When Life Gets Boring

Sometimes, it’s OK to be a little crazy.

Seriously.

Insanity keeps you sane. As I see it, life forces this issue. And sometimes, life is just downright ridiculous. We have to fight the insanity with insanity.

So, try a few of these “suggestions” the next time you need a little ooomph in your life and the tangy zip of Miracle Whip just ain’t cuttin’ it.

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1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car on a busy street while wearing sunglasses and a paper badge taped to your shirt. Point your hair dryer out the window at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the office intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. Call the receptionist at the front desk and ask if you’ve arrived yet

3. Put your cubicle trash can on your desk and label it “In.”

4. Sit at your desk, with a distressed look on your face and swat at imaginary flies circling your head. Ask your cubicle neighbor to explain to you why the tiny little airplanes are so angry

5. Walk into Macy’s, address every Salesperson as “Donna” (regardless of gender) and in response to anything they say, look impish then ask, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Dillard’s?”

6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that

7. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Services Rendered as A Rectal Drug Mule”

8. Finish all your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy. Allah be praised.”

9. Insist it’s 1915. Dip your ball point pen in White Out and pretend it’s a ink well. Make comments like, “Damn that President Cleveland!!! The Titanic was HIS fault!!”

10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk and sing the theme song from “Family Ties”

11. Refuse to use punctuation. Tell everyone it’s the work of the devil

12. Order a diet water when dining out; come back an hour later and insist on ordering a glass full of melted ice

13. Go to the drive through at Burger King and announce that you’d like a medium Dominos pizza and six and a half packets of ketchup. Then insist it’s for “dining in”

14. Tell everyone that you knew the late Charles Nelson Riley……….intimately

15. Write a review of “Schindler’s List” using the wing dings font. Call the movie a “hilarious celluloid romp” and “the feel good hit of 1993″. Post the reviews inside the fridge in the employee lounge

16. Place mosquito netting around your work area and play jungle sounds on a continuous loop all day. Have a pretend conversation with 30’s Tarzan animal star, Cheetah. Pick nitz off your arm then eat them, saying, “Yum” after each tasty morsel

17. Five days In advance of your friend’s party, tell her that you can’t attend because you intend to have projectile diarrhea that night

18. Insist that your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Dick Button, Jr.”

19. When you go to the ATM to withdraw money, tell everyone standing in line behind you that you feel lucky. When the money comes out, scream “I Won!, I Won!” Now Grandma can get that breast enhancement surgery!”

20. When leaving the zoo, start running towards your car in the parking lot, while yelling “Run for your lives!!! They’re Loose!! THEY’RE LOOSE!!!!”

21. Tell your children over dinner, “Due To the ever weakening economy and current cost of gas per gallon, we’re going to have to let one of you go.”

22. Get a book of matches and open it.  Flip the cover over and glue it flat side to your forehead.  Light the entire thing and tell the guys in building maintenance that you’re a Polish minor

23. Glue bite sized Frito’s on each fingernail and ask people if it looks like your nail fungus has run amok

24. Smear several boogers on your desk and then once dried, force a co-worker to look at them and insist that the snot trails indicate that the boogers are in fact, moving across your desk of their own accord

25. Find a picture of Henry Kissinger…make a hard copy, then put it in a frame with one of your photos and tell everyone this is a “great one of you and your old pal Hank at last year’s G-8 confab in Germany”

26. Cut thin strips in individual yellow or pink Post It Notes and curl them upwards. Attach both sheets to each of your eyelids like false eyelashes. Go about your business.

27. Tell everyone that you hope the late, Dudley Moore loses all that weight before he produces more rapier-witted, anti-establishment documentaries like “Fahrenheit 9/11″ and “Sicko”

28. Make a merkin for your dog out of dryer lint