For Men, It’s All Cake…Isn’t It?

I received an e-mail recently that focused on the many reasons why men are happier than women. Some were quite true…some made me laugh, some made me think.

But the list wasn’t complete. So, I’ve added a few reasons that I think might contribute to man’s superior mood and better overview of life.

And I based those on every relationship I’ve ever had.

God help us all……

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN: AN ESSAY

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

These men?

For you, it seems so easy…so uncomplicated.

You get married and your last name remains the same.

Wedding plans take care of themselves, so do Christmas Eve plans with your family and Christmas Day plans with hers.

Chocolate is just another snack–not a necessesary food group.

You can be President–so can we, but it’still much easier for you.

You can never be pregnant. You don’t retain water.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park or you can opt to wear NO shirt to a water park.

Mechanics tell you the truth. Always.

And you get better service from female wait staff.

The world is your urinal. You can stand when you pee.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too filthy.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a screw or a bolt or which screwdriver is named “Phillip”.

You work the same job as woman, yet you get paid more.

A lot more.

On your face, wrinkles add character. You can let your eyebrows grow to ridiculous Andy Rooney lengths and no one mocks you.

Her wedding dress costs between $500-$5000. Your tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them or at your ass when you walk away.

You think farts are hilarious. Well uh…frankly, so do I.

Moving on.

Your new shoes never make you cry. They don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Loafers don’t need to make your legs look sexy.

You’ll never fall off your flip flops and sprain your ankle.

You stay in one consistent mood. Always rational; always logical.

You can sit on a toilet for hours and never develop numbing “throne butt”.

You never cry.

You promise you’ll call and you don’t and when you do, phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about dry wall and guns and toilets and changing tires and painting. A five-day vacation for you requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You can reach EVERYTHING in the kitchen.

We give you get extra credit for the slightest, most insignificant act of kindness or thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Your socks are even cheaper.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for you. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes or that the striped shirt you’re wearing doesn’t go with the plaid pants you’re thinking about putting on.

Everything on your face stays its original color. Hair growth on your skin is EXPECTED. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades and a haircut costs you maybe 10-bucks–max.

Your shirts can be dry cleaned for under a buck.

You only have to shave your face and neck—backs are optional…unfortunately.

You can play with “toys” all your life. It’s easier for you to orgasm. Your protruding stomach camoulflages your big hips. You can scratch yourself in public.

Your asses can freely expand and when they do, that doesn’t effect the fashion houses and runways in Milan or Paris.

One wallet in one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You manicure your fingernails with a pocket knife, for Christ’s sake!

You have the freedom to “choose” to grow a mustache or not.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

Your sperm regenerates as you age, allowing you to father children until you die an old man. (See: Strom Thurmand)

So, all of these things, mean men are happier?.

Happier than women?

No necessarily.

There are some things that women know… have…are…feel and create; things that men could never even imagine. These intangibles that belong to women are fewer in number than men, but my God, are they powerful!

A man will never know what it’s like to carry a child; to experience the feeling of life growing inside of them.

Women give life as we give birth.

It is a single, incredible miracle.

Men will never fully understand the mother/child bond; the symbiosis that takes place and rarely leaves.

But women get it.

And we get that man is man and woman is woman. We were built for each other.

His protrusion—her intrusion.

We were made to work together and even more if…IF we just try a little harder. I’m talking about effort from both genders.

But know this, gentlemen: it’s the simple things that will make your world your oyster. It doesn’t take much to culture, refine or define the pearl that you’ll find in your mollusk. Not much at all.

And guess what the pearl really is?

It’s woman.

Let her know that she matters…you’ll benefit in the long run.

Always know that as women, we love you.

Intensely.

Deeply.

Unconditionally.

No wonder you’re so damn happy.