Jokes At Tiger Woods’ Expense

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Before I get into the funny, I have to get something off my chest. 

Indulge me, won’t you?

I have in recent years, been called a “comedic mercenary” with regard to dispensing jokes about whichever celebrity ( be it a famous person from the world of politics or the Hollywierd front) who’d found themselves in the hot seat for having screwed up in some colossally public way; I’ve often been ribbed for my willingness to go to great lengths to get the joke in, regardless of how vile or degrading it was.   

Well frankly, I really don’t care if that’s what some people think.  If it was funny enough, it was worth the stretch and besides,  I make jokes at my own expense.  No one is absolved from blame in my world…not even me.  Public figures know that they are fair game and besides, the Tiger Woods affair is ripe for the picking.   

And here’s part of the reason why I feel this way.  For starters, I’m completely jaded when it comes to errant athletes.  After O.J., Kobe, Pete Rose, all the steroid abuse cases–even that former jock turned TV announcer from ESPN who got caught screwing around on his  wife with a producer–how can anyone regard these people as being above reproach?? 

I’m disappointed in people who are disappointed when their favorite sport stars fall from grace.    Athletes on every level in every sport are to be admired for their athletic prowess and skills sets, but are they role models?   A resounding “No, they are not”.   Athleticism doesn’t guarantee integrity any more than having integrity guarantees you winning the Heisman Trophy.   The two are mutually exclusive.  Why don’t more people understand this? 

I feel sorry for the truly feeble and simplistic thinkers who believe otherwise.   Aspire to dribble like Michael Jordan, bend it like Beckham or play golf like Tiger Woods, but don’t immolate these  men.  If you do, you’ll be sorely disappointed every time.   Their ability to score points, win races or poll vault their way into Olympic history doesn’t make them exemplary people.  Stellar athletes yes, but ideal human being without sin?    Not at all.

And the fact that Tiger Woods can’t keep his putter in his very married pants bothers me, but I don’t lose sleep over it.    And I think he’s actually gotten off pretty easy.   If I were Elin Woods, I would’ve been a bit more aggressive regarding my behavior the night my “distraught” husband  crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant on our block.  A proctologist would have been called to the scene….

STAT.

And I would’ve recommended he bring heavy duty wire cutters with him.

Hell hath no furry like a former Swedish model scorned. 

The old adage, if you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas applies here.   This is Tiger’s version of scratching and the world is watching him go at it.  Well, we’re watching him scratch in the privacy of his home in a very exclusive gated community with a PR machine that never sleeps   It is an unavoidable fact of life that for every action there is a consequence.   Therefore, Tiger Woods, by virtue of his being one of the most recognizable sports figures on the planet, cannot be absolved from sin or its wages. 

Should we care who and what he “does” in his private life?   Well, I suppose you can care  if you’ve got nothing better to do.    Should his sponsors terminate their contracts with him?   I would imagine they would and perhaps should, IF his actions affect sales conversely and of course, they should there’s some sort of morals clause written into his contract . 

But no matter what happens on the sponsorship front, I can assure you that I will NOT run out and by some Tiger lovin’ Gatorade.   Then again, I never bought the sports drink BEFORE news of  Tiger’s alleged sexual trysts  with half of the East Coast surfaced.   Who and what he shills for won’t make one bit of difference to me.  While I strongly disapprove of infidelity,  I doubt seriously if Gatorade will taste any differently because a fornicating golfer is getting paid millions to tell a tirsty world that it’s a bitchin’ substance to drink after playing 18 holes.

And after playing golf, too!!!

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But seriously folks….

Tiger Woods’ situation,  as sad, tragic and as humiliating as it is, is a veritable treasure trove of comedic delight for any and all pundits.   By virtue of the fact that he’s a public person (something about which I know all too well), we can say just about anything we want.  And we’re covered by law.  We can say what we want within reason.   So here you go…welcome to “reason”.

And lastly, sorry Tiger…you’ve been in the public eye since your childhood, when Daddy Earl decided to pimp your amazing golfing skills to the highest bidder.  I remember watching you manhandle an 8-iron as a kid on Carson a million years ago.  You are certainly no celebrity neophyte.   I don’t pity you either.    You had to have known the rules of enragement. 

  • In light of news about Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs, we’ve heard that Tiger Woods’ handlers are urging him to drop that specific  feline nickname and adopt another:  like Cheetah.
  • Tiger Woods’ just signed an exclusive multi-million dollar three picture deal with a major Hollywood studio.  The first movie to be made:   “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”.
  • Tiger has played golf all over the world, but recently we’ve learned that there’s one course that’s been giving him a particular amount of trouble.  That would be intercourse.

The photo below was taken during a time out at a recent  Houston/Jacksonville game.   It’s fairly self-explanatory: a leggy blond brandishing a club while chasing a tiger in a red sports shirt.

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  • What was Elin Woods doing outside at 2:30 in the morning?  Apparently, she been out clubbing.
  • When the cops asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him, she said “I can’t remember,  “Gee, I dunno…uh, put me down for a five.”
  • Tiger Woods and baby seals apparently have quite a bit in common.  They’ve both been clubbed by Swedes.

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Here’s a pic of the latest club that Tiger is endorsing.  It’s called the Ouch Iron

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  • GOLF  TIP: Tiger’s tip for wayward golfers: never ask an angry golfer’s wife to keep track of your balls.
  • Police reports indicate that Elin Woods actually struck her famous husband twice.   That would stand to reason since in golf,  there’s a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.
  • What was the actual cause of Tiger’s accident?  Well, the official police report said he was “tree under par”.  ( I know…groan the groan of death)

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And here’s yet another photo funny:

 

But he has all his teeth in the Nike ad!?!?!?!  Gee, it must have been Photoshopped before  Tiger opened up a hole in one in his Escalade’s front end over the Thanksgiving holiday!

Lastly, below you’ll find a pretty interesting and funny computer aided reenactment of Tiger’s accident and how it might have unfolded and we have the ambitious, technically savvy and crazy ass news happy Chinese media to thank. 

SIDENOTE TO THE ARTISTS BEHIND THE COMPUTER GENERATED ROUND-EYE PORTRAYING ELIN WOODS:   It’s called blush…It’s a color.   Apply some.

Click here to be take there:

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7 comments on “Jokes At Tiger Woods’ Expense

  1. Davey says:

    Heard any good Tiger Jokes?
    Here are some I found, and I even made up some of them:
    I think this one is courtesy of a Mr Letterman.
    Tiger wrote on his Web site today that he was guilty of ‘transgressions’ – which is a classy way of saying some of his foursomes were actually threesomes.”

    •What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
    Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

    •Tiger’s got to get a new Caddy!

    •I heard Tiger Woods was looking for a support group.

    Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t find one for “Men who cheat on their hot blonde Swedish wives.”

    •Tiger wins some great cars through his sport – and he’s getting yet another because he got a hole in one.

    •Difference between Santa and Tiger. Santa stops at three ho’s!

    •What is Tiger Wood’s wife doing at 2 AM?
    Out Clubbing.

    •Why does Tiger carry a little towel when he’s playing a round? To keep his balls dry and shiny.

    •Tiger asked a lady to play a round with him. Sure, she says. It’ll be your honour, I think?

    •When did it all go wrong, Tiger?
    “Well, Davey, It all started with Unlucky rule 13. I thought I could get free relief from a previously unfilled divot”.

    •So, Tiger, why the loss of form?
    “Well, Davey, I always tried to play straight down the middle. The fair way. But I’ve had a few shocking hookers lately”.

    •The Police attended a road traffic accident but failed to immediately identify the casualty. An officer explained: “At first we couldn’t see Woods for the tree”.

    •Looks Like Elin and Tiger are OK.
    Well, she seems to be hitting on him again..

    •Tiger’s got a place in the Rid’er cup.

    •Tiger was about to lose the hole, but he had checked he wasn’t transgressing the rules, which clearly explained he was allowed to touch a bush with the shaft on a direct attempt.

    •Tiger’s getting adventurous with his swing, but he’s lately been ending up stuck in a piece of dangerous rough.

    •I hear Tiger’s made an offer for Nick Faldo’s old Caddy.
    “What, you mean the blue one with the alloys and tints?”
    “No his old Caddy. Funny Fanny”.

  2. Davey says:

    Tiger made quick progress on the drive, but then he couldn’t make up his mind whether to hit iron or wood next.

  3. Rick says:

    “Comedic Mercenary.” That’d look great on a business card.

    “Laurie Kendrick, CM.”

    Think about it. And when you’re ready to license that and sell certificates, get in touch. I do that kind of nonsense for a living. :)

  4. Greg says:

    I don’t give a shit about golfers, football players, baseball players or basketball players. I just hate a man that cheats on his wife.

  5. Greg says:

    “Tiger Woods and baby seals apparently have quite a bit in common. They’ve both been clubbed by Swedes.”

    I think this is my favorite one.

  6. Greg says:

    fucking italics

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