My fellow Americans, it is time we face facts.
It is NOT alcohol or drugs or unresolved issues from an abusive childhood that creates the man-made chaos that exists in the world today.
It isn’t greed or violence or the imperialistic need to control every government on the planet.
It’s not even war or Dick Cheney.
Don’t believe me, oh Gluttons of Gluten????
As they are want to do, the noted thinkers at Laurie Industries did some in-depth investigating and have uncovered startling evidence (based on an email that had been making the rounds) and after some modification, this brain trust has been able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that bread kills, maims, leads to terrorism and is ultimately responsible for Barack Obama’s meteoric and messianic rise to political fame.
That’s right, Flour Tits; statistics DON’T lie..
Check it out:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters
2. More than half…. HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. How do we know this? In Kindergarten, these kids ate paste and paste is made from flour and water and shit and specific glue ingredients that only Elmer knows for sure. Need we say more?
3. In the 18th century, diseases like the Bubonic Plague plagued mankind. Entire nations were wiped out, all because of filthy, dirty, flea-infested, BREAD EATING rodents.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative and extend beyond the physiological. They are often criminal, too:
- 99.9% of all people who die have eaten bread
- 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread
- 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
- Cubans LOVE bread
- 99.7% of the people involved in mid-air collisions and automobile accidents ate bread within 6 to 12 months preceding said accident.
- As a pro football player and actor, the knife wielding O.J Simpson “earned a lot of bread” in his lifetime
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where bread is served regularly
- The singing group, “Bread”, a band which was immensely popular in the late 60’s and early 70’s, was known for it’s vile and subversive lyrics. For example: Bread’s front man, David Gates sang; ” I found her diarrhea ‘neath a tree….”. Disgusting AND deplorable!!! This song should be banned on every Oldies station and elevator in America, effective immediately
- Convicted serial killer, Ted Bundy loved bread; a love affair which lead him to the electric chair. John Wayne Gacy, who was put to death for the gruesome and grizzly deaths of more than thirty young men and boys, reportedly loved bread, too. In fact, it’s said he “violated” muffins and rolls in absolutely unheard of ways. Bakers referred to him as a breadophile
- Hillary Clinton has been known to eat toast
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Everyone born before 1839 who later ate a consistent diet of bread, are ALL dead today. That means eating bread gives humans a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. Therefore, bread causes lung failure in mice
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, osteoporosis, varicose veins, rectal itch or ATM withdrawals
9. Bread IS addictive. Subjects that were deprived of bread and given only water, begged for bread after only two days. Lack of bread creates hunger and hunger keeps that gelatinous whiner, Sally Struthers employed. By eliminating bread, we can eliminate hunger and if we eliminate hunger, we can mercifully eliminate the rotund Gloria Bunker Stivic’s late night TV career
10. Bread is often a “gateway” food item. It leads to the user moving on to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts and various spreads. One gentlemen I know went on vacation in Turkey. He came back home three weeks later with a Pita monkey on his back. He said he just loafed around Istanbul for weeks. Yep…it was bread; one bite and he was hookah’d
11. The evilness of enlightening books burn at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. Ray Bradbury taught us that. It is any wonder then that malevolent bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit?? Why DO you think they call it “Wonder Bread”?
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors. They don’t need to be eating that stuff while working 100 feet beneath the Earth’s surface
.2. A nationwide “Just Say No To To Dough” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots featuring Blythe Danner, that fat chick who used to shill for Snapple and Larry Storch, plus the requisite bumper stickers, lapel pins and oversized fan foam fingers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. The over the counter purchase of sweet rolls, bear claws and crullers will include a SIN-amin Tax. .
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. We are fully prepared to take The Pillsbury Dough Boy and Sara Lee, to court if he have to. This includes a ban on Joe Camel’s erstwhile cartoon cousin, the animated bread mascot, Nick BaggaBuns ; a ne’er-do well, Brooklyn-accented, purple ocelot dressed in black leather pants, a Fedora and a burlap coat.
5. We will demand the establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools, seminaries and the Democratic National Committee Headquarters
So, there you have it.
My sainted mother, Nonie of Kendrick knew this. This women, who was ahead of her time, understood the perils involved in overt bread consumption. She was keenly aware what too much bread could and would do to her progeny, so when my sisters and I were growing up, she limited our intake of bread on a regular basis. In fact, she was a stickler about prohibiting our consumption of white bread after Labor Day and by the same token, we couldn’t eat dark rye after Easter.
Bread is evil.