Just In Time for Christmas…Toys: Version 2008

Well, the calender on the wall here at Laurie Industries indicates that it’s exactly one month until Christmas.

Hanukkah.

Kwaanza.

Or the Winter Solstice for all the heathens at The Daily Kos.

That said, what will the little ones put on their “Wish Lists” that they’ll send to Santa, Father Christmas, Hanukkah Harry or George Soros this year? Well friends, as Bob Dylan once warbled, “the times they are a changing”. Gone are the days when Slinkys and Hula Hoops and the games such as Stratego and Mystery Date could keep kids happy and entertained.

Nope.

Today’s more progressive child has to roll with the times and the times necessitate a hipper and sometimes, even more sinister kind of toy. Here at Laurie Industries, we want to help make sense of the new toys that today’s hipster kidster wants under his Christmas tree, Hanukkah menorah or altar/shrine of Barack Obama containing a flow chart commemorating his diasporic trek from Kenya to Chicago.

Here’s a compilation of the latest fun offerings:

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TOY #1

In the 80′s the happenin’ toy that every little girl and effeminate boy wanted was a “My Pretty Pony”. These colorful, plastic equine had long, color coordinated hair that you could brush or braid or what not. Kids spent minutes enjoying this toy, but did you know there was a glut of these things? Hundreds of thousands were made and eventually discarded as children eventually tired of them, therefore, “My Pretty Ponies” soon became “Our Ugly Trash”.

Well, the environmentally savvy toy wizards at Hoof Toys, Inc., came up with a fun and educational way to utilize the excess horses with “My Pretty Pony Glue Factory”.

Your kids will learn about recycling, the circle of life AND the manufacture of inexpensive household adhesives.

TOY #2

As a young lass, I had the standard issue Kenner Easy Bake Oven. I’d make a chocolate cake with the mix that came with it and about eight minutes and one second degree burn later, I’d have a tiny, bland cake that ended up in that fun, pretend bakery my mother called “The Trash Bin”.

These ovens are still around, but do they still make tasty snacks? No, but a few of the things you can make from today’s version most definitely rhymes with snack!

Behold—The Easy Bake Meth Lab!!!!

Become a Junior Meth chef and aspire to be just like Uncle Bob, now serving five to ten in Statesville Prison. Tiny Ziploc plastic bags, insomnia, rotting teeth, erratic behavior and meth related acne and skin deterioration sold separately.

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TOY #3

The fine art of pugilism AND same sex dating can be explored in depth with this new fun game that will also test your child’s manual “dicksterity”.

It’s called “Hump ‘Em, Pump ‘Em Robots”….on sale where ever Poppers are sold.

TOY #4

She was in the news earlier this year, partly because she’s one of the richest 22-year-olds in the country. Yes, you knew her as that incredibly homely child that grew up before our eyes on “Full House”. She’s since become a clothing magnate, a communication billionaire and now, a toy entrepreneur.

It’s Mary Kate Olsen and her bag is to gag.

Your daughter can learn this too with the new fun, menstrual-stopping experience that’s appropriately named, “Mary Kate’s Burger Purger”.

Bulimia is fun!

Comes complete with a carb-laden cheeseburger, laxatives, a bottle of Ipecac and a letter from Mary Kate’s attorney seeking federal immunity regarding any and all information surrounding Heath Ledger’s mysterious fatal drug overdose.

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TOY #5

Our last toy offering is geared for the older child…especially the one with horticultural interests. It’s the “Shiite Pet”!!

Shi’a  Pet  would’ve worked too.

Anyway, this easy to use entry into the world of metaphorical botanical terrorism comes with a hilarious instruction booklet, with a forward written by Al Gore.

And Norman Mailer.

You simply add water to the special martyr mortar which makes a paste. Apply that to the lovely decorative planter of your favorite muhajedeen; wait a week or so and VOILA!! You’ve got the perfect effigy with a full compliment of bedding plant that when mature, will resemble Koran approved facial hair and a big ol’ leafy kofi.

Hate Jews the natural way….by going green!!!

(Some Assimilation Required)

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H/T to Reality Parenting
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9 comments on “Just In Time for Christmas…Toys: Version 2008

  1. Why is that? Because you stopped reading after that, the first offering? You’re transparent to me, you vile, vile person. How do I loathe thee, Sysco? Let me count the ways.

    I get the distinct impression that you’re the kind of guy who dislikes cats….and women.

  2. Is it your destiny in life to inflict pain in mine? Does it make you feel more like a man to find fault with me? Why do you come here then, Cous-cous? Why bother reading my blog at all, if the only thing you’ve ever done is leave snarky comments that you hope will affect me in some way and let everybody know you’re semi well read.

    Careful…you’re pretense is showing.

    Just keep saying to yourself–”I will never have LK; I will never have LK”.

    By the way, you have a very strange, misogynistic way of flirting.

  3. Karol says:

    trailor park princess? just who are you, cristo? why do you inflict barbs my way? i come on laurie’s blog not to insult but to partake in lively conversations, reliving some of the things laurie brings to memory.

    you don’t add anything significant to her posts-you merely trash it up. don’t come around here if that’s your intention.

  4. veronicaromm says:

    Wow, I loved your piece, but what is going on in the comments? Talk about some sexual tension.

  5. Sexual tension? Nah, I’m thinking more rectal itch.

    Thanks for coming by, Veronica. LOVED your piece on writing a few months ago. It is indeed a compelling, driving need that can only be sated by writing. Heroin with text.

    Please don’t be a stranger.

    LK

  6. mklasing says:

    Okay, so I had a Shiite Pet for a while, but when it finally grew in, it rolled into the kitchen and revealed a secret bomb inside the head. It went off and now my kitchen is a crater. So, just a warning to your male readers–read the damn instructions on that one–for once!

  7. Soothsayer says:

    This cah-cah guy is up to no good. Time to block his/her its crap from coming through. Seriously. He/she/it can get his/her/its jollies elsewhere, eh Ken? You are WAAAY above this brand of caustic verbiage!
    (I’m betting Cah-cah is an “its” — as in EUNUCH.)

  8. Nancy Kappes says:

    Seems like Here There Be Dick-Heads, and what I want to know (and have for years) why they don’t make a Chia Peen Pet. Or Chia Cooter Pet? Instruct your kids and watch it grow!
    Plus, La Kendrick, you didn’t say the name right: it was My-Pretty-Pony-With-Hair-You-Can-Really-Brush-And-Comb. Just ask my daughter who could say it all in one breath. also, oddly enough, I just wrapped her old MPPWHYCRBAC that if she didn’t get she WOULD DIE (like Fluppy Dog, Polly Pocket, etc.) just to remind her.
    “Don’t Take No Shit From Nobody–Tell ‘Em All to Fuck Off!”
    (Beautiful Janis J in all her feathered, spangled glory which was on a poster in my room for..oh, about 15 seconds before my mother saw it. Ha Ha Mom!! Guess what’s on my wall NOW!
    Keep it real, homes.

  9. Shannon says:

    It’s fairly obvious to me after reading all the witty banter in comments that I’m the stupidest person reading your blog, Laurie. And I’m cool with that.

    This blog made me giggle. Hee hee.

    Off to Simpleland, USA.

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