Does the vile, nasty, coarse cloud formation give you an idea as to my mood as of late?
It’s been an extremely difficult month. I’ve got 29 days left before I turn 50 and I’ve been suffereing with birthday angst and anxiety. Plus, I’m still awaiting word from that job I applied for amonth ago and to be honest, I’m going stir crazy. Utterly; madly.
This particular entity will announce their decision later this week. I’m praying to gods I don’t even believe in order to land this job. I actually want it far more than I need it. Besides, nothing else has panned out and trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve applied for 123 jobs since a post Hurricane Ike budget forced the three radio station cluster for which I worked, to downsize significantly and let’s be honest, can any corporation in these lean times, keep a full-time comedy writer and commercial copy writer on their staffs?
And if that isn’t bad enough, I’m running low on crap to write and I’m not feeling my best. I’ve the worst insomnia, I’m tired, cranky and I’m crying over tampon commercials. I have no appetite (thanks God!) and due to a sinus infection I’ve had for 18 years, Ican’t really taste anything. My t-buds are are on full consumptive anarchy..
Wanna hear the latest malady???
I’ve got inexplicable perspiration. And I can no longer blame menopause for that. In fact, parts of my body that shouldn’t have sweat glands are now sweating profusely. And my body is emitting sweaty weirdness. Is perspiration supposed to ball up upon touch? I ask because I think I’m sweating mercury.
But that’s not the worst of it—my sciatica is killing me, I can’t sit for extended periods, I get the gas even when I walk by food, rent in Boca Raton is now through the roof and my son, the doctor, never calls me!!!!
My God, I’m old…….and Jewish!!!
Before I sit shiva for my youth, I wanted to come up with a much better post before I completely go underground in the next several days or until I learn whether I need to get all my business suits, now serving as a cat day bed, cleaned and pressed.
I struggled to come up with a decent Monday post and then I remembered that a post I’d written a few years ago. I stumbled upon it an another sight and thought I’d republish it with updated answers.
So that’s what I did and what you’ll read below is an updated version. Yeah, I stole it…so what? My pilfering occured two years ago…exceeding the statute of limitations. Besides, I needed content and I’m too tired to give a shit.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
- Bill Tucker. He’s my accountant. I hate that greedy son of a bitch.
2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
- Third trimester; en utero
3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
- Yeah, after I took that “unfortunate tumble” off my bike, my piece of shit Schwinn 10-speed never called. Bikestard!!!!!
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
- I would never have ever gotten involved with a particular male individual. He is and always will be my biggest regret.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
- Mrs. Doris Garner. For some reason, I remember she always smelled like pickles.
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
- I really want to be in a position to explore the use of new personal pronouns in my life…such as “ours, us and we”. I’d like to explore these possibilities while all cozied up somewhere with the man of my dreams and our dogs in our comfy, warm mountain accessible home, where on those rare occasions when I’m not perfectly embodying the metaphor of “being in love”, I’m writing the ASS out of comedy.
7. What did you want to do when you were growing up?
- An almost 50 year old unemployed, old maid crone. Mission fucking accomplished.
8. How many colleges did you attend?
- Five by the time I finally graduated. Yeah, I was an educational drifter.
9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
- It stunk less than the other shirts piled high atop Mount Laundry.
10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
- “Damn!!! Gas prices are high!!”
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
- Seville, Spain…Estes Park, Colorado, Montreal or I’d make a fabulous homestead deep in the Texas Hill Country. Sometimes, the Hills call me like a siren. It feels like home there. Freshwater streams and arroyos. Bluffs that over look crystal clear spring fed creeks. Indian country. Ceder and Mesquite. I am home in the Hills.
I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
- I haven’t slept since 2003. I would commit heinous crimes if only I could actually be awakened by the harsh, discordant sound of my alarm going off
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
- I didn’t fall asleep but I remember feeling down around by my side and thinking, “Is that a pillow or my left one?”
14. Favorite underwear?
- My jock
15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
- Despite their pedantic pleas to the contrary, men are so very easily played. We always….ALWAYS know when you’re lying. As for why we don’t call you on it? I don’t know–maybe as to not bruise your delicate egos. Maybe we hate confrontation and I know for a fact that when we catch you in your lies (and when lying, gentlemen, please learn some real thespian skills. Don’t stand there slack jawed, eyes diverting right and left and begin every sentance with a Sling Blade utterance of “Uh”) we stuff this knowledge in our mental quivers and often keep our mouths shut, eager to either trip you one day when you’ve forgotten all that we’ve remembered OR…we just want to see how far you’ll carry on this charade. But trust me, we know.
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
- Anything remotely involving housework…or movement
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
- Yes and I do. At least, once a month.
18. Get up early or sleep in?
- How about “never sleep”? On those rare occasions when I actually get some shut eye, I am a ridiculously early riser.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
- Gossamer, the big, orange tooth-shaped, Chuck Taylor High-Tops wearing monster on Bugs Bunny
- Witch Hazel, the cute little brujita, also from Bugs Bunny. Every time she moved, bobby pins fell out of her hair.
- and Ralph Bakshi’s “Mighty Mouse” from the early .1990’s. HILARIOUS!!!
20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy or a girl?
- I love to cuddle in bed, soft kisses are exchanged. Laughing is a must. There must always be laughter. There must also be a mutual exchange of love. I want to say “I love you” and must hear it said back to me. Oh yeah— it’s fun with guys, too!
21. Have you found real love yet?
- Interesting question. I thought I knew real love once. I was just a kid then, but it was very real. At least, it felt that way. As for now? Everything I currently feel can only be classified as a deep abiding affection. Or infection. Either way, it’s curability is in doubt.
22. When did you first start feeling old?
- At 32 actually. I broke 11 major support bones in a nasty car weck and I’ve creeked and cracked ever since. But when I turned 45, my sound effects of my body were suddenly accompanied by pain. Aging can be a cruel, cruel mistress.
24.. Your favorite lunch meat?
- That would be meats…plural. Ham and turkey, Big Daddy!
25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
- Hives. Went with my sister once. A million shoppers hurriedly gone from one aisle to the other. It remdinded me of a slide of viral Herpes critters teeming teeming under a microscope. I walked out of there needing a drink AND Acycolvir.
26. Beach or lake?
- I’ll go with a lake 90-percent of the time but I do love deserted beaches on cold, dark winter afternoons
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
- Amazingly enough, no. I eventually plan to fail at it at least once before I die.
- 28. Do you own property?
• Do migrant workers count?
29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
- The video of my proctological scope exam. Set design was horrible and the landscape scenes I hear, were pretty gross. Costuming was shitty and a rectal fissure was completely miscast as a polyp. Lighting was abysmal and there wasn’t enough “B Roll” used, either. Otherwise, it was magical….downright “Charmin” even.
31. What’s your drink?
- Ice cold beer makes me smile. A good Pinot Grigio is fine too and when the spirit hits me, there’s nothing like Dewars and soda.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
- Neither, give me a Yap Islander any day.
33. Cops or Robbers?
- Ponzi Schemers
34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
- No one. I’m still close to those who mattered.
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
- KHMX (MIX 96.5)
36. Norm or Cliff?
37. Grey’s or The Office?
- The Office, I guess though I’ve only seen a few minutes of it. Never seen Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t have to; I read the book. (Anyone? Anyone??? Any med students out there?? My God, I’m ALL alone!)
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
- No need to name names. I’ve had two lousy ones and one of those was sinisterly bad. They should both know who they are. We share this tragic trifecta of mutual regret. That’s all that matters. It’s dead. Buried. Never to be brought up again for fear of rampant skin necrosis.
39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
- Sorry, don’t work.
40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
- Steven Colbert, but he’d have to cover up those damn weird elfin looking ears of his
41. Indoors or Outdoors?
42,. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
- I had a relative minor fender-bender last November in which a dumpster filled with Hurricane Ike debris, jumped out in the roadway and struck my car resulting in more than eight thousand dollars in damage. I wasn’t hurt physically but I my ego was bruised. I’m a member of a service that provides mobile psychotherapy. They drive a souped up, four wheel couch with a metal box of Kleenex welded to the the steel coffee table. Fortunately, they came to my rescue and were forced to use the “Jaws of Strife” to remove me and all post related stigma from the driver’s seat.
• 43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
- Why yes, of course, silly!! How do you think I know dinner is ready???
44. Last book you read?
- I seriously can’t remember. I don’t even reconcile my checkbook. I bank intuitively. I like risk, I like to gamble. You know, I live close to the edge. I go up to an ATM machine, put in my card and PIN and expect to see all cherries appear on the screen when I play. Tbat never happens but damn if I don’t win every time…and I get to actually pick the amount I want!
45. Do you have a teddy bear?
- Not anymore. I just recently threw my “teddy bear” in the same metaphorical street meandering dumpster that attacked my car. I am Laurie Kendrick now…singular, NOT plural. I intend to stay single until I can completely cure all of those penis toting male age spots that have sullied my body’s complexion
64. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
- You’re presuming a lot, aren’t you??
47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
- I’ve been to San Fransisco, L.A. and San Diego. Beautiful country, it’s resources: PEOPLE!!!! Influential in terms of blue state politics.
48. Do you go to church?
- Do I go to services regularly? No, but I have gone (quite recently, during off hours) to meditate and say “thanks” for certain things. Sometimes, it’s all about the gratitude.
49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
- A new rcareer. Right now, I’m not seeking a relationship–of any kind. I’m looking for emotional band-aids right now and these band-aids don’t breathe, lie or deceive.
50. How old are you?
- I’m a very sun-damaged 24.