The Choice Is Yours

I am a busy woman these days. I mean I am maniacally busy.

A new writing project (one with incredible national and international implications) has just reared its head–details to follow–and I’ve got ongoing projects and assignments that still require weekly input.

Not to mention updating this bitch… er…blog.

But you and I have made a pact. I provide you with something akin to humor and/or scintillating facts and you visit this threadbare oveure on a fairly regular basis for such titillation. It’s all about quid-freaking pro-freaking quo.

But today, I am too busy to post anything new or that which requires thought or creative delving, so I happened upon these interesting facts about Coca Cola.

Or as my sister Karol and I call it, “life’s blood”.

Karol and I are addicted to this stuff. Not the diet kind; not the Coke Zero and none of shit flavored with lime or cherry or nicotine. We like the real stuff. The classic carbonated rock gut. The Coke that can in one minute, put hair on your chest, then ten minutes later remove it with acetone-like precision.

Some pompous, bombastic metabolizer with tits (TRANSLATION: a thinner, younger woman) once shamed me for drinking a Coke, reminding me that’s it’s SOOOOOOOOOO unhealthy. I responded by taking a hit of the stuff, then burping in her direction.

The nerve…………………………………………………..of her.

But if you do a little research and by that, I mean if YOU LOOK for something that will convey the evils of Coke, you can find it.

And that’s what I did. I wanted to see just how “evil” Coke is.

I found this link that compares and contrasts two of the world’s most popular liquids: water and Coke.

OK my Lauridians….let’s talk about the pluses and bonuses of water:

Well, for starters, humans gotta have it. No getting around that.

And check this out, 75-percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated. And these stunning facts likely apply to at least half of the world’s total population. As a species, w we simply don’t get enough of the stuff.

Here’s another tidbit: In about 37-percent of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak, that it’s often mistaken for hunger.

Even mild dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism by as much as three percent.

One eight-ounce glass of the stuff will shut down hunger pains and this little known fact can be a dieter’s best friend. We’re talking completely knocking the crap out of hunger pains in almost 100-percent of dieters surveyed or so says a study conducted at the University of Washington (and paid for by Ozarka…I KID!! I KID!!)

Lack of water is the number one trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that eight to ten glasses of water could significantly ease back and joint pain (providing you use the water to swallow a Percodan).

A mere two percent drop in water amounts within the body can trigger fuzzy, short term memory (can you say “hangover”??), it can also cause trouble with basic mathematical calculations and difficulty in focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page (can you say “college”???)

Drinking five glasses of wa wa every damn day decreases the risk of colon cancer. But how Laurie? By softening the stool. Yep. Keeping the BM plenties moist and ready for movement. Slick doodies, ya’ll–that’s the ticket. You see, hardened bowel movements stay in the colon for longer periods of time–as they say in Brooklyn, “Dey don’t go nowheres”–and carcinogens in the food, can leach out of the feces and into the walls of the lower G.I. tract. The end result? Cancer. In other words, water softens the feces and moves it on out because it decreases it’s so called “stay” time in the bowels.

Drinking ample water each day has also been attributed to slashing risk of breast cancer and of course, bladder cancer..

And now it’s Coke’s turn:

In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway car accidents.

You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit ..for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous ..china.

To remove rust spots from the chrome on your car’s bumper, rub the area with a crumpled up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coke..

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

Coke will also clean road haze and help remove bug ass from your windshield.

Coke tastes bitchin’ with rum and a squeeze of lime.

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FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8 and that means it can dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the “Hazardous Material” place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Uh huh.

♣

So, there you go.

This is hate speech, Karol. Pure hate speech.

Yeah..yeah, water is good for you, but Coke tastes so damn good.

I don’t particularly care for this indictment of Coke. I mean, it’s obviously some powerful stuff, but it’s not like drinking lye for God’s sake. Has Quincy or any other forensic pathologist EVER attributed a cause of death to Coke? As in cola? I think not. Dyspepsia has killed more people. And 7 Up? The green can with the big seven on it and U-P after?.. My God, I’ll bet it’s middle name is “Wayne”.

If Coke was this bad, do you think it would be sold in this country? We are a reactionary nation that does not sit on it’s hands when it comes to banning things that could endanger the populace. Hell, we’ve almost outlawed hockey pucks because they “might be a choking hazard”.

Only if you play for the Flames!!!

But I digress..

As I see it, the corrosive liquids that are secreted in the stomach during digestion make Coke look like a rank amateur in the caustic pantheon. So with the exception of the sodium and empty calories fructose laden Cokes deliver, I think it’s quite safe to say Cokes are in fact, OK to drink.

So, the choice is yours.

And as for water?

Contrary to what Al “Chicken Little” Gore says, there’s plenty of it around. Heck, even NASA has found it in the damnedest places.

n

Ciao ya’ll.

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