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I’ve not worked in ten months. I’ve filled out thousands of energy and ego zapping applications only to listen for a phone that never rings. In fact, I’m getting email rejections from companies at which I’ve never applied. I’m not only bored to tears, I’m going broke.
So, in between trying to remain sane and groveling for jobs at the quarry and at the Houston Wet Nurse Union, Local 3765, I’ve decided to ease the pain of impending poverty and indentured servitude by inventing the most ingenious device for quick make-up application.
Women and drag queens are gonna LOVE IT!!!
PREMISE: Women simply do not have the time to apply a full compliment of make-up every morning. So, why not make make-up an exercise that takes only 5.2 seconds to apply?
The brain trust here at Laurie Industries under my direction, have come up with the physical product that I could only conceive in thought and on paper…
Behold….the Cleenax Insta-Make Up Sheet ™
That’s right. Each tissue in each box has a completely different look and each sheet comes with a full application of make-up…eye shadow and liner; mascara, eyebrows, blush, lipstick, foundation, the works!!
You simply pull out one Cleenax Insta Makeup Sheet ™, place it make-up side up; lay it flat against a table or countertop and simply roll your case across it like a common blotter! And voila!!! You’ve got a face full of make-up!
Quick, easy; it’s beauty in an instant!!!
Different looks run the gamut, too: day, night…formal, casual, Emmett Kelly, dramatic, simple…everyday.
Here’s the look one will get from our most basic make-up application: The No Frills Standard Issue I’m Content At All Costs Sheet:
This is for the gal who’s all about the “no fuss” approach to makeup. You saw this particular sheet still in the box which I displayed at the top of this post.
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Next, for the risk takers out there, we offer the “Ash Wednesday” look.
Perfect, if this is what soots you!!
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Taken right out of the surrealist archives of Catalan, this is the “Salvador Dolly”:
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Ladies, you know that gentlemen always love the Bukkake look:
Uh, er…make that Kabuki, that’s right Kabuki.
Sorry, my computer as Asperger’s Disease…..I do not.
And guys, we didn’t forget about you!!! We offer two conservative looks that are crisp and clean and criminal. We’ve based these two examples on former Bush adviser, Karl Rove.
VERSION ONE is the original Karl Rove:
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And this is VERSION TWO: The Karl Rove-Slash-Mark David Chapman, Beatle Killer
Oooooh….tempting!!
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Back to Femalia. Here’s our last offering. It’s a two-part Max Factor-based homage to that little cherubic Brit and younger daughter of a one Mr. Ozzie Osbourne:
VERSION ONE: The Kelly Osbourne
And VERSION TWO: The More Dramatic Kelly Osbourne-Slash-Lon Chaney as The Phantom of The Opera.
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Cleenax Insta-Makeup Sheets ™ promises to make YOU look lovely and ME, rich beyond the dreams of avarice!
Buy Cleenax Insta-Makeup Sheets ™ where ever acne products are sold!!!!
Some assembly required.
Some pieces sold separately.
Not suitable for children under 14 or those with skin allergies to lead or Radium.
Has been known to cure cancer and cheese cravings in laboratory rodentia.
Not available in parts of Arkansas, Southern Idaho, the West Village and Fire Island.
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Laurie – In the midst of the depression over my own joblessness, I am finding it difficult to get the motivation to keep up with other hygene chores (such as shaving, bathing, etc…). Perhaps Laurie Industries can come up with an invention that meets the needs of such non-make-up wearers as me.
Peace, Pistol