Cliff Claven-esque Crap You Can Use To Completely Bore Your Friends AND Enemies

.

.

(Uh….my shit’s typed in green)

,

1. Fifty percent of female polar bears, also have a penis. (So do the women in the Clinton household)

.

2. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest.

.

3. Who knew giraffe’s could kick it? Well, they can. Check this out: an adult giraffe’s kick is so powerful, it can decapitate a lion.

.

4. I did not know this, but there is actually a word which describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want to use, either in speech or in text. It’s “lethologica”. (Use it in a sentence next time you can’t remember the word you want to use. Yeah uh-huh…right)

.

5. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he could swear on his testicles. (Today, that practice has been largely abandoned save for select courts in parts of San Francisco, The West Village and in 99-percent of all married households dominated by the wife)

.

6. Every year, approximately 25-hundred left-handed people are killed by an object or machinery that’s specifically designed for right-handed people.

.

7. Between 1902 and 1907, the same Bengal tiger killed roughly 434 people in India. (Give that cat a foot, and it’ll take a smile)

.

8. The brain is a powerful lump of clay, is it not? Dig this: the brain continues to send electrical wave signals for as long as 37 hours after death (that explains Britney Spears’ career)

.

9. On the average day across the northern hemisphere, 12 newborns are given to the wrong parents every day. (Brad? Anglina? You two reading this??)

.

10. This one was also new to me: apparently, during our periods, womens’ middle fingers shrink. No one knows why. (Gee, when I’m in the midst of the old menses and stuck in Houston traffic, my middle “bird flipping” finger seems to grow—FROM OVER USE!!!!!!)

.

11. Forty-five percent of American don’t what that the sun is a star (but are convinced that for some reason, Paris Hilton is)

.

12. American Airlines saved 40-grand in 1987 by taking an olive out of all First Class salads. (Wow..think how much Continental Airlines could make by insisting spoiled, blond, rich preachers’ wives fly their carrier and get kicked off for disrupting the flight and ALLEGEDLY elbowing the boobs of flight attendants!! We’re talking at least, three grand per nudge! Do that and them damn olives will be back in them high fallutin’ salads toot sweet!!)

.

13. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper which is a form of marijuana. (It was promptly rolled up and smoked by Johnny Q. Adams and Benjie Franklin as one of their “Ye Olde Spleefs”. Now, I get it. Learning that little tidbit actually gives credence to that mishegas about Bennie discovering electricity by flying a kite with a key on it in the middle of a storm. It makes sense. He was high, man!!!)

.

14. Dueling is legal in Paraguay, as long as both parties consent to duel AND they’re both registered blood donors. (For some reason, this is completely logical. Not sure why, but it does)

.

15. In the movie, “The Silence of the Lambs”, Hannibal Lecter (as played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) never blinks. (Not true. When he’s in the basement of the psychiatric hospital talking to Clarice (Jody Foster) and he does that now famous “…ate his liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti…fuhfuhfuhfuhfuh…” routine, his eyes blink briefly as he’s uttering all those fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fuhsess).

.

Wanna hear it, here it goes:

,

,