Editor’s Note: An e-mail, regarding nine things women often say to men in certain acrimonious situations and what these things really mean, was sent to the Human Relations Department of Laurie Industries in recent days. It was then passed along to the noted thinkers in our incredibly wizened Editorial division where it was deemed “incomplete”.
We added to it, in our own special “Laurie Industries” way.
IF SHE SAYS:
1. “FINE” : This is the a word signifying that the argument/discussion has ended. No, not just from her perspective, from yours, too. The debate is over, fini…done. It also means the woman is right and you need to simply, shut the hell up.
2. “GIMME FIVE MINUTES”: If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is ONLY five minutes in duration if you have just been given five of them to finish watching the game regardless of score, inning or quarter, before helping around the house.
3. “NOTHING”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something indeed, and you should beware of that fact. Seriously. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine“.
4. “GO AHEAD”: This is a dare, not permission.
5. “THE LOUD SIGH”: This is actually a word, but a non-verbal one that is almost always completely misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. Additionally, in the brief 1.5 seconds it takes to expel the breath required to make the sigh, she has spanned the past five years of your relationship trying to sort out what, if anything has actually been good about your union. She was also able to hearken back to her college years and beyond and wondered what her life would be like RIGHT NOW, had she only believed Billy Tate’s line (he’s now the CEO of a leading Fortune 500 company) about the one “sure fire way women can cure a man’s headache”, how different life might have been different. Pray the conversation ends with a #1.
6. “OH, THAT’S OKAY”: This is one of the MOST dangerous statements a woman can make, especially to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when to punish you for your mistake, whether real or perceived.
7. “WHATEVER”: Oh Good Lord, no!!! THIS is a woman’s way of saying “fuck you”. Avoid this possibility at ALL costs. If applied correctly (and really, when “isn’t” it???), it can and will hurt worse than the vulgar, two-word phrase.
8. “THANKS”: This is what a woman says when she’s expressing gratitude, ESPECIALLY if it’s uttered in a two syllable, sing-songy pattern. A man‘s ONLY response can and should be “you’re welcome”–say no more and no less. (The experts here at Laurie Industries want to add the following caveat: “Thanks” applies in it’s entirety, however, if she says ‘Thanks a lot’ —this is PURE, UNADULTERATED sarcasm and she’s not actually thanking you and she’s sure as hell not grateful. In this case, under NO circumstances do you reply with “You’re welcome’.
9. “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT IT“: This is perhaps, the most dangerous statement in a woman‘s lexicon. The means she has told a man to do something in particular several times, but is now forced to do it herself. This expression represents her extreme displeasure in your dereliction of duties. On the man’s part, there has been serious ball droppage. But rest assured, ball droppage will NOT happen *after* she has uttered, “Don’t worry about it. I got it”. That means she’s got one or both of yours tightly within her vice grip-like hand and will never, ever let go.
And sadly, this grip is not always a metaphor, either. (See case #395081: JOHNSON vs. JOHNSON for physical pain and permanent injuries inflicted during a domestic altercation)
Therefore men: if this is happening to you and if by some chance you’re in the midst of abject testicular pain and you are able to speak, DO NOT…I repeat….DO NOT ask “What’s wrong?
For the woman’s response to that particular query, refer to # 3.…and then expect that to be followed by a vile, nasty string of #7‘s screamed at varying decibels.