From Previously Published Reports

 

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Hello. My name is Laurie and I’m middle aged.

Response spoken in unison from other disillusioned dust farters sitting in semi-circle around me, “Hello Laurie”

Age, I’m learning (thanks to friends) is relative. Sure, it makes a difference in the box you check on certain forms and it could ultimately lower the cost of my flights someday soon. But really, we’re only as old as we mentally allow ourselves to be.But in the here and now, I’m fine. In fact, I’m better than fine. I embrace my age and I do so with my grandmother’s arms.

Shit.

When did that happen? What’s this floppy stuff? When and how did the underside of my arms lose so much elasticty that they look like two damned IMAX screens?

But I guess I should expect that and other changes to start happening for a woman of my age, genetic predisposition and exercise level (check the box marked NONE on that one, Sugar Tits!)

Appropriate.

On that note, let us segue into the wonderful world of propriety.

When I was growing up, I was forbidden to call boys. And then I was always told, let the boy make the first move–DON’T chase him. I was served a heaping helping of platitudes such as “Men won’t buy the cow, when they can get the milk free”.

Yeah, right Mother… and women only buy vibrators for use on their necks.

Well, chicks with tracheal breathing holes have the perfect excuse.

Anyway….just last week, my friend Kelly and I were discussing when it’s appropriate to sleep with a guy.

First date? A resounding NO…..unless he buys a very expensive wine during dinner.

Plus, he brings you flowers and a bauble. If said bauble is made of a precious metal of any kind, be happy that all those years as a sword swallower will finally pay off.

In taking appropriate behavior one step further: when you meet an older person, you are ALWAYS to call him or her Mr. or Mrs Much Older Person; NEVER by their first names. They’ve lived long enough to be shown the respect they’ve earned.

It’s appropriate.

You see, Dumplings, it’s a darn good thing that we have propriety. Just think how chaotic and uncivilized the world would be!

We have stop signs and deodorant. We have Chap Stick and flat irons and Anusol. We have all these wonderful products and items so we DON’T collide while driving…perspire resulting in stinky armpits… have frizzy hair…or scratch in itchy areas that could be grossly construed as Mickey Rooney’s rectal ink well.

Additionally, we should always send a handwritten thank you note for anything requiring a show of appreciation. And only do so in black ink. A ‘thank you note” is the proper thing to do.

Whenever we write or type anything, we must remember that propriety, just doesn’t necessarily mean the act of sending a note, it’s all about the content and proper punctuation. And thank God for that! We use symbols of punctuation. Without it, we’d have to spell the words themselves and that would be both suggestive and too, too darn graphic.

For example:

“Lisa is in the midst of her menses (period)”

“Bob keeps striking out with the ladies. He tried to pick up this hot chick at the bar, but he ended up going home alone (underscored) again”

“The doctor is very concerned about Ted’s suspicious polyps. His surgery is scheduled for Tuesday (semi-colon) we hope it’s successful”.

I think you get my drift….what was that? You didn’t like this post?

Well, kiss my asterisk.

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