coladas) 

And I ask you…does a quarterback name get ANY cooler than my pick for Number One?????

Drum roll, please

.

1. Colt McCoy (Texas/ Browns)

.

HONORABLE MENTION: 

• Joe Namath  (Alabama/Jets)   (Why?  Joe really is a great QB first name and this particular Joe was atually the first real QB superstar, on and off the field
• Brook Hart/ Yale    (Cool name.  Sounds handsome, but probably wasn’t.  Probably has buck teeth so bad can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence) 
• Graham Winkelbaum  (Yale)   (dreadful last name for sports–would wrap around the shoulder and on to part of his chest if printed on a jersey, but his first name “Graham” gives it credence.  Besides, GW was the very first quarterback to use the Quarterback Sneak in 1912 against arch rival, Harvard) 
• Sonny Jurgenson (North Carolina/Philly, Redskins and a brief post career stint in the broadcast booth)
• Either of the Brothers Manning
• Major Applewhite (Texas)    (Younger brother, Gunnery Sergeant Applewhite rose through the ranks of cheerleading)

f